The Blacktooth Files

It's moving time, folks!

2010-08-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. And if you're nice, I'll even carry your shoulder pads!

It is with great ~~sorrow~~ ~~sadness~~ ~~anticipation~~ excitement(??) that I let you know of my move to a "new" blog. The ~~garbage~~ content will be the same, but by moving to WordPress, I'll be able to do more. I think. I'll even hope to update more, but we know how that goes.

So should you decide to "make the move" with me, here's what you'll have to look forward to:

-NFL picks: me vs. The Lady in a battle of, well, who the hell knows.
-The Official Blacktooth Files Fantasy Football league: La Liga de TBF.
-Live blogs galore!
-My fantastic baseball journey wrap-up
-And, um, random musings here and there.

So, thanks for reading so far. And don't stop! Let's hope that I am still worth your time.

Taking a break from my "Free Lindsay Lohan" blog strike

2010-07-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

The opinions in this blog are solely those of the owner. But then again, at least my posts won't get pulled by my employer.

OK, to say I've been M.I.A. would be an understatement. To make a long story short, blogging doesn't pay the bills. My days usually consist of wasting time on the Internet, then rushing out of the house to get in a workout before work. So I haven't had time to really write anything worthwhile. ~~Not that any of my writing is worthwhile to begin with.~~ Anyway, consider this my apology. Now, let me catch up on some things mentioned in earlier posts:

-Back in March, I talked about my grand plan to go to a baseball game on every level. Well, I'm down to my last level (AA). I ended up missing out on high school altogether, but I hope to get an American Legion game (they use high school players) before that season ends. Knowing my luck, that's already happened.

Oh well, the point is that once I've gone to those games, I'll do a post. This won't be a recap of every game, (because ~~that would be fucking boring~~ I don't really remember those specifics) but I will have stuff like "best promotion" and "lamest crowd." So, be on the lookout for that.

-Also, I realized a few weeks ago that I've been watching sports for about 20 years now. While this really just makes me an asset during Trivia Night, I've never really thought, "Which moments stood out the most?" Well, ~~in a well thought out effort to blatantly rip off ESPN~~ I'll be doing something I will call "20 for 20." There will be 20 different post; each one will be one of the 20 most important sporting moments of my time as a sports ~~nutso~~ ~~smartypants~~ fanatic. If you're asking, "What are some of these moments?" well...uh, I don't really know them all yet. But I will. Soon. Let's just say that Michael Jordan will likely be prominently involved.

-Finally, I just want to say thanks to my readers. I know that I don't post much, and when I do post, ~~I talk too much~~ I tend to get long winded. But I do try to bring something to the table, and I appreciate you all for taking the time to see what that something is. I have more ideas about other things that I want to do with The Blacktooth Files, so I hope you'll decide to stick around for it.

Attack of the vuvuzelas! Holland vs. Spain, 2nd half`

2010-07-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it, here's a recap of the first half.

3:32 pm: Ye gods, we are back in a flash! Soccer seemingly waits for no one.

3:34 pm: So for now, the storm has passed. Which means that we can watch on the big TV. If anything made up my mind to stick with cable, this was it.

3:37 pm: I would have first half analysis, but then I would have to know how soccer actually works.

3:40 pm: By the way, here are my thoughts on the LeBacle.

3:43 pm: I'm all for defense and what have you, but can somebody please score?

3:46 pm: By the way, this game is also available in 3D, on your phone, and on ESPN Radio. Shout out to the crazy guy who paid for a 3DTV knowing that you will only get three channels!

3:49 pm: Best chance to score for the match---and it was missed. Stay of the drugs, Holland!

3:54 pm: Soccer is the beautiful game, alright. The slow mo replays of these guys flopping are certainly things of beauty.

3:57 pm: Shout out to the black Dutch player! He even has a mohawk. Double win!

4:00 pm: One must wonder: Who is actually blowing the vuvuzelas?

4:06 pm: Blogging while boozing: Not for the pansies! Just in case...you were thinking about doing this and all.

4:10 pm: Meanwhile, people in Cleveland are crying right now.

4:13 pm: Univision effectively using the three man booth as well. How about that?!!?

4:17 pm: Looks like we'll be getting some extra time here, folks. Maybe I should put the beer(s) away.

4:21 pm: And I was RIGHT. Overtime, it is! I will explain the rules: Two 15 minute halves. If we're still tied, then it's on to penalty kicks. Five for each team. Let's hope that I know what I'm talking about.

____________________________________________________________________________________

4:26 pm: I suppose that I should have gone to the bathroom during this mini-break, eh?

4:28 pm: What are the chances that I'll see someone do the Macarena if they score a goal?

4:36 pm: A couple of scoring chances. I think. I could probably just say that and you'd believe me anyway, right?

4:38 pm: Everyone in the "important people box" at Soccer City Stadium is asleep right now.

4:42 pm: After 105 minutes, we are still tied. At zero. In the words of my friend Kris Pruette, "both teams are losing right now."

4:44 pm: Just in case you were not aware, this game is EEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN VIVOOOOOOO!!! Thanks, Univision.

4:48 pm: And someone from Holland was ejected. Albeit rather in a shady way. Whatever! I want a goal!

4:51 pm: Anytime you can get the commentators to chuckle in the booth, you have to allow it. Right?

4:56 pm: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ESPANA!!!! Andres Inesta!!!! Feels good to type that, actually.

4:59 pm: Oh my God, Spain might win this thing!

5:03 pm: AND THEY DID!!! The only team to ever win the World Cup after losing their fist game, La Furia Roja takes the 2010 World Cup! 1-0 over ~~The Potheads~~ Holland!!! Congrats!!! WAKE UP FROM YOUR SIESTA!

5:04 pm: No blowjobs for Bobbi Eden's followers, I suppose. Both teams played hard! See you on the blog EN VIVO in 2014!!!

Attack of the vuvuzelas! Spain vs. Holland, 1st half

2010-07-11T11:26:00.001-07:00

You know the disclaimer by now. So, there we go!

And we're back! Enough with the pomp and circumstance, let's get it on!

2:27 pm: None of the players from Spain sang along with the national anthem. However, some from Holland did. So we're already giving Holland a bit of an edge.

2:28 pm: Wanna know what can drive a dog crazy? Three vuvuzelas being blown at once.

2:29 pm: The consensus from the ManZone: Holland coaches are dressed to impress. And Spain's coach didn't get the "Cold Coach Loses" memo.

2:30 pm: FIFA sure knows how to start on time. And I APPRECIATE THAT.

2:32 pm: The goal is to time my bathroom breaks with when a player decides to fall and whine on the ground.

2:34 pm: Well, here's some incentive for Holland to win, eh?

2:36 pm: And just like that, a golden chance for the Furious Red! Nice save by Holland's goalie!

2:38 pm: Just show a shot of a ~~shit ton~~ whole lot of people in Amsterdam watching the game on a big screen. One must wonder: What would it have been like if the U.S. had made the final?

2:41 pm: Not sure who was louder, us or the Univision announcers after David Villa's strike went on the side of the goal.

2:44 pm: In another "eternal battle," it's Nike (Holland) vs. Adidas (Spain). Two brands enter. Two brands still get super rich.

2:46 pm: Of all the bad hair here in the World Cup, Carles Puyol takes. The. Cake.

2:48 pm: Maybe Puyol's wife wants to follow his hair lead?

2:59 Epic technical issues going on with our television right now. I can't believe this.

3:06 pm: Eff you, DirecTV. The End.

3:12 pm: So. It's storming here. Which means that satellite is on strike. We may or may not be huddled up in my roommate's room watching the feed on this laptop, hooked up to her TV. Hooray technology!

3:17 pm: Well. In order to live blog, I can't actually "watch" the game right now. Let's hope that this storm blows over in the next 20 minutes.

Attack of the vuvuzelas! World Cup Blog EN VIVO (Spain vs. Holland--pregame)

2010-07-11T10:41:00.001-07:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. But you'd be wise to feel the same way

After 30 days and ~~a shit ton~~ lots of games, we are finally here. It's the FIFA Copa Mundial, La Gran Final!!! Technically, we're about 45 minutes from the start of the match, we'll break this blog up into three parts. And there I go making promises. Let's get it on!

1:44 pm: We are EN VIVO from the 66.67% ManZone!!! Valid point from The Lady: "I really doubt that Mexicans eat KFC." Well said.

1:45 pm: If you can get Univision on your cable/satellite plan, I suggest you start watching as soon as possible. Mi Pecado is a telenovela (Spanish soap opera) that has the most epic opening sequence in television right now.

1:46 pm: Fernando Fiore looking festive with the purple shirt/tie in the studio! Somehow, they had some Russian looking guy that spoke Spanish. The world is a melting pot indeed.

1:51 pm: Did you know what the official mascot for the 2010 World Cup looked like? Well now you do.

1:54 pm: Our menu here at the Kinda ManZone today: Pizza, beer, margaritas, chips, and spinach dip. So, I will have a "legitimate excuse" for any misspellings or bad grammar.

1:55 pm: Actual game analysis: Spain has only lost two matches in the last year or so. Holland has won 25 in a row. It's a classic case of "something's gotta give!"

1:57 pm: Any time you can get Shakira to sing the opening theme for your sporting event, you have to do it, right? So...move over, Faith Hill!

2:00 pm: I used to have a dream of doing NFL games on CBS with Brett Favre. Now? I want to move to Spain and do soccer games there. Somebody wants an English speaking announcer for their games!!! Right?

2:04 pm: Thanks to the new Verizon Wireless commercicals, people will now think that their phone works ANY AND EVERY WHERE. Thanks, Marketing team!

2:07 pm: I will admit, I even thought aloud that Spain would not have made it this far. This should also show you how much I actually know about soccer.

2:12 pm: More proof that I don't know anything about soccer: I created a bracket group for the World Cup. Guess who didn't win?

2:15 pm: Fernando Fiore is excited about something. But then again, he's usually excited about everything.

2:16 pm: Still trying to figure out when Charles Crews was ever a great action hero. Even Michael Statham.

2:18 pm: In other news, I threw down $25 and got three vuvuzelas. It's going to be pretty loud in the house that (insert name here) built.

2:19 pm: Would have helped to know Spanish for when they just showed off the World Cup trophy just now. I'm guessing that a player from Italy (winners in 2006) was the one showing it off?

2:22 pm: So the players are about to come onto the field. Which means, this is it for the pre-game blog EN VIVO!! Stay tuned, more to come!

Oh, no he DIDN'T! (Obligatory LeBron thoughts)

2010-07-11T05:59:00.000-07:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. But hey, it's not too terrible to think like me!

I know, I know, everything that could possibly be said about LeBron James' ascension into Hollywood Hulk Hogan status. As a matter of fact, you could probably find every single take on this process. There's mourning, disgust, and even straight up grenades being thrown via Twitter. But, I have yet to read any take on the basketball ramifications of this move. And, well, I'm not really going to give you too many details on that. Anyway, there are some definite winners and losers in this ordeal. Though, they might not seem as obvious as you think.

Winner: Chris Bosh

Let's get one thing straight here: Chris Bosh is not a superstar. As a matter of fact, everything you needed to know about the basketball credentials of the ~~NBA's Predator~~ suddenly proclaimed by many star can be summed up in this tweet. Lots of people are railing on LeBron for tagging along with Dwyane Wade. But don't forget that Bosh is basically doing the same thing. For you NBA watchers, did you ever see a case where the other team had to game plan around stopping Chris Bosh? As a matter of fact, would the casual sports fan even know who Bosh was before this week? I'm going to answer that for you: hell no.

Having said that, you have to believe that Bosh is coming up roses. He goes from Toronto (and a team named the Raptors---let's not debate on how playing basketball in Canada would be depressing enough) to a $100 million contract and tanned, scantily clad women in Miami. And by the way, he gets to play on a team with DWYANE WADE AND LEBRON JAMES. I suppose I would take that over Jose Calderon and Andrea Bargnani any day.

Winner: Stephen A. Smith and Chris Broussard
The former (has a morning show on Fox Sports Radio) is the one person who was adamantly saying that this was going to happen well before it actually did. Of course, since Stephen A. is quite possibly the most polarizing figure in sports media, no one really believed him. But hey, it was worth a shot to even make this up, I suppose. Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks, right? Anyway, now SAS must be believed for everything! OK, maybe that's taking this too far. But still, fortune favors the bold, and Stephen A. was as bold as it gets from the jump.

The latter works for ESPN, and did have the gusto to break the separate stories of Wade and Bosh joining the Heat two days before he broke that James was leaning toward the Heat. Of course, I refuse to believe any story that involves the word "sources," but hey, even a dead watch is right twice in a day. I had to suffer through Broussard's "Well I believe" and "It would make sense if..." statements for way too long, but it seems that this all paid off. Good work, Chris!

Loser: Anyone who watched ESPN this month.
Good God, what would have happened if the World Cup wasn't this year? I get the fact that this was the most talented class of free agents in recent memory. But to say that ESPN went overboard is putting it mildly. Hell, THEY EVEN DISCUSSED LEBRON JAMES ON UNIVISION. UNIVISION IS THE SPANISH LANGUAGE CHANNEL. YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!! And if my memory serves me correctly, the last NBA "superstar" free agent to switch teams and lead that team to a title was...Shaquille O'Neal when he signed with the Lakers. You can look high and dry, but this stuff never really ends well.

But don't tell ESPN that. My God, they even had a "capologist" (Tom Penn) discussing possible salary cap ramifications of supposed moves. My estimate is that about .08 percent of ESPN's viewers gave half a shit about what Tom Penn was saying. This NBA free agency coverage made the Brett Favre watch seem enjoyable.

Loser: The city of Cleveland

I mean, of course, right? Of course, it's easy to burn a jersey. But then again, those puppies run at $70 each, so I wouldn't be so quick to set it ablaze. Anyway, the image that I can't get out of my head is the young blonde girl in a Cavs jersey, holding a beer and crying Thursday night. Of course, ESPN found it necessary to play that clip OVER AND OVER AGAIN. A female at my job just couldn't understand why people would be crying over this.

But hey, I get it. I'm an unabashed sports nutso. As fans, people take ownership of their teams and players. Throughout his entire career, LeBron always talked about how Ohio was the only thing he knew. He had his MVP press conferences in Akron. He has the area code for his hometown tattooed on his arm. For seven years, he was Cleveland. True fans HOLD on to stuff like this. So for him to go on national television and seemingly forget all of this? Le sigh. And if you consider that Cleveland fans have suffered through The Fumble, The Drive, the 97 World Series, and Jordan over Ehlo, I can't say I wouldn't cry either. ~~Hell, my eyes well up when there's a good rendition of the national anthem before a game.~~ I don't know how the Cavs will do this year. But they have the proverbial chip on their shoulders, and they have a solid, proven coach in Byron Scott. I kinda like their chances. Sleeper playoff team, anyone?

Winner: LeBron James
OK, so what if LeBron really isn't who we thought he was (or wanted him to be)? There is a prevailing thought that he's always wanted to be the guy who was just a part of the team, not THE guy on a team. So now he gets that. He can fly around and do the things that make us oooooh and ahhhh, all the while knowing that if necessary, Dwyane Wade gets to carry the team. Also, he gets to somehow avoid any hard questions about why he would leave a team that had the best record in the NBA the last two years. We're not here to talk about the past, right?

Loser: LeBron James
1. Who has a beard that doesn't connect with their mustache?
2. To say that the ESPN special was unnecessary is to tell your boozy friend that shot #12 isn't really needed. Um, no shit, Sherlock.
3. There is no more argument of who the best player in the NBA is. If you're tired of hearing the "Jordan/Kobe wouldn't do this" argument, then too bad. This is as much of a cop out as there could possibly be. Check the previous section: The Cleveland Cavaliers had THE BEST RECORD IN THE LEAGUE THE LAST TWO SEASONS. When things were going, they vanquished foes with ease. If you actually watched when they were eliminated against the Magic and Celtics in consecutive years, you will see that Cleveland lost because they didn't play well enough. That includes LeBron. So you jump out of town because of that? And concede that going to Miami is where you "have the best chance to win multiple championships?" So LeBron, why didn't you just TRY HARDER TO WIN WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE IN CLEVELAND? I will never understand this.
4. I mentioned Hollywood Hulk Hogan at the beginning of this post. The Bash at the Beach moment was when he "officially" went to the dark side. But this happened to be the same time when I actually started to like Hogan the wrestler. Of course, this comes with the disclaimer that nothing in professional wrestling is "real." But it's always refreshing to see when you really find out what an athlete/celebrity/etc. is about. This is what we found about LeBron James. Instead of actually trying to achieve the status of greatness that had seemingly been laid out before him, he decides to piggyback on someone else (and let's be honest, two ball-dominating perimeter players and a ~~Predator~~ solid big guy doesn't exactly equal multiple championships) for a chance at winning. Should we be happy that he's doing whatever it takes to win? No, because THIS ISN'T DOING WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN. Anyway, we've always known that Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant were always about winning. They would throw other people in front of a bus if it meant that they would win a game. We now definitely know that LeBron James is not in that same mold. And that is actually refreshing.

Winner: The Miami Heat

I mean, this one has to be obvious as well, right? Anytime you have the chance to upgrade from Michael Beasley to Chris Bosh, and Quentin Richardson to LeBron James...you HAVE to do it! And better yet, as this article by Brian Windhorst illustrates, this plan may have been in works for quite some time. Even with a rather modest cast of characters around Wade, the Heat won 47 games last year. You can assume that they would win at least ten more with James and Bosh. Also, Heat road games are suddenly the hottest ticket in town, so even opposing teams will get a boost from this. Now for additional basketball ramifications...you'll have to wait until we're closer to the season for that. Also, I really have no idea how this will turn out basketball-wise.

Of course, if you start to think about the fact that the Lakers (you know, the team who won the title) and Celtics (you know, the team that the Lakers beat to win the title) will be returning every major piece, and that the Chicago Bulls are adding pieces that actually complement each other, maybe all this talk of the Miami Heat being the team to beat will be all for naught (and no, I'm not buying Derek Fisher to Miami--child, please).

Thanks for reading through this, folks. I'll be back with lots of other posts to help you pass the time on the Internet! I think.

World Cup EN VIVO: USA-Ghana (Second Half)

2010-06-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

Welcome back! For those of you who missed the first half, here's a recap: Ghana is really fast. Also, here's the post where I say a little more.

3:33 pm: And we're back with a flourish! I didn't even have time to stretch my tired fingers.

3:34 pm: Right off the bat, the U.S. had two nice scoring chances. I'll let you guess how they turned out.

3:35 pm: This move to Univision may be working against me. However, I do have whistle to ~~annoy the hell~~ blow whenever the U.S. ~~decides to give a damn~~ scores a goal.

3:38 pm: Both teams doing their best to wear out the wall...behind the goal. This ain't Rock n Jock, kids!

3:39 pm: Hate to wonder this, but: is Landon Donovan thinking that he may want to become a citizen of Brazil? Just so, you know, he could be on a team of good players?

3:42 pm: Hey now Prince, your neck tattoo doesn't give you the right to just taunt! OK, maybe it does.

3:45 pm: The officials must be choking at this point since they've been clearly swallowing their whistles.

3:46 pm: You know it's a foul when both Univision guys are like: "Aiye yie yie!" when viewing the replay.

3:48 pm: Penalty kick by Landon Donovan for the GOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL. Finally got to blow the whistle! And WE ARE TIED.

3:51 pm: I'm going to rate that GOOOOOOLLLL call at an 8 on the just created Catch Phrase scale. 1 is Joe Buck. Ten is Gus Johnson. Usually, the Univision guys are averaging about a 12.

3:54 pm: Tim Howard is good for something, it seems. And Clint Dempsey has turned into Anderson Varajeo.

3:56 pm: Richard Kingson must have read my dig at him for not being able to build harpsichords by hand. The guy has been great.

3:57 pm: Commentary from the girlfriend: the players have four shadows on the field! And she is RIGHT.

4:02 pm: I know you want to get every shot of the action Univision, but I'd rather not see a close up of Kevin Prince Boateng's thigh.

4:08 pm: It seems like EVERYTHING has a microphone on it here. I'm surprised I haven't heard a fart on TV yet.

4:12 pm: Seems like Jozy Altidore has been near the ball and goal all game. I need a magical moment from an AFRICAN AMERICAN in this World Cup!

4:15 pm: Things that would be cool: Tim Howard dropping the People's Elbow on the Ghana guy lying on the ground.

4:17 pm: It's kind of sad to think about how much I enjoyed viewing that link.

4:22 pm: Of course, this game goes into overtime. This means FREE BLOG EN VIVO for you!!

4:24 pm: While this game has been...entertaining(?), this really has nothing on Mexico-Argentina and Portugal-Spain. Well, at least that's what Univision will have you think.

4:26 pm: I would explain the OT rules here, but uh, I have no clue what they are.

4:28 pm: GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL by Ghana. And hands down, the best celebration dance I have ever seen. So it was worth it!

4:32 pm: So this is the largest sporting even in the world, and they can't get a real stretcher if necessary?

4:36 pm: Well, while most people may stop caring about soccer after this, I vow to still blog EN VIVO until this bad boy is over.

4:42 pm: So there's another OT period???? These guys are wearing me out.

4:46 pm: Man of the Match: Richard Kingson. Pretty sure that's got to be the consensus.

4:48 pm: Commentary from the dog: "Is it time for dinner yet?"

4:51 pm: While most of Twitter is complaining of the Ghana players "stalling," I'm sure none of them had a problem with the USA stalling big time after scoring the goal against Algeria.

4:52 pm: But hey, we can do what we want and blame somebody else later...right?

4:54 pm: Well I suppose if ever there was a time for a magical moment, now would be it.

5:00 pm: Hard for me to to blog EN VIVO while sobbing at the same time. Wait a minute...

5:01 pm: So that's it. They're exchanging shirts, and Ghana WINS 2-1. Thanks for reading, folks.

GOOOOOLLLL!!! World Cup Blog EN VIVO: USA vs. Ghana

2010-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

For you first time readers, please be advised that the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. However, they may be endorsed by this guy

And we are EN VIVO at the 66.67% ManZone! It's the USA vs. Ghana in a "win or go home" Round of 16 game at the World Cup. Without further ado, let's get it on!

2:26 pm: The Star Spangled Banner never fails to get me fired up. Though I have to think that the players not singing along just don't know the words.

2:27 pm: Your Univision broadcast team today is Jorge Perez-Navarro and Jose Luis Chilavert. Probably the first time I remember two announcers with three names!

2:28 pm: The goalie for Ghana is Richard Kingson. I wonder: can he make harpsichords by hand?

2:30 pm: And we're off! I guess. Ghana in red with yellow stripes, the U.S. rocking all white. Which is ironic, since this country is full of sluts.

2:34 pm: Tim Howard sure does a lot of yelling at his teammates. I suppose as long as your name is not "Terrell Owens," that's OK.

2:35 pm: For all that yelling, he sure likes to ALLOW GOALS. GOOOOOLLLLLL GHANA. Kevin Prince-Boateng. More guys with three names!

2:38 pm: Unfortunately, I can't find a picture. But Prince does have a neck tattoo. I thought it was illegal to play soccer if you had one of those?

2:39 pm: In the "o ye of little faith" department, the masses on Twitter are already playing the blame game. I'd like to blame....Ryan Seacrest. It just feels right.

2:41 pm: Bill Clinton and Mick Jagger chumming it up. I suppose there aren't any women for Bill to prey on. For now.

2:43 pm: Random, somewhat relevant tweet: "Oh, and huge props to Shana's uniforms. It's hard to pull of red and yellow since McDonald's kind of ruined it for everybody." From @bruce_arthur

2:46 pm: Seems that Bob Bradley has yet to be informed of the "cold coach loses" theory. He'll learn.

2:49 pm: Quick question: Has the U.S. even had the ball yet? Is the plan to "let Ghana get tired and then, BAM"? As a fan of South Carolina football, let me tell you that this plan does not work.

2:52 pm: A couple of chances there in the "Ghana box" for the U.S. So, um, that's promising, no?

2:57 pm: I may or may not be fighting off a nap here. Let it be known now: Soccer is not the easiest thing to keep up with.

2:59 pm: Also participating in this blog EN VIVO: My girlfriend and the world's greatest dog. The latter of which you can follow on Twitter. Yes, you read that correctly.

3:01 pm: Good God, is that Maurice Edu's music?!!? IT CAN'T---oh wait, just vuvuzelas.

3:04 pm: I go to get something to drink, and the U.S. gets two scoring chances?!!? Maybe this blog should be done from the kitchen?

3:08 pm: They have mentioned Richard Kingson's name often. At least he's had to break a sweat, I reckon.

3:10 pm: Is it still manly to say that these slow motion replays are...breathtaking?

3:15 pm: This may just be from lack of understanding, but it sure seems like these guys like to fall all over the place.

3:16 pm: First half over. Ghana is up 1-0. My girlfriend may or may not be snoring away right now, and I think the dog ran away. But hey, soccer is CAPTIVATING AMERICA!

World Cup Blog EN VIVO---2nd half

2010-06-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

Live blog back in full effect! For those of you that missed the first half shenanigans, click here.

11:03 am: And we are BACK. I've made the executive decision to turn the game to Univision. That's got to help the cause, right?

11:04 am: AND I AM VINDICATED. The announcer just yelled GOAL for about 20 minutes. Still keeping my order for the Slovenia jersey though.

11:05 am: I think this settles it. I'm watching the rest of the tournament on Univision. Can I get them to do SEC football?

11:09 am: I think I'm better off not knowing what the announcers are saying anyway. That way, I won't find it necessary to vehemently disagree with whatever they happen to be saying.

11:12 am: The U.S. players seem to be energetic on defense. Maybe they realize I turned the game to Univision?

11:13 am: Random relevant tweet: "Tebow must have delivered halftime speech, huh?" (via @Mark_Schlabach)

11:17 am: I have yet to master the talking on the phone + blogging EN VIVO + watching a soccer match equation. It can't be impossible, right?

11:20 am: Tim Howard! Making plays that no one will care about later.

11:21 am: Basketball coaches would never be able to handle themselves in soccer. They couldn't bear the thought of not having ANY timeouts.

11:22 am: Univision just tried to do some wacky 360 something, and there was a shot of a...video game? Um, nice attempt though, I guess.

11:24 am: For those of you who like the reporters who ask the tough questions, you may enjoy this piece.

11:25 am: Fashion analysis: None of the Slovenia players have hair as good as this guy.

11:28 am: Is my mind playing tricks on me, or did Bob Bradley have on a blue winter coat in the first half? Because I'm pretty sure he's wearing black now.

11:31 am: Maybe it's commonplace to plead your case to the officials in soccer? MAN UP AND PLAY THE GAME.

11:32 am: No no no no no! You can't be taking down Landon Donovan like that!

11:33 am: Did you know that Donovan is divorced? I suppose that makes him a real American. Take that, Glenn Beck!

11:35 am: I just want you all to know that I turned down some time at the pool to do this blog EN VIVO. Which tells you that...I'm really an idiot sometimes.

11:37 am: As predicted(?) by @TheBigLead, Gomez comes in for the defender with the beard. I'm tired of having to spell difficult names.

11:38 am: THE COACH'S SON WITH A GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! BRRRRRAAAADDDDLLLLLEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Univision. Where amazing happens.

11:42 am: The GOOOOOOLLLLL that wasn't. Offsides?!!? Once again, the black man is held down in South Africa. Le sigh.

11:44 am: I think the Univision play by play guy is disappointed that he didn't get to say "GOOOOLLLL" for yet another half hour.

11:47 am: Three minutes of stoppage time. WHO WANTS IT MORE?

11:50 am: Fittingly, a Slovenia player goes into labor to try and milk more of the clock. Um, thanks.

11:51 am: Jozy Altidore with the Angry Black Man trick for good measure, I guess. Hey now, that won't work in these parts!

11:53 am: I'll end this with a random relevant tweet: "It's cool they let Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm ref in the World Cup." (via @langwhitaker)

And that will do it! A 2-2 tie. The U.S. is still on a wing and a prayer to get into the second round. Meanwhile, I'm jamming to the Univision music! I ended up enjoying myself. We'll see you again next Friday!

GGGOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!! World Cup Blog (EN VIVO!)---1st half

2010-06-18T06:52:00.000-07:00

As always, these opinions are only those of the author. I'm not sure why I even find this disclaimer important

We are back! I want to say that I can make this a Friday thing during the World Cup, but I'm not one to make promises that I can't keep. It's USA vs. Slovenia, a precious three points at stake. Let's get it on!

9:54 am: We are here at the 66.67% ManZone EEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVOOOOOOO!!!!!

9:55 am: Is it too ambitious to want to learn the words to every participating country's national anthem?

9:57 am: I'm sure someone from the Tea Party is on Fox News saying that the US soccer players who did not sing along to the Star Spangled Banner are not TRUE patriots. Bah humbug!

9:58 am: Do you realize that there actually could have been a Confederate nation in the World Cup? Giving another nation a crest of stars and bars?!!?

9:59 am: For those of you "following" at home, the USA is in blue, Slovenia in white. Also, the ESPN announcers will likely lick our balls all morning. Fair enough!

10:01 am: Clint Dempsey channeling his inner Dwight Howard with the "unintentional" elbow. I'm no soccer expert, but that. Was. Dirty.

10:04 am: While most people may want to mute the TV to not hear the vuvuzelas, I tend to turn my TV all the way up in order to "hear them better."

10:05 am: "What the United States would give for an early goal here..." Hmmm, maybe free iPhones to the other team?

10:07 am: I beg to differ, ESPN. Now that it's legal, the U.S. actually would love to "come from behind." Wait, wrong reference?

10:12 am: Relevant random tweet: The Charlie Brown-inspired #SVN shirts have been noted. Wonder, when their coach yells at them, if it sounds like "Wah wah wah wah wah"? (from @thefarmerjones)

10:13 am: Great goalie work by Tim Ho---wait. Le sigh. GOOOOOOOAALLLLL Slovenia! Up 1-0. Now everyone here hates soccer again.

10:14 am: My sources just informed me that Mark Cuban is trying to do a goalie swap between the US and Slovenia. I'm thinking that he can't quite do that.

10:15 am: ESPN commentators already looking ahead, saying that the US team may need to hope for a draw between England and Algeria! Whoa there, tiger! We're the knee jerk people here!

10:19 am: In terms of geography, you could fit 485 Slovenias into one United States. The Arizona police would have a field day!

10:21 am: Alright! Tim Howard is actually in goal. Nice of you to show up, man.

10:23 am: By the way, congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers winning the NBA championship! No matter what they say though, the Lakers are not actually world champions.

10:24 am: The win by the Lakers totally makes up for the Galaxy not winning the MLS Cup.

10:26 am: I've just been informed that no one actually watches the MLS. Oh well, now I know.

10:27 am: A quiet stroll through Twitter shows that people are already looking to the 2014 Cup. We're a forward thinking country, folks.

10:30 am: I'm not trying to be a turncoat, but I think I'd look pretty good in this!

10:31 am: An unofficial rule: Cold coach=team that loses. Slovenia's coach is in a light jacket. Bob Bradley (U.S. coach) has a full fledged snow coat on. Uh oh. Somebody get Bradley a lighter jacket ASAP!

10:34 am: Actual commentary from the roommate: "At least the commentator knows what the fuck to do!" and "We just look slower!" Sometimes, it's that simple.

10:36 am: Two great chances just missed by the U.S. At least they're still trying?

10:38 am: Just took turns butchering Radosavljevic with my roommate. And the ESPN announcers.

10:41 am: GOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLL SLOVENIA! Whatever. I'm buying a jersey now. I'm also taking the Slovenian goal dance to the clubs of Columbia.

10:45 am: Rush Limbaugh is blaming this on Barack Obama. And you know what? SO AM I.

10:47 am: And yet, the vuvuzelas play on. I knew they'd never let me down!

10:48 am: Halftime in Johannesburg. Should I even blog EN VIVO for the second half?

GOOOOOAAAALLLL!!! (World Cup LIVE-2nd half)

2010-06-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

11:07 am: I didn't even get a chance to use the bathroom! Soccer moves too fast for me!

11:08 am: Welcome back to the 66.67% ManZone for the opening match of the World Cup! If you missed anything, here's a recap of the first half.

11:09 am: For those of you just joining us, Mexico pretty much dominated the first half. However, since there were no goals* scored, we're all tied at nil.

*The no goal was highly disputed since video evidence showed that C Valdez was not offsides. Damn you, technology!

11:11 am: You would have to think at some point, the South African fans would get tired of blowing those vuvuzelas.

11:12 am: ESPN's play-by-play guy throwing out "I saw the Mexicans play in England at Wembley earlier this year..." like we should know what he's talking about! Thankfully, that's what I'm here for.

11:16 am: For those of you wondering, it's currently 5:16 pm in Soccer City. In other words, they're in the HEART of Happy Hour!

11:17 am: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL South Africa! Siphiwe Tshabalala!!!! And...did they just do the Macarena?

11:20 am: Suddenly feeling great about picking South Africa to make it out of the group stage in my bracket!!

11:22 am: FanTAStic hand save, and a beauty by Zhune!

11:23 am: By the way, this game is also available in ESPN 3D. Hope you're enjoying the game on your expensive TV while wearing your funky glasses, wherever you are.

11:26 am: Fortunately, it kind of sounds like they're pronouncing the goal scorer's name as "Tralalala." Which brings this classic song to mind.

11:32 am: Actual soccer analysis: It's obvious that South Africa is just a second half team! Of course!

11:34 am: Oh wait, I don't hear the vuvuzelas anymore! Oh wait...I muted the TV.

11:36 am: Via Facebook Chat, a reader is always blaming the refs. Sounds like a Laker fan! (Too soon?)

11:40 am: Speaking of the NBA, here's a quote from last night's hero: "When you're in the moment, you're in the moment. So whether I slobber, snot, spit...please excuse me." Um...thanks, Glen Davis?

11:40 am: GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL Mexico!!!! Rafa Marquez! 1-1 now! And no more vuvzelas! Piggyback rides FOR THE WIN!

11:41 am: We're 81 minutes in, and NOW WE HAVE D-R-A-M-A.

11:44 am: Vice President Joe Biden is IN THE BUILDING. Apparently, the World Cup is also a big fucking deal for him.

11:46 am: Fun facts: This is the 19th World Cup ever. And it's still the world's most watched sporting event. Take that, Super Bowl!

11:50 am: Play-by-play guy just used the term "party poopers" to describe Mexico.

11:51 am: Well, "killer" for South Africa just killed...the post. Le sigh.

11:55 am: And we end in a tie. The host nation has never lost the opening game. And that tradition continues. Meanwhile, Jim Nantz and Peter King are screaming for overtime.

11:56 am: What a whirlwind game! Seems like the game picked up quite a bit toward the end. Lots of noise, piggyback rides and cheesy dances. I couldn't be more pleased.

Thanks for reading this LIVE blog! This was pretty fun. I'll have to see about doing a few more of these throughout the tournament. Until next time, folks!

GOOOOOOALLLLLLLLL!!! (World Cup LIVE Blog)

2010-06-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. Let's be honest, do you really want to think like me anyway?

I've always, always, always (times 43) wanted to do a a live blog. Well, what better time than the first ever World Cup on the African continent? Obviously, this is a dry run. I do hope that you don't actually try to fact check any of the stuff I will say for the next 45ish minutes. Anyway, in the words of Mills Lane, "Let's get it on!"

All times EST

10:01 am: We are LIVE from the 66.67% ManZone! It's mid-winter in South Africa. And I guarantee that none of these guys will be complaining about the weather. (This justifies the NFL doing the Super Bowl in New York*)

*Just keep in mind that the game is actually in New Jersey. Which is a problem

10:03 am: Quick recap of the opening ceremonies: Some guy at a microphone saying, "Blah blah blah blah South Africa!" And the crowd cheered.

10:05 am: And away we go! Here's hoping that fellow blogger Katie Williams is able to watch the game on ESPN 3 at work!

10:08 am: Live blogging is hard! Mexico may be used to high altitudes and large crowds, but are they used to the really annoying horn the fans are blowing? I know I'm already frazzled.

10:09 am: I think having foreign announcers makes it just feel more epic. Maybe they should try this for the WNBA...

10:13 am: For those of you wondering what FIFA stands for, it's the International Federation of Association Football. Which just sounds dumb. Disclaimer!

10:15 am: Mexico rocking the festive(?) all black uniforms. Perhaps they don't know how this never worked out for these guys. I'm not bitter.

10:17 am: And now, my roommate brings some Twilight commentary: "Bella is the anti-vampire." This commentary brought to you by Geico!

10:18 am: "The officials are trigger happy..." But they only hold the card up in the air?

10:21 am: You may be disappointed to know that the vuvuzela noise will not. Die. Down. At. All.

10:22 am: I've discovered that it's nearly impossible to read the lips of these guys when they're arguing. So I will just go with this commentary: "CURSES TO YOUR MOTHER!"

10:24 am: One saving grace for soccer: The game clock continues to run. No timeouts, even TV ones (until the half ends). You can't begin to understand how amazing this is.

10:30 am: Am I wrong for rooting for Mexico since their coach is dressed to the nines? Should I even disclose this information on this live blog?

10:35 am: I suppose this is a win for Verizon Wireless: The game on my phone is "more" live than it is on the TV. Droid does on the nation's largest 3G network! (I should stop being such a homer)

10:38 am: More commentary from the roommate: "It's nice to know that there's a 12 year old and a 48 year old on the team." Very well then.

10:39 am: Some actual soccer analysis: Scoring chances at the 35 minute mark look a little something like this:

Mexico-58765

South Africa-3

(Tim McCarver would say that this is a little one sided, but just barely)

10:42 am: First official creepy lick of the lips by a South African player. At the 38 minute mark! Now we're gettin raunchy.

10:43 am: A GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL that wasn't. Mexican player (C. Vela) called offsides. But the replay shows that he wasn't! Hooray conspiracy!

10:45 am: The announcers are even classy when criticizing the officials. Take that, Hawk Harrelson!

10:47 am: Off the cuff analysis: I bet the South African guy would have scored...if he didn't have a mohawk. (Burn!)

10:51 am: Ye gods, this first half just BLEW by! And there were no A-Team promos. We're already making the world a better place!

And THAT is the END of the first half! Stay tuned for Part 2 of the LIVE World Cup Blog from the 66.67% ManZone!!

Dear LeBron

2010-05-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. But then again, it's not like I'm going to chase you down or anything if you happen to "borrow" my ideas.

Dear Mr. James,

First of all, I would like to apologize. On behalf of the people at Nike, Sports Illustrated, the countless people who only refer to you as "King James," and people who are even compelled to get a little...sacrilegious , I am sorry. You are not a king. You're a great basketball player. That Nike video? That was your rookie season. You've done some things we've never seen before, so of course that's worth getting excited about. But...we all may have jumped the gun just a little bit.

Is this part of the problem? Yes. The bar has been raised incredibly high for you. And hey, why not? Somebody has to be considered the best. That's one of the beauties of sports. We have to debate something. And for the most part, you have delivered:

-Back to back MVP awards
-Making people justify paying $160 for horrendous looking shoes
-Coming out of nowhere to get to the NBA Finals in 2007.
-Having no regard for human life whenever you feel like it.
-Making countless people feel justified to make the "LeBron is better than Kobe" argument.

Of course, since this is such a "what have you done for me lately?" world, the accolades I listed above are so last season. I'm surprised Keith Olbermann didn't have you down as the "Worst Person In The World." People were scrambling for reasons for your demise. (I know you may not pay attention to the media, but that's what I'm here for!) Charles Barkley was "100% disappointed." John Hollinger was convinced that your elbow is a lot more hurt than you're letting on. Adrian Wojnarowski feels like you don't care enough. My mom feels like you've fallen out of love with your first love (Jesus Christ). OK, so I made the last one up. Still, everyone has an opinion on this. They're convinced that the season is lost, you've disappointed once again, and you're ready to run out of Cleveland (adding to their many years of suffering).

As I'm sure you are aware of, Game 6 is this evening. If you are who we thought you were, isn't this the game that you simply eviscerate the Celtics? If you want to become a global icon, isn't tonight your shining moment? The Celtics should have no chance, right? Drew Carey was on ESPN2 this morning, for crying out loud! I'm sure you realize that the Cleveland bandwagon is...a little empty at this time. We've been treated to an unprecedented level of sports greatness over the past two or three years (Roger Federer, Jimmie Johnson, the Yankees winning again, Drew Brees going bananas at the Super Bowl, etc.). You're ready to add your name to that list, aren't you?

Now, the chances that you actually read this letter are rather slim. And it's not like you actually need some sort of pep talk. But if there was ever a time to justify all the fawning over and hyperbole you've received, then I would have to believe that the time is now. Besides, do you really want to make people in Cleveland count down to when the Browns begin the season?

Sincerely,
Jordy McKever
creator of The Blacktooth Files

I Want to Pump You Up!

2010-05-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. I'm pretty sure that these opinions will not be shared by this guy.

I don't really know if saying "I like to work out" really does it justice. I would say that I got "serious" about things sometime during my ~~second~~ senior year of college. I was ~~pretty much a fatass~~ a little on the plump side, which didn't help with my blood pressure problems. Fortunately, the combination of a nice gym and a friend who shared my zest for fitness, I was on my way. I really think that since I love sports so much, working out gives me that idea that I'm actually athletic. This idea quickly evaporates any time I set foot on a basketball court.

Now, in no way do I think I'm some sort of expert. I do too many "non healthy things" (does the phrase "I ate $14 dollars worth of Arby's in one sitting" mean anything to you?) that really disqualifies me from giving any sound advice. But I spend enough time at the gym, and have done enough moderately healthy eating/ running/lifting/kickboxing/Zumba (yeah I said it)/workout videos to have a pretty good idea on what not to do when it comes to ~~looking like an Amazon man~~ not being a lardass (at least all of the time). I suppose I will title this "Things I Love, Like, Get Annoyed By, and Absolutely Despise About Fitness." Hope you ~~won't fall asleep while reading~~ enjoy!

I get annoyed by people who have a laundry list of excuses. Now, you could say that most people in general are full of excuses. But oh, when it comes to working out, they are one of a kind:
"I just don't have time!" (24 hours in a day...you really have no time?)
"I need a partner to motivate me."
"I just don't like to get all sweaty."
"Who wants to work out when the world is going to end in 2012 anyway?"
"I'm so busy with (insert thing that you're not THAT busy with anyway here)"
"I'd rather just do an impossible diet where I starve myself and eliminate important nutrients, then gain the weight back and do it again! It's like a cycle of violence!"
"It's (insert president/politician/political party here) fault!"
OK, maybe no one has used the 2012 excuse, but I'm sure they would find some sympathy if they did! I probably should disclose that I hate any type of excuse for pretty much every situation. But still, being active can't be that impossible...right?

I like the idea of having a gym partner. I can't say that I "love" having a gym partner, because I am perfectly content with putting on my headphones, turning up my iPod*, and digging in. But it is nice to have someone to have the occasional conversation with, and to know that you're not the only one ~~struggling~~ pushing through the workout. Also, what if you slip and fall? Won't have to worry about a stranger helping you up. Now, if you knock your partner over? Well, um...

*I may be getting ahead of myself, but shouldn't the iPod be the greatest invention of our/my generation? Do you realize that you can listen to all of your music on these things? Also, want to be anti-social? Just pop in your iPod; we'll all understand! Can I get a "How Stuff Works" episode on the iPod? I can't possibly be the only person that feel this way..

I love running. I know, I know. That's a pretty blanket statement, and I don't know if I could really make running sound as epic/worthwhile as done here. But I've been ~~making myself~~ seriously running since I got some ~~too damn expensive~~ new running shoes in February. Now, it helps to have shoes that feel good. But I also invested in the Nike+ sensor to track my distance and time on my iPod. I've gone over 114 miles in a little under three months, and I (think I) get better and better each time. I'm even planning on doing a 5k next Saturday (I should probably put this in my calendar). Hopefully all this running will actually pay off, and I won't look like a dumbass.

I despise the constant talkers at the gym. I also despise people who are yapping away on their cell phone, but not as much as the constant talkers. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME; CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BARELY ABLE TO BREATHE...AND I'M NOT EVEN TALKING??!!?? I'm OK for the random conversations, but if I have to stop to talk to about sports/work/other stupid things that don't involve me working out, then I don't want to have that conversation. Is that too much to ask?

I like switching up my workout routine every now and then. Right now, my workout "flavor of the moment" goes a little like this: Push ups, (since April 1, I have done a push up per day, adding a push up for each day---right now I'm at 42) either the Insanity workout or running, then "Jordy Abs" (random ab exercises designed to ~~make me throw up~~ tone the midsection). But I've done some of everything, from staying too long on the elliptical to P90X. I suppose it's good to switch things up from time to time. I mean, that's what they say works for relationships too, right?

I get annoyed by the Health Police. I don't know if these people actually exist. But I like to think that the Health Police are people who:
1. Do one of those lame starvation diets, then spend all their time telling you how they know it will work "because my sister's co-worker's poolboy's cousin did it and lost 30 pounds in four days."
2. Spend time telling you the calorie content of stuff at fast food places/restaurants. (Hey, wanna know why I know a Monster Burger is already unhealthy? BECAUSE IT'S CALLED A MONSTER BURGER!)
3. Find it necessary to point out your unhealthy habits. Examples: "Ugh, it's not smart to eat so late" and "Are you trying to gain weight? Because that's what will happen when you eat peanut butter!!"
4. Read some fitness story off a website and take it as gospel.
We all know these people exist. But, like the IRS, that doesn't mean we have to like them! I just find it extra annoying when these people feel like it's their duty to give you this information too. Just shut up already!

I despise the seasonal fit people. You know them.
My New Year's Resolution is to get fit! Let's get that gym membership!
I'm definitely starting my diet tomorrow! (then gobbles up a Double Down)
Gotta get my body right for the beach!
The main reason I despise these people is because they get in my way at the gym. Now, I don't want to say that you can't have fitness goals. Personally, other than the feeling of athleticism that working out gives me, I know that being fit keeps the man boobs/diabetes/out of control blood pressure out of the way. but if you're only looking to achieve a goal for a specific event/time of season, then what's the motivation to maintain that? Sure, you will likely appreciate the hard work and want to keep working on that, but that's not something to necessarily count on. Do I have a remedy for this sort of thing? Of course not! Did you think this was an advice blog?

So, there you have it. I won't really call this some sort of gospel, but I think that these are all situations that most people are familiar with. I don't feel like any of this stuff is going to change, (sadly) but hey, at least this gives me something to write about!

My sports study guide.

2010-05-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

The opinions in this post are only those of the author. And...maybe Terrell Owens. At least...it should be that way.

Do things look a little different? That's right, TBF is all new! You may be able to smell the fresh paint as you read this blog.
(OK, if you really are smelling fresh paint, your next stop should probably be the emergency room) The black layout is a bit depressing. I couldn't have been the only one with thoughts of suicide after reading my entry about baseball. (And no, that wasn't the goal!) Hopefully the new look will be comforting to you as you read. I'm feeling warm already.

So, I happen to know a lot about sports. I don't say this to gloat; being a sports nerd is not something that you can just stumble upon (Well, technically, you could just stumble on the Internet and find every Super Bowl winner since the first one). The truth is, even though I know a good bit of historical stuff, there's always new stuff to keep me on my toes.

What's that? You want to know what I use to keep up? Sure, I'll tell ya!

If you ever want to know stuff like, "Why in the world would someone ask Dez Byrant if his mother was a prostitute? Or "should Dwyane Wade stay in Miami?" instead of waiting for me to blog about it, (not gonna happen, folks) I figured I could give you some of the sites that I use for keeping fresh with the sports world. I have a feeling you'll be thanking me lady. And, don't worry, I will never lead you to places like this.

ESPN
OK, this one is a little too easy. But how can you pass up a site that refers to itself as The Worldwide Leader in sports? Of course, you can get all your scores and highlights. There's also plenty of sports satire, from The Sports Guy to Tuesday Morning Quarterback (hot during NFL season).
If you're looking to really get your nerd on, you can get premium content by being an Insider (you can even get a magazine subscription out of it!). Of course, I'm not suggesting that you actually pay money; there's plenty of free content to whet your appetite.

Sports Blogs
I don't really consider this to be much of a "sports" blog, especially considering that I wrote about American Idol in great length last year. Anyway, it's nice to see that there are people around who are willing to take athletes/networks/important sports people to task, even if most of the stuff is of TMZ variety. The site I check on a regular basis is The Big Lead, but Sports by Brooks seems to have some legitimate information every now and then as well. Of course, there is also Deadspin, but I'm really not much of a fan. But. It's still a sports blog.

All Things Football
I may or may not be grossly attached to football. Actually, it is a bit sad. But hey, this blog isn't really ABOUT me. Anyway, there are plenty of sites geared to helping you increase your football IQ. If you are particular to college, advanced statistics, or insight into college and NFL, then there's definitely a site for you. While the fun really picks up during football season, it doesn't hurt to stay abreast during the off-season, even if your goal is simply to impress/annoy your friends at the bar.

Obviously, this is a very small sample of what's available on the Internet when it comes to sports. But, if the goal is to actually know what you're talking about instead of sounding like a know it all because you can use phrases like PECTOA and UZR, then you can't go wrong with the sites mentioned above. So, soak it all in and enjoy!

I'm all grown up. Now what?

2010-04-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. And, well, probably your mother.

I feel like I always have to apologize for not posting much. Of course, there's really no need to actually apologize; I'm a grown man, and I can do what I want. Still, two entries per month is just not enough. I do have lots of things to say, but I usually run into problems like:

1. Wasting time: I always, always, always waste time. I usually wake up around nine in the morning on weekdays. With four hours to spare, I'm still rushing to get out of the house in time to have a "sufficient" workout at the gym. Why does this matter for blogging? Well, everything. I think. Just when I'm sitting in front of my laptop, I'll end up reading other stuff and completely forget what I want to write about. As a matter of fact, there's a good chance that I'll end up scrapping this post altogether.

2. My opinions aren't exactly...original:
Because I usually talk about sports, most of the stuff I want to discuss has already been dissected by others. I wanted to do a "mock" NFL Draft. But after reading ones that were real, truly made up, and ridiculously in depth, I felt that there was nothing I could offer that would be remotely entertaining. In other news, I may have some self-confidence issues.

3. Blogging is kind of boring!: Most of the posts I have are really long. While I'm a rather patient person, I find it way tempting to do anything but what I'm actually supposed to be doing. So while I'm spending two hours hammering out a post about football, I usually get side tracked by reading someone else's opinions on what I want to talk about. So yes, this is something I'll just need to get over.

Now, should you care about these stupid excuses? Probably not. But just know that the intent to ramble is always there, even if there's no real evidence of it. But with a little more time (to waste) on my hands, here's hoping that I can be a little more consistent with quality posts.

Now back to our regularly scheduled madness...

I'm in the middle of a "transition" at work. I say this because it's yet another change in what I actually want to do. I've been out of college for three and a half years, yet I'm nowhere closer to figuring out what I actually want to do. One would think that I could figure this sort of thing out by now, but that would make things too easy. Anyway, I figured it would be fun for me to look back and go over all the things I've wanted to become. And since I want to give people a little glimpse into the things that make me who I am, I figured this would be a pretty good blog post. So, anyway, here goes...something I'd like to call my Ever Evolving When I Grow Up Plan:

Elementary school: Doctor

This really wasn't an idea that I came up with on my own. I just heard my teachers mention this. I could say that I was a great student in elementary school, (I made all A's, but didn't everyone?) but it was really more like Florida State football in the ACC during the 90s (let's just say it wasn't very difficult). I never really had any idea why I wanted to do this; I just figured that it sounded fun. Want to know what else seems fun?
1. Being on acid.
2. Bungee jumping
3. Lap dances
4. A Bobcats playoff game
5. Throwing a stick in front of an unsuspecting skater at a park
So needless to say, the whole doctor thing didn't go very far.

Middle/high school: Computer engineer

I wanted to actually be involved with developing video games, but that didn't seem "wholesome" enough. I had it all figured out: I would go to Clemson to study computer science, graduate, and then...well, I guess I didn't have it all figured out that much. I suppose the allure of being able to work with computers was mildly intriguing...until I realized that I hated science. A lot. Obviously, this would be a big problem if I was ever going to be a computer engineer. So...toss that idea also!

For about five minutes in high school, and another few weeks after college: Nurse

Believe it! My mom's a nurse, so I would be carrying on the family legacy (or use that as an excuse when people asked me about it). I flirted with the idea in high school; there was a program where we could take "classes" at the local hospital, then work there during the summer while in college. I scrapped that idea because I was worried that I wouldn't like it enough. While I felt OK with my decision at the time, I re-visited a nursing career again twice since then. I believe that this was more of me not being happy with my current job than me actually wanting to become a nurse. I mean, the allure of showing off my "chiseled body" in scrubs is...creepy to think about. I think that I would enjoy the role of helping people, but am I really ready for all the bodily fluids and insane hours? Eh, not so much. So, scrap this idea also!

College: Sports journalist

My co-workers at my previous job always called me Jordy Gumbel. Since both Bryant and Greg (pictured) are rather well-known, successful sports journalists, I took this as a compliment. I don't think it's really possible to explain my passion for sports. There's not going to be a way for me to really illustrate it in a way that does it justice. I enjoy talking about it. Sometimes, I actually present interesting viewpoints on it. So why not pursue a career in sports journalism? (Well, it's rather quite difficult to break into...but whatever) In one of my first classes, a fellow classmate had the same aspirations as myself. We were going to end up on Sportscenter one day. Well, she is working her way up the food chain, and I seem to be stuck in neutral. Now, this is not to say that I didn't try. I tried, tried, and tried again. After a year of sending out resume tapes, doing interviews, and trying everything to break into the industry, nothing stuck. Have I given up altogether? I don't know. I make pretty good money doing what I do now, and I am taking some graduate classes toward a Master's in Public Administration. But if I could find the right avenue into the sports journalism industry, I'm pretty sure that I would take it.

I should take solace in the fact that I have a job with great benefits. But what fun is that when I find myself wanting to sometimes take shots of lighter fluid when I'm at work? (Let's say it all together: NOT FUN AT ALL!) So I suppose I'll do what I can to make the most of things now, still hoping that I can break in somehow and end up talking about sports even more...and actually get paid for it.

Real men lose to their girlfriends in made up Bracket Challenges

2010-04-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are shared only by the author. Besides, who else would be proud of being such a nut?

Even the most casual of sports fans had to come away pleased with this year's NCAA tournament. Plenty of surprises, close games, buzzer beaters, over-sized arenas, and cheerleaders with way too much makeup to keep people satisfied. While some would complain that there was no "star power" in the Final Four, the championship game literally came down to the last shot. Can't beat that, right? Right??!!??

For the past two years, I've done a bracket challenge with my girlfriend. I'm not much of a competitive person, but I have gone in with the belief that my "knowledge" of college basketball would be enough to prevail in a "friendly" challenge between lovers. Of course, I probably should have considered the fact that she had won this challenge twice before, and studies show that three year olds (who knew NOTHING about college basketball) do better on brackets than "experts." So really, there was no way that I could possibly win this challenge.

But it's the NCAA tournament. March Madness! Throw conventional wisdom out of the window! So the bet was on. Winner gets dinner at a restaurant of their choice. I'll just recap the Elite Eight/Final Four picks, and maybe try to give a little "insight" on why in the world my picks turned out to be so stupid. I figured it would be kind of cool to wait a couple of days before actually posting this, because it makes my choices look even more crazy. And, let's just say that I've been crying myself to sleep the past few nights over losing this thing.

My picks
Elite Eight: Kansas, Ohio State, Syracuse, Brigham Young, (no, really) Villanova, Duke, Kentucky, New Mexico (did I actually watch any basketball?)
Final Four: Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse, Duke
Championship: Kansas over Kentucky
My Take: I almost went with calling this an "expert's take," but we all know that this would be a lie. From "watching" basketball, (translation: occasionally watching ESPN analysts make their "case," with a few games here and there) I felt pretty good about the fact that the number one seeds were the best teams in the field. Kentucky's complete lack of making free throws? Who cares! Syracuse limping down the stretch? We're not here to talk about the past? Duke not being in a Final Four since before Justin Bieber was born (that's probably not a fact...or is it?)? I didn't CARE. I also felt good about BYU (they had God on their side, can't beat that!) and New Mexico (apparently I was in my own hot tub time machine). But once again, I'm not here to dwell on the past...

The Lady's Picks
Elite Eight: Kansas, Ohio State, Syracuse, Kansas State, Villanova, Duke, Marquette, Kentucky
Final Four: Kansas, Syracuse, Duke, Kentucky (Wait a minute, did she copy my bracket?!!!?!?)
Championship: Duke over Kansas
Her take: She made her picks by using complete voodoo. OK, maybe that's not accurate. Her "strategy" is picking schools that sound familiar, or names she liked. For example: she had Xavier in the Sweet 16 because she "liked the name." Hey, whatever works!

Anyway, you have to like the fact that she picked the eventual national champion. Not her fault that Kansas decided to crap out in the second round! Anyway, a few words from the winner: "I'm pretty sure I've picked Duke to win for the past three years...so my persistence has finally paid off. Everyone else may hate you, but thanks Coach K!"

So, there you have it. Maybe I should give up this Bracket Challenge nonsense. (Are you kidding?!!? We're totally doing a suicide pool next year!) It's proof that trusting college aged people to do anything is just a very bad idea. But then again, I bet Kanye and his girlfriend didn't do a bracket wager!

Baseball: Catch the fever!

2010-03-11T10:57:00.000-08:00

As always, the opinions shared in this blog are only those of the author. And should be shared by any other smart and sexy adult.

This just in: I'm a little into sports. If my memory serves me correctly, the first sport that I actively enjoyed was baseball. I watched the Braves break my heart as the Twins came back to win the 1991 World Series. (Yes, I experienced disappointment at an early age. Jack Morris, hope you weren't looking for a Christmas card from me. Ever!) I played* on a city league team when I was 11, and tried out for the high school team as a freshman. Alas, I did not make the team. But whatever.

*This should probably be a good time to explain the part about...playing. I admit, I wasn't very good. I lacked that oh so important thing called...athleticism. I couldn't hit. I was barely adequate at fielding. In a exhibition game once, I tried to steal third base, got tagged out, and...cried. This just wasn't me at my greatest. I did start a game...only because half the team didn't show up on time. Once they did show up, back to the bench I went. We only won one game. But I do remember getting free pizza for that win. One would think that I would have given up baseball after this. But that would require being rational. I ask you: WHO DOES THAT?

Anyway, my love for baseball never really waned. I even watched TBS do their "Strike Watch" games in 1994. I suppose I was just watching for all the people who felt that baseball "let them down." I even got to experience the Braves win the World Series in 1995, pretended not to notice when most of the guys looked much more buff, stayed riveted through the 2002 World Series, (can you name who won in less than five seconds?) made my new friends watch the Red Sox shock the Yankees in 2004, almost got my girlfriend's car towed while at a Sox-Braves game at Turner Field...the list goes on and on. While football rules in my "hierarchy," I still hold baseball close to my heart (cue Michael McDonald).

So, why does any of this matter? Well, it probably doesn't. But I tweeted that my New Year's resolution was to attend a baseball game on every level, from high school to the major leagues. In between, you have college, single, double and triple A leagues, and...well, technically the summer league (can I interest anyone in the Columbia Blowfish...maybe? Of course, most of my tweets are irrelevant. But then I got to thinking: Wouldn't it be cool if I actually went to these games...and blogged about it?!?!?

Now we're on to something.

So I took the liberty of finding teams on each level that are a reasonable driving distance away. To show a real commitment, I've already decided which games I feel are worth going to. So, in chronological order, I give you the 2010 TBF Baseball Adventure! Cue Harry Caray during the seventh inning stretch!

March 12, 2010: South Carolina vs. Brown (College)

Yes, I'm starting early. I remember being extra excited before I came to USC about the baseball team. 2006 was the year "we" lost to Texas in the College World Series title game. (Funny how long ago that seems---not only is the game no longer on CBS, the championship round is a best of three format) Anyway, I don't even know a single player on the Carolina roster. I suppose I can read up on a program or something during the game. But hey, you can get a view of the city skyline! And it's kind of near the river! And they're playing Brown...that should be a win, right??

March 19, 2010: Atlanta Braves vs. Detroit Tigers (MLB)

Little did I know that the Braves have the #1 prospect in all of baseball (according to Baseball America). And he's black! (This just in: There are not a lot of black players in baseball---at all.) I'm thinking that he'll be playing in this game. This game is also part of of the S2J (Hopefully) Inexpensive Getaway Adventure. I never cease to amaze myself with the names I come up with. Anyway, I like my chances of getting a foul ball in this game. Or...at least being struck by one. Let's just hope that I live through it.

April 2, 2010: Rock Hill vs. Ridge View (high school)

OK, I have no clue who's on either team. Obviously, that's not the point here. I am within walking distance of Ridge View High School, and I'll be in the York County Area April 2. So hey, why not spend the evening watching high school baseball? I mean, I almost made the team that year. So they say.

April 18, 2010: Charlotte Knights vs. Gwinnett Braves (Triple A)

I enjoyed the only other time I was at a Knights game. At these games, you always have the chance of seeing a big league player on a minor league rehab stint. Of course...there's no one from the White Sox major roster that I would actually like to see in person. OK, maybe Mark Buerhle. And that's a stretch. Last time I was there, this family brought their kid's playpen to the lawn area. The entire thing. Um...a little too much, maybe?

May 14, 2010: Myrtle Beach Pelicans vs. Salem Red Sox (single A)

Irrelevant, yet relevant sidebar: I told my mom that I was going to Florida next week for a little getaway. She finds it unfortunate that I'm going on a vacation without her. By the way, I'm 26 years old. Anyway, she then calls me later to see if I can find out how much it would cost to stay at some hotel in Myrtle Beach. She was thinking about going there for a vacation. Was she...trying to make me jealous? If that were the case, maybe she should have gone with...anywhere other than Myrtle Beach. Anyway, I remember when this team came to the beach. Everyone was excited! Who knows if that's the case now. Guess we shall find out May 14th!

June 18, 2010: Carolina Mudcats vs. Huntsville Stars (double A)

Quick history lesson: The Carolina Mudcats are a double A team for the Cincinnati Reds. So this likely means that...most of these players suck. But the Reds did sign that Cuban guy (Alrodis Chapman, if you dare to care). So hey, maybe things are on the up for the Reds. And the stadium looks pretty nice. And I've never been to...wherever this stadium happens to be. But this is the last piece in my baseball puzzle. Well, almost...

Sometime this summer: Columbia Blowfish vs. Whoever they play

I'm a little embarrassed that I took the time to look up this mascot. This is the best they could do??? Anyway, I don't think the rosters are even set yet, and I think it's a little unfair that they have to play at Capital City Stadium when the "majestic" Carolina Stadium is oh so close by. But anyway, this will be more like a victory lap, since I would have gone through six other baseball games to get to this point. And then I can (not) blog about other things. Like football!

So there is my mission. I suppose I do accept it, since I was the one who came up with it. So I hope I put up some pictures worth enjoying, and at least have something relevant to say about each game. So, uh, stay tuned?

Hatin's hard work.

2010-02-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

As always, the opinions in this blog are shared by only myself. And people who considers themselves sensible and sexy.

Larry King: Well, where are the haters?

(OK. I do hate this shirt.)

In the age of instant analysis, people would lead you to believe that "haters" lurk EVERYWHERE. Any music artist/professional bar hopper/slutty behaving/"entertainer"/attention seeker/athlete/person of interest would love to have you believe that there are people out there put on this earth to "hate" on them. You'll see things like:

Thanks for this award. I'd like to dedicate this to all the haters out there...
You know. I gotta wear my hater blockers ALL THE TIME NOW. THEY COMIN OUT THE WOODWORK!
He got a PHD, Playa Hata Degree!
I mean, people still hate. But Ima do me cuz that's all I know.
I really just hate my life, so I'll pretend that other people are hating on me and I won't hate it as much, right?? (OK, so I made up the last one...I think.)

You get the idea. Most of the people who believe they have haters really don't. For example, the quote at the top was from Larry King's interview with Chris Brown. Chris mentioned that there were a lot of "haters" around. But what could they possibly hate on Chris for? Wait a minute, would it be the fact that he choked and beat his girlfriend up in his car??!!!?? That's not hatin. That's you being a le douche. People "hate" on The Situation? No, they think you're a lame, roided up, creepy, desperate womanizer who looks 35 going on 45.

(Those were two examples off the top of my head. I'm sure there are plenty more.)

However, there are people who are legitimately hated on. While some of these figures are rather polarizing, you do get the sense that they may really never be able to please some people. For every good thing done, you will instead hear about eight things they "don't" do. In the age of immediate response to anything, it can be nauseating. I was able to find quite a few people to make my Hated On Mostly list. Chances are, you will hate this list. Of course, that will prove my point.

1. Barack Obama

If this were a college football top 25 poll, there's no way that El Presidente isn't a unanimous number one. Now you can argue that he has received quite a bit of love from the media (or as some one would say: THE FREAKIN LIBERAL MEDIA!). And yes, you may be right. But, there are is a lot of resentment toward our Commander in Chief. And no, it doesn't all come from Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin (though they do their share). He's been grilled for using a teleprompter to forcing health care down our throats to wearing old jeans. You would get the feeling that he's never done anything right in his life. So, how did he become president exactly?

2. Taylor Swift

I know, I know. Probably getting a little too cute here. Personally, I'm not quite sure how the recording academy sleeps at night by giving her Album of the Year. But! I'm sure it wasn't from sexual favors. She's one of the few (Carrie Underwood would have been another, but she butchered the national anthem during the Super Bowl in such a way that should have put her on an FBI watch list) people able to appeal to country and non-country music people. That counts, right? Anyway, let's just say there were plenty of people to voice their extreme displeasure with her winning Grammys. I myself was Team Kanye during the VMA fiasco. But to have widespread success when no one really buys music anymore is an impressive feat. And for that, I think people can give her a break.

3. Widely Successful Sports Teams

For this number, I will give a few examples, in no particular order:
-L.A. Lakers
-New York Yankees
-New England Patriots
-Duke basketball
-Notre Dame football
I guarantee that you can find at least five people who are anti-fans of each time I listed. The question is: why? Amongst the five on this list, they've won fifty nine championships (15 for the Lakers, 27 for the Yankees, three for the Patriots and Duke, and eleven for Notre Dame). They're all global brands, recognized by most non-comatose people. Yet, for some reason, people love to hate them. Obviously, people hate what they can't have. If you're looking for real-time proof, just do a Twitter search after one of these teams loses a game. I try not to revel in the fact that another team loses (I hate to lose myself, maybe that's why?). Of course, since this is a game that is being played, there will be a winner and a loser. But you could say that more people take joy in these teams losing than their actual fans do when they win. But maybe that's just me.

4. Conservatives

(What does it say about me that I actually believed that Ann Coulter posed for Playboy? I mean...she didn't actually do it, right?)
Maybe it's because of the company I keep. But ye gods, when I'm feeling bad for a group of people...wait, I do that a lot. Whatever. After November 2008, it was as if being a Conservative was a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay. Even poor George Bush was booed at the inauguration! (What's up with that?) From holding up health care to having an elephant as a symbol, there's seemingly nothing these folks can do right (wait, didn't I say that about someone earlier?) Now, there are quite a few conservatives who have said some off the wall things. (Then again, does the name Joe Biden mean anything to you?) And maybe things are turning around for Team Red these days. Now, maybe this is the company I keep, but I'm thinking one of my 4.8 readers will agree with this.

5. Alicia Keys
OK. This is just a joke. Really this is a chance for me to grill her again. I mean, did you see that All-Star game performance? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRJyvq4X7Og) I still feel like my ears are starting to recover. So what if "at least she didn't lip sync?" She should have. Egad. She wasn't feeling well? Well, just play the We Are the World video on the super duper HD screens. Really. Actually, they should have just called Big & Rich to perform again.

So Jordy, isn't this a form of hating?

I like to lump my "constructive criticism" in with the examples of "hatin" I used with Chris Brown and The Situation. In other words, it was well-deserved, Alicia. A girl I know would always argue that Alicia had a terrible voice. I did not share this sentiment. Well, at least for Sunday night, she was right.

6. The military
I'm too lazy to find a picture. But find someone that doesn't have a family member/close friend who has served or is serving that has a positive opinion of the military. Don't worry, take your time. You'll need. it. I remember when my girlfriend mentioned to a lady at a dog resort(??) that we attended her brother's Marine boot camp graduation. She had such a look of disgust on her face; you could just sense the disdain. What exactly is there to from upon when you meet someone willing to serve their country? My roommate's sister said her friends all gave her a hard time when she wanted to join the Air Force. As if that were beneath her. I know...she has lame friends. Still. This is an opinion that a lot of people have. It's just not a fair one. I don't expect you to agree with war. And the term "protecting our freedom" can be interpreted many different ways. But what shouldn't be misinterpreted is that these people dedicate their time and lives to serve our country. Let's see you give that a try.

Others receiving votes: Kobe Bryant, the BCS, Bill O'Reilly, Lady Gaga, Tiger Woods*, the color orange.

*Obviously, it's understandable to "hate" what Tiger did. I get that. You're a married man with children. I think that means you shouldn't have flings in different area codes. Of course, now everyone has an opinion on what Tiger "should" do to "clean up his act." He curses too much on the course! He snares at people clicking cameras or yelling when he's trying to focus! He shuns the media! Oh, the outrage!

Well, he also wins. A lot. Think about the great winners in sports. How many of these guys were actually "nice?" (OK, I'll give you Roger Federer. But can you think of ten?) He shouldn't care about being nice. That's not what he's here for. He's here to win golf tournaments. Being nice and courteous is boring anyway.

Which brings me to this. This "press conference" tomorrow will be ultra lame UNLESS he comes out with this statement:
OK. So I got caught. And that sucks. I took some time away because I was hoping that the Brett Favre-Michael Vick dog fighting ring would be exposed, meaning that no one would care what I did. (Wait, that DIDN'T HAPPEN? Damn.) I'm really here to say that I don't think I messed up by sleeping around. I messed up by being married. Now I have this other woman, her family, our kids, all this nonsense to worry about. I really just wanted to win as many golf tournaments as possible. I'm really just a cyborg programmed to win. Somehow Microsoft got ahold of my programming code and messed it up.

Anyway, I finally got myself right. So I'm getting a divorce, and I will be back at the Masters. I'll just give ESPN enough time to make a worthwhile Tiger Returns countdown that you will see every day up until I return. And yes. I will win. And you all will cry. And I am single, so ladies, holla at me. You'll look good with some stripes on you.

(If that actually happens, how soon before I'm on ESPN?)

Back, yet annoyed as ever.

2009-12-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

As always, the opinions in this column are shared by me. And maybe 17 other people on the planet. Because let's be honest, do we really want a lot of people who think like me? Even I know this isn't a good thing.

(What, too soon?)

So, in trying to find things that stuck out to me the most this year, I realized that there really wasn't much of a theme that I can hang my hat on. I worked a lot, went on a few trips, and probably watched 24,856 football games since September (my proudest moment yet). But if there was a feeling that really defined my year, without a doubt, it's a feeling of being A-N-N-O-Y-E-D. By seemingly everything. I tried to think back to a day where I wasn't annoyed at all....and that resulted in me becoming more annoyed. I just don't remember a time where there were so many things that made me crazy.

As I thought about this some more, I realize that these are probably things that make other people annoyed as well. It's not as if I sit around with an annoyed look on my face all day. It's usually all of a sudden. So, I figured this was something to have a little fun with. This list is not in any particular order. Since it really takes "quite a bit" (that's really a flat-out LIE) to actually annoy me, I'm usually full of rage no matter which item on this list actually happens.

Annoying Jordy in 2009

1. Unfortunate pictures on the Internet
I've dated a photography major, one of my good friends is a photographer, and everyone else around just likes to take a lot of pictures. Throughout this time, I've been able to master the art of taking a good picture. Even if I'm just full of myself right now, I will not deny the fact that I certainly know what a BAD picture looks like. It's really not hard to find one. Just log into your Facebook account. I'm sure someone has 391 pictures of their baby making the same catatonic face. Or the completely unflattering photos of someone who isn't smiling, (instead they're eating, in the middle of a conversation, or doing something that no one actually viewing these photos would really know the context of since they weren't there) or in a bikini when they were better off wearing a trench coat (or staying at home).

But my personal favorite (let's just say that I'm using the word favorite...quite loosely) is the bathroom photo. Even better is the picture in front of your mirror...with your cell phone in the picture (I kid you not--if I had Bill Gates/Arab/Steve Jobs/our national debt/make it rain money---I would make sure everyone I knew on Facebook had a respectable digital camera. Please disregard should I win the lottery). I'm sure the reason someone takes pictures in the bathroom is to make sure they get a good picture, and not so everyone can know the color of the tiles. But here's a thought: If the picture does not come out OK, (no matter the location) YOU CAN TAKE IT AGAIN!! WHO KNEW??!!??!!??!!??

2. ESPN
This may shock some people (namely, my roommate and my girlfriend...not to mention...anyone who reads this blog---all 4.6 of you). But even I cannot handle the monster this thing has become. I consider myself pretty knowledgeable about sports, and my main purpose of watching ESPN is to perhaps catch up on something that I missed (most of my "study material" comes from the Internet now). so you would think that I would love every minute of it. Um, no.

For one, I hate the term "sources." BUT THEY LOVE IT AT ESPN. All you need is a "source." Well, when I was in school, YOU ALWAYS HAD TO NAME YOUR SOURCES. How come ESPN gets away with not telling. Sources close to the situation say that Steve Spurrier is considering forcing Stephen Garcia to grow a fu manchu...What sources?? Did you talk to Mrs. Suprrier? Close to the situation??!!?? Are you buddies with the fly on the wall?

Also, Erik Kuselias stated on his radio show today that ESPN was trying to "help" Tiger Woods. Wait a minute, did you hire Dr. Phil? Are you not just a sports network here to...wait for it...report the story?? Can we not just talk about people who are playing games? Do I need to have Herm Edwards go ballistic over the people Tiger Woods was hanging with? I mean...what are you here for again?

I could also do without the Bottom Line. Just show the scores. Don't scroll an entire story about Bobby Bowden's career. I know I can go on your website for that. Thanks a bunch, I appreciate your time.

3. The Simply Rude Awakening of TMI
I feel relatively comfortable talking about virtually anything. The only subjects I shy from are the ones I don't know a lot about. But there are some things that I'm not going to share. That's OK though, because there are plenty of people willing to share so I won't have to!

People are seemingly willing to share anything. There's a picture I saw on Facebook of a mother showing her child's first #2 in the toilet. Yes, this really happened! From talking about filing for bankruptcy, to nasty sex positions, to sharing unfortunate medical situations...I feel like I've been a part of people's lives more than I should ever be. And I. Never. Actually. Wanted. To. Know. About. Any. Of. This.

4. The Death of the English Language
Even I used the wrong words from time to (all the) time. And I may misspell a word every now and then (too much). But hey, there's always a spell checker somewhere. Try telling that to other people. From not knowing the correct there/their/they're to use, to using words that are completely unnecessary, (I had a customer send in an e-mail wanting to "strategically" set up her Friends & Family list. Are you sure you weren't referring to the military strategy for Afghanistan) people seem to get dumber by the hour. And I'm sure this makes every English teacher out there want to sob uncontrollably. Bill Maher said that he wouldn't "put anything past this stupid country" to possibly select Sarah Palin as president. Oh Bill, just take a scroll of the social networks. We're pretty dumb indeed.

So yes, I only made it to four. And yet, I feel like this isn't quite enough. Guess how that makes me feel.

D.O.T. (Death of Turtle)

2009-10-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, some nicknames stick. There’s His Airness, All Day, Young Hov, Mamba, King James, Obamessiah, even The Big Diesel/Aristotle/Forgiver/Take Your Pick. With all of those names I mentioned, I’m thinking you have an idea of who those people are (and if you don’t, well, hit up Google sometime, it might help). Well, for me it was Turtle. I can’t even say that I wanted this nickname. I think some girl told me it was cute, (after everyone had decided to accept calling me this) so I figured I would roll with it. (Call this a “man’s world” all you want, women have persuasive powers at even an early age. Maybe I’m just weak. Obviously, this is not relevant.)

I think this started in 7th grade. My friend TJ started calling me Turtle. Actually, I think he was actually making fun of me. “You look like a turtle” were his exact words, I believe. I even walked slow, for reasons unknown actually. From there, the name spread to the teacher, then other teachers, then Williams Middle School as a whole. Obviously, this is either right on the money accurate or not true whatsoever. I’m going to go with somewhere in the middle of those. Anyway, this was the birth of Turtle.

Well, Turtle stuck. I went from drawing a turtle on all my schoolwork above my name (my best work ever, seriously) to using it everywhere, in every instance. E-mail addresses, (turtlewuzhere) usernames, (turtledizzle) passwords with some form of ‘turtle,’ even my old Easyjournal blog (Turtle Tells It!)---no person or thing was safe. Girlfriends would give me turtle-related gifts. I even wanted a tattoo of a turtle (a very manly looking tattoo, mind you). My friends would say, “I saw this turtle being run over by a Mack truck, and I thought of you!!!!!!!!!” (Friends. Can’t live without em, eh?) Obviously, this nickname stuck.

Now don’t get me wrong, I played the part. With pleasure, even. I walked slow. Took my time with…everything. (I may or may not still do this) When people would call me Turtle (Or Turtle D/Turtle Dizzle/Turtle Man/simply “T”, I would respond. In my mind, the sky was the limit with this Turtle moniker (today South Carolina, tomorrow THE WORLD!)

Thankfully, I grew up. With college came the promise of a career, and with the promise of a career came this whole idea of marketing myself. Now let’s be honest, who would hire someone with an e-mail address of turtlewuzhere@yahoo.com? (C’mon, not everybody at once!) I got a “legitimate” e-mail address, stopped using ‘turtle’ in every single username/password combination that I had, and got rid of that woeful turtle hat. After all, I’m mesmerized by sports. In sports, everything is fast. Turn your head away from the action, and chances are you’ve missed something important. I eat fast, drink fast, and run fast (well, we have to use fast “very loosely” when it comes to running). Needless to say, my new world of “fast” just didn’t sit well with the old guard (Turtle Universe). Something had to give.

I will admit, I still like to take my time. I would wake up three hours before I had to be at work…and still be in scramble mode to get out of the door in time. Not only do I take my time with things, I make no apologies whatsoever for it. But hey, I never said I was fully reformed from my….relaxed approach to things.

Of course, the old regime of usernames, passwords, screen names and the like had to go…right? No, I’m too lazy for that. Of course, for every jmckever, there was a turtleman(insert number here). For every mckevjo, there was a “sexyturtle” lurking in the distance. And since I never actually said, “I need to give up this turtle madness!” this just kept going for way too long. So! After unsuccessfully trying to access both my student loan and cell phone payments online, I came to the realization that it’s time to pull a Nero and destroy the Turtle Universe. Yes, I am well aware that this should have happened long ago. I also realize that I probably could have prevented all of this by…just not accepting that nickname. But alas, we’re not here to talk about the past. (At least…parts of the past that I don’t want to talk about)

So, it’s been a great ride, Turtle. Unfortunately, you gave me an identity. You even spawned an unsightly hat. I don’t know if this all really needed it’s own column, but hey…that’s what blogs are for.

Three cheers, three boos.

2009-10-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

So just in case you were waiting for an update from me in order to keep up with The Delusional Path to 10-2: Your 2009 Gamecocks!...(if this is really what you were doing, then...well I have no idea why you would ever want to do that!) we have arrived at our first true gut check game of the season. We're on the road at the second ranked Alabama Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa. (Say it with me folks...EGAD!)

(About this being the first true test: Well, it is! While Georgia and Ole Miss were ranked at the time that we played them, but I think it's safe to say that both of those teams were...not what we thought they were! So yes, if there were ever a measuring stick for our Fearless Rooster-like creatures, well HERE WE ARE!)

So I digress.

As I was sitting at work today, my mind was running rampant with thoughts about how we could possibly pull off a big victory (I tend to shy away from using the word upset--aren't all teams "upset" when they lose a game?) Saturday night (7:45 on ESPN, just in case you're still looking to me for all things Carolina football). And in perfect Jordy fashion, I was able to talk myself out of a victory (and into a trip to the woodshed). Now, I do this all the time; occasional delusional behavior in regards to sports is my specialty. But anyway, I figured that this would be a sensational subject to blog about. So...here I am. Three reasons why I think Carolina will make something great happen, followed by three reasons why they. Will. Not.

Three Cheers!
1. I present to you...the Cardiac Cocks!
Let me be the first person to admit that has not been a very pretty season for le Cocks de Game. In five years of the Cock 'n' Sparkle era, I have yet to see a game where you could come away thinking, "Wow, the Gamecocks PUT THEIR STAMP on the game today!" (Often times you could say, "Wow, this is quite the smelly turd sandwich the Cocks laid on the field today!") And yes, while only two of the wins have...ended comfortably, the very valid argument can be made that the competition was much tougher in the games that did not end so comfortably.

But! The difference this year (over...every single year of their existence) is that when the game has been on the line, (before you even start, can we just take the last drive of the Georgia game out of this sample size?) Carolina has made the play(s) to win the game. That is the difference between a middling team and a...dare I say..."good working toward great" football team. If you happen to pay attention to the NFL...I'd like to compare Carolina to the Cincinnati Bengals. Tough (when it needs to be) defense, maligned coach/franchise, highly touted quarterback that hasn't quite delivered...and they are finding ways to win just like Carolina. Now...teams usually end up losing more of these close games than they win...but let's worry about in 2010. Anyway, playing a team like Alabama tends to make the football nerd in me believe that this game could be headed for one of those "very close in crunch time" affairs...which is what these Gamecocks have seemingly learned to pull out.

2. The last time I saw Tuscaloosa...

So OK...this may have been from five years ago, but this is still relevant! And yes, there are no more players on this team who were apart of that victory. But folks, this is what I'd like to call precedent! Carolina made things look ridiculously easy back then. And while...um, there's no real reason to think that this will happen again...you have to think that a good coach will at least remind his players that winning in Tuscaloosa has happened before (paging the Ole Ball Coach...).

3. Carolina. Is. So. Due.
As noted before, the win vs. Ole Miss does not count. Carolina just hasn't really pulled off a win that has proved any sort of 'arrival' since 2002's Outback Bowl (In a sadly related story, your boy started attending Carolina in the fall of 2002. Really, I blame myself. Really, I do.) victory over Ohio State (who...oddly enough...has been to three national championship games, even winning one of them since that bowl game---let me stop before I throw up). Oh, there have been plenty of teases with greatness (a 24-17 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' against an at the time second ranked Auburn, as well as a 'people called me crying' 17-16 low blow against Florida come to mind...both of those were in 2006. Le sigh!). But no real results. Sports Illustrated's theme for their college football preview was teams that could 'shake up the BCS.' Well...take a look at le Cocks de Game, why don't ya? You have:
-Team in a BCS conference
-Rabid fan base
-Impact players on both sides of the ball
-Historically...not quite living up to expectations
-Quarterback coming into his own
-Coach with some experience of...winning
-Chance to make a statement in a game against an 'established contender'
So all of these things are in line. How could this NOT happen?

(Oh you had to ask.)

Three Boos.
1. Alabama is quite good.
Ugh. It's not even close. Alabama has been the most consistent team all year. I just took a gander at their results from the year so far...and, well...it was close for a while against Virginia Tech? (Of course, the Hokies are...number four!) And that game was a double digit win for the Tide! It's been that kind of season for Alabama. Save for the last two games of 2008, and Bama has been more than solid. Also, they have a coach (in Nick Saban) who really knows how to get the best out of his teams at all times.

(On yet another sidebar...how in the hell did we not get Nick Saban to coach the Gamecocks?? Yes, he is a weasel. I will not deny that. But you were looking for a coach who had results everywhere he went...he made MICHIGAN STATE GOOD...why would you not go for Nicky? Oh, what could have been.)

2. Carolina...may not be that good.
Yes, I know I went all 'Cardiac Cocks' on you earlier, but aside from the Florida Atlantic/SCSU games, (where both games were a toss up at the half) Carolina has benefitted BIG TIME from a coaching staff that...did not seem to be in the mood to win the game. For example:
-Last week vs. Kentucky, the Wildcats (wait, this is an actual TEAM NAME? Who knew!) had a fourth down in Carolina territory, down 21-17. Out trots the field goal unit. And...it's a fake!!?? The fake is oh so snuffed out...and Carolina gets the ball back. (But wait, it gets better!) Stephen Garcia throws an interception, and Kentucky has the ball again in Carolina territory. They kick a field goal to come within one. But what if they just kick the field goal instead of doing the fake in the previous drive??? Suddenly, you're up 2, on the road, against a shaky team and an apathetic crowd. (Hello, momentum, nice to see you again!)

WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU NOT KICK A FIELD GOAL THE FIRST TIME!!?? (I'm sorry for sounding like I'm upset with Kentucky for this...OK, I am a little. Can I get a team that's trying to win for once?)

Anyway, this is a supreme example of a team gift-wrapping yet another game to us. With the scoring that took place at the end, Kentucky still wins that game. But...as was the case with Ole Miss (letting Jevan Snead ever throw, ever) and North Carolina State, (actually, I don't know what they were doing) there were games that Carolina did not really win as much as they found a suitcase of cash and decided to just keep it.

Breaking news: That's not going to cut it with Alabama.

3. On the road, in-conference, highly ranked opponent...F-A-I-L
Does the score 56-6 keep you up at night? What about 48-7? 28-16 make you shudder? Well, these were some scores from past road games in conference against highly ranked opponents (Florida, Auburn and LSU respectively). In essence, Carolina has been...como se dice 'Not very good?' in these types of situations. Add the fact that Alabama is playing incredibly well, along with a dash of 'the Alabama coaching staff will put their team in a position to win the game throughout,' (don't sleep on the importance of that) and the 7:45 on ESPN (26 for basic cable in Columbia, 206 if you have DirecTV, 950 if you have that elite HD on Time Warner in Columbia...) time slot has not been very kind... (off the top of my head, and...after looking at the results...le Cocks de Game are 0 for that particular time slot) you have the recipe for your boy drowning his sorrows in lighter fluid. And also question why he even decided to pen this entry. (Or type. Whatever.)

So there you have it. For just as many reasons that the long-awaited statement win can happen...there is enough evidence to make you think that it won't. But hey, I'm delusional! At this rate, Carolina is still on pace for the Sugar Bowl. Or the Liberty Bowl. Go figure!

Delusional Fandom 101

2009-09-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

I will go ahead and apologize for a couple of things:
1. I have been completely and utterly lazy when it comes to posting. I think I have had plenty to write about. Just not a lot of motivation for actually putting things down. I know that I only have two official followers, but I'd like to believe that people come and check this thing out from time to time. So I am sorry. I had good intentions, and very poor execution. And I may have stolen that from someone. Who knew?!?

2. If you are not into football, you may want to not read The Blacktooth Files for a while. Nothing really gives me a lot to talk about as much as football will. So please get ready. I plan to kick things off tonight with how I talked myself into a 10 win season for the Gamecocks. No, that's not a typo. You read it right, folks!!! Now obviously, this is all a best-case scenario situation. But still, allow me to take a look at things game-by-game:

-@North Carolina State: You never really know with first games. But allow me to throw the history book at you: the Gamecocks have yet to lose a season debut under Steve Spurrier. As a matter of fact, they have outscored their opponents by a score of 101-29. How about that stat?!? (Now, suspend reality here for a moment---I know that we played the likes of Louisiana-Lafayette and Central Florida. But stats are stats!) I feel like this will bode well. Also, North Carolina State + Thursday night=not a good result! WIN

-@Georgia: Honestly, this is the one I fear the most. Yes, Georgia lost Matthew Stafford and Knoshown Moreno. But Joe Cox is in the same situation that DJ Shockley encountered in 2005--the year Georgia won the SEC championship and ended up in the Sugar Bowl. But! Last time we were in Athens, we won. The past few games between both teams have been extremely close. I think enough balls bounce our way. WIN

-Florida Atlantic: Half of the FU (FAU/FIU) Pu Pu Platter. Home openers usually include enough juice from the home crowd to push the team through. Florida Atlantic has never beaten an SEC team. That may be a lie, but I'm too lazy to look it up. WIN

-Mississippi: Oh, stop it. Ole Miss is really the most overrated team going into this season. Sports Illustrated has them ranked sixth. SIXTH?!? Seriously? I would be OK with that...if there was one highlight of Jevean Snead throwing an accurate pass to a receiver in stride. Haven't seen it yet! Even when Houston Nutt had Darren McFadden and Felix Jones, he never finished in the top ten. Let's just say that I don't like their chances this year. WIN

-South Carolina State: If they lose this game, I would have to start my own riot. That would just be sad. I like the fact that we are playing an in-state team...but let's spice it up a little bit! Why can't we play them in Orangeburg? I feel like that would be more of a worthwhile game. You could guarantee a sellout there, really put on a show, get a nice halftime show from the band...a win-win for everyone. Especially us. WIN

-Kentucky: Do I really think we can start 5-0? Well Mr. Delusional says yes! We haven't lost at home to Kentucky in quite some time, at least not since 2001. So let's chalk another one up for the home team! And find ultra uncharted territory at 5-0. WIN

-@Alabama: I may or may not be running out of steam here. And I also may or may not be doing a fantasy football draft right now. Whatever. Still, while Nick Saban is indeed the Weasel of the South, he sure can build some solid college football teams! This isn't USC @ Alabama back in 1972. Not even close. LOSS

-Vanderbilt: It's revenge all the way here. Wait a minute, are you saying that we've lost two in a row to Vanderbilt?!!? Well, don't say that. As a matter of fact, if that is the first thought that popped up in your head, then you ARE NOT BEING DELUSIONAL RIGHT NOW. And therefore, you may want to seek the advice of people who are paid to talk about football. I think the fair will still be in town. And the Gamecocks do well when the fair is in town. (Please do not fact check me. I beg you!!) All the history is being thrown out of the window. Hello 6-1!!! Nice to see you again! WIN

-@Tennessee: Theme of the year: The Vols suck balls! By this point, Lane Kiffin won't even be able to get a job pumping gas. By the way...seriously, Rocky Top??? You run the coach who brought you a national title, Peyton Manning, an expanded stadium, and the greatest run since Robert Neyland himself out of town. For...Lane Kiffin? Who had never been a coach at any level, was 'on the staff' at USC...which was something that you could say for Ed Orgeron?? (how did that work out, Ole Miss?) Who tanked so badly in Oakland that Al Davis came back from the dead to talk shit about in a press conference?!!? And you want this guy to be your coach?? Stop it. Please. WIN BY 7000+

-@Arkansas: No Tryone Nix. No Darren McFadden. No Felix Jones. Probably no Bobby Petrino. I have a feeling that he will probably take six more jobs by the time this game rolls around. So yes, I like our chances here. WIN

-Florida: Well, I don't think the Gators are going to repeat as national champions. History shows that teams who are voted overwhelmingly number one at the start of the season don't end that way. That, and you may have some guys who will not want to go ALL OUT in order to protect their NFL hopes...and...maybe Tim Tebow will get malaria? Although this is highly unlikely since he is a cyborg. I think this has the possibility of being a close one...a la 2003 in Columbia. But...no cigar. We will be lucky to even SEE a cigar here. LOSS

-Clemson: Could we possibly go 3-1 in our Orange Crush? (Tennessee, Arkansas, Florida, Clemson) Well, it's never happened before. But hey, I've never been this delusional either!! And there's really no excuse for losing to a team who has a head coach by the name of Dabo...two years in a row. Folks...it's Black Magic all over again!!! Hello, Joe Morrison!!! This one's for you! WIN

So there you have it, folks. 10-2, with losses coming to Florida and Alabama. (That could send TBF on the road to the Sugar Bowl!) But let's be serious here, these were two teams who were ranked number one at some point last year. Mr. Delusional thinks we will be legendary, but not damn epic. In less than 1,000 words, I've probably talked you into believing in a 10-2 season too!!!

Just...don't watch this clip. Ever.

My favorite callers.

2009-06-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

So my job title really doesn't adequately explain what I actually do. Most of the day, I just listen to people complain, complain, and complain some more. Either they're the president of their company and they can't check their e-mail on their phone, (of course when they call, they're sitting in front of the computer saying, 'I see e-mails here on my desktop, but not on my phone. Which makes me wonder, why does it matter if you're not getting e-mail on your phone if you've been sitting at your computer all day?) or they can't text their lover who's stationed in Afghanistan, or they're 8 months pregnant and they can't muster the energy to take the battery out of the phone. That's just a small sampling.

Anyway, I've gathered a list of my favorite calls from the time I've been there. It seems like I've had the most crazy ones since I've been doing tech/global stuff. I suppose since I've taken a call on just about any question/issue that could possibly happen with a cell phone, (someone called once and said that her phone caught on fire. She happened to leave out the part about actually lighting a match and setting the phone on fire, but who cares about DETAILS, right?) it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I get these crazies on a regular basis. So, here's a sampling of my favorite crazy calls:

You've reached the king of Indonesia. Leave a message!
This wasn't my call, but I had to share it here---a teammate of mine had a guy that insisted that he was having a problem calling the king of Indonesia. They refused to answer the phone when he called because his number showed as private. Now a lot of people don't answer the phone when the number shows as private. Here's the problem with this guy---Indonesia has no king. Well, they haven't had one since the 13th century. And yes, he was serious.

My memory card fell out of my phone.
A guy called last night saying that his memory card ejected itself out of his phone. He was certain that this happened, and the phone was defective. The only problem is that THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. For his model of phone, (LG enV2) you have to open the flap and push on the card for it to come out. No other way. It's possible for that port to become loose, but someone would have to really tamper with the port. Anyway, not only did he want another phone, he wanted a new memory card. He then said that he's now without those memories (via the pictures saved on the card) that would take 'thousands of dollars to replace.' Woe is him, I suppose. I have an LG phone, and try as I might...I can't make my memory card just come out on its own. Alas, my caller strongly disagreed.

Of course, these are just two. But there are oh so much more. I will update with those periodically. Hopefully you will find my frustration entertaining. Whatever, I find it entertaining too.

The Problem with Dale.

2009-05-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

So I may not have disclosed that I follow NASCAR. Quite often, as a matter of fact. I could tell you just as easily who won the Winston Cup back in 1993 (Dale Earnhardt) just as easily as I can tell you who won the World Series back in 1990 (Cincinnati Reds). I even watched the entire Coca Cola 600 back in 2005. I tell you all of this not to gross you out, but to throw up my credentials as I attempt to go on a little rant about some recent developments.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. is undoubtedly one of the most popular drivers in the history of NASCAR. It probably helps that his father (Dale Sr.) was one of the most successful and feared drivers ever. Not only that, his personality seems to fit in with what NASCAR's core fans are all about. (Wearing Wrangler jeans and wearing sunglasses. Maybe that's inaccurate. But whatever.) When I worked at a liquor store, one guy said the only reason he drank Budweiser is because 'Dale's face was on it.' Sounds like effective advertising to me.

What this popularity hasn't given him is actual success on the track. As in, not even close. The closest he really ever got to winning a championship was in 2004. He had just won the EA Sports 500 at Talladega. He had just become the leader in the standings. Then he uttered the phrase, 'It don't mean shit now...' in reference to his dad winning many restrictor-plate races in the past.

The only problem with that statement? He was on live TV. Oops! He was docked some points, ended up costing him the whole thing. Well, that and some bad finishes down the stretch. In the meantime, people around him have blamed everything (crew chief, inferior equipment, his mother-in-law undermining him) for his results.

So at the beginning of last year, that was supposed to change. He signed with Hendrick Motorsports, a team that boasted Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson. Jeff has won multiple championships, Jimmie Johnson has won three in a row. So everything was in place now. Well, not so much. While he did finish 3rd overall, he only won a race once. Not only that, he was not considered a major contender for the championship (I believe that's supposed to matter, correct?)

As it currently stands, Junior sits 19th in the standings. Still not bringing those positive results people have wanted, his crew chief was just fired. Now I'm all for change when necessary, but has anyone raised the idea that maybe Junior just isn't that good? His best average finish has been 12th, which is just enough to get in the Chase, (NASCAR's 'playoffs') but that's not winning. Especially when it seems that everything has been put in front of Junior to succeed. I know that people shouldn't just accept their shortcomings, but I really think that it's time for some of the responsibility to be placed on Junior himself. In other sports, people who have gained widespread popularity are skewered when championships aren't won, or when they aren't showing results that would at least make people realize that you're serious about being a winner.

So, why can't the same be done for Dale Jr?

Bikini Girl got a boob job!

2009-05-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

I will briefly apologize for a lack of entries lately. OK, I'm sorry.

So I wanted to do a running diary of the Idol finale, but I didn't bring any materials with me to my viewing location. And I must say, I'm glad I didn't bring anything. I thought the show was a nightmare. A complete slap in the face to the core audience of the show. Let's just run through some of the collaborations they had:

-Lil Rounds + Queen Latifah
-Kris Allen + Keith Urban
-Adam Lambert + KISS
-Allison Iraheta + Cindi Lauper
-Alexis Grace and Anoop Desai + Jason Mraz
-Danny Gokey + Lionel Richie
-The girls + Fergie (later bringing Black Eyed Peas)
-The guys + Rod Stewart

Apparently these were all part of the 'big surprises' that Idol had planned for this finale. I think I better surprise would have been them just taking a crap into a big bowl and giving it to Kris as a trophy. (OK, so at least the winner was a sensible choice. Adam is a great performer, but does he not make your ears bleed? Would you really buy his album? It's nice to take songs you've heard before and make them into something wild and crazy, but how are you going to make people enjoy some insane arrangement of a song we've never heard of? I wonder if America collectively used their brains here to make the right choice. Or...if more people just voted for Kris. Whatever.)

The finale in itself just proved that American Idol could really care less about the people who give the show its juice (the younger people). I mean, all those 'surprise performers' are a nice touch---if this show was being aired on VH1. But no, it's not. KISS??? Really? Did you really want your kids jamming out to Gene Simmons' ultra creepy tongue? Keith Urban? WHAT?? Queen Latifah? I mean, could they have found a relevant, popular artist that appeals to a MASS audience under the age of 45? (Yes, there was Jason Mraz, but check that second part of my question.)

I think in an era where people turn on TV quite quickly, American Idol should be a lot more careful in events like this. So what if nearly 100 million people voted for the final two contestants? There's no law stating that American Idol has to be popular. People's minds change quickly. Obviously, the ratings will probably be high for this sort of thing, but I wonder if it will last if the show keeps FedExing turd sandwiches like this on a regular basis.

But hey, what I do know? Maybe I just think about this too much. After all, I did sit through the entire 2+ hour extravaganza. Even any sort of hatred toward the show is still attention. And everyone loves attention.

You can sleep for me.

2009-04-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

I was going to retire for the night, but then I realized that I wanted to complain about work. Or something like it. I've noticed a lot of annoying trends in the two years that I've worked at Verizon Wireless, (OK, it's not so much of a secret where I work anyway) all of them not very necessary. Then again, I think some of them are things that anyone who works at a medium to large sized company would experience. Like:

1.(Absolutely Pointless) Mass E-Mails
I probably get anywhere from 60-100 e-mails per day at work, that number is about 20-50 on the weekends (I could go into an extended rant on working weekends but this is not fmylife.com). MAYBE ten of those e-mails per day are actually relevant. Seriously. Some of them contain actual important stuff (policy changes, how-to information, following up on other customers). The rest can range from a superior who is never around anyway finding it necessary to tell us all that he/she won't be around to someone sending an e-mail to everyone asking if they are having 'any problems with (insert issue and location here).'

Now obviously, this is will sound rather 'holier than thou'--but why would you send an e-mail asking your co-workers if they are having problems with (let's just say text messaging)? WE ARE HERE AT WORK WITH YOU, WE ARE NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS AT ALL. These are 'company' e-mails, so would it not be in your best interest to ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE? Really?

(I digress.)

I just think it's much more efficient in most of these situations to actually just ASK SOMEONE AROUND YOU. We all sit (tech/global) in the same area, is it that hard to just ask someone. We even have an IM application that you can use. There's no need to send out an e-mail to everyone asking for a code when you can just get the answer in an instant. Now once again, maybe I'm being a little bitter. Obviously, I don't think I am.

2.Colleagues who are no help
We're supposed to be a team. It's more like a battle royal, every call center/department for itself. Since most of the people in my department can handle any kind of account/call, we're a target. We're the cleanup crew/fallback plan/big brother all rolled up into one. And no, it's not fun. 93 percent of the time, calls that are transferred to us have had little to no prior troubleshooting/important information uncovered by the representative bringing the caller to me. For lack of a better term, they basically greet the customer before actually having us DO THE WORK. Generally, we are available for escalated technical concerns/ordering any global-related equipment or accessories. That's about it. With that 93 percent of people who DON'T ACTUALLY TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON. Yes, I'm a little passionate about this.

3.Lack of Sufficient Amounts of Ice Cream
OK, so this is more of a personal preference. And yes, this is just me throwing this in to make three gripes. And yes, I want ice cream all the time, work or no work. Oh well, I make no apologies!!!

Now it's obvious I could just get over these things to try and enjoy work a little more. But then again, my gripes could be lessened if people TRY A LITTLE HARDER. That's not impossible, is it?

Almost.

2009-04-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

Finally, I'm going to have to join the party.

I'm currently thisclose to getting my own Twitter. I know, I know, I'm just giving into the machine. And yes, I can let people know what I'm doing via Facebook. Hell, I'm doing enough of that as we speak. But I want to so bad. I don't know what it is. I even got over my initial fears for being 'just like everybody else,' among others:

-Would I really consistently update? I'm going to go with absolutely. I check Facebook about every hour or so. The only reason I don't constantly update my status is because I'm not quite ready to throw my sensational wit around like that. OK, so maybe that's being a bit bold, but I was running out of real reason here.

-Why does it have to be called 'tweeting?' All I can think of is the singer Tweet dancing around touching herself when I hear the word 'tweet.' So maybe this was just a personal gripe when I was 'rebelling against the establishment.' It's almost as valid a reason to not be on Twitter as saying, "I'm not going to vote for Barack HUSSEIN Obama EVER!!!!" (Yeah, don't think that idea worked out quite well, now did it?)

-I don't have a good picture. Once again, petty excuse. A similar excuse is "But I don't like any of my gym clothes, which is why I don't work out." (I've never heard anyone say this, by the way. It just sounds like something one would say.) Anyway, I have this sparkling new webcam to take care of that.

-I told people I would NEVER, EVER get a Twitter page. OK, so maybe I only told two people that. And I'm sure it wasn't in that exact quote. Even if it was, we were born to lie. Or, change our minds at least.

So there you have it. I just spent a good twenty minutes telling you why I'm now going against my my original stance for something that hasn't even happened yet. Sounds a whole lot like the 5674 mock NFL drafts you see floating around the place.

Idol on the Mind
Thanks a lot, Lil Rounds, for giving us all that turd sandwich of a performance last night. I suppose this is exactly what I get for trying to have someone's back when they don't even know me. Or when they may not have been that good to begin with. Of course, we're still on course for an Adam vs. Allison showdown that will shake the earth to its core.

No Regard For Human Life!
Yes, I'm absolutely excited about the start of the NBA Playoffs. There was a debate on ESPN76 the other day over the question of whether or not the NBA Playoffs are better than the NCAA basketball tournament. I'm not sure what side of the argument you may be on, but there is really no comparison here. We are comparing COLLEGE to PROFESSIONAL here. Amateurs to people who get paid for it.

The main draw of March Madness is not the Cinderella story, or the crazy finishes. It's the money. Why do you think CBS is paying the NCAA bailout-like money to broadcast the tournament? Why do you think they give you so many ways to print out a bracket? Do the words 'office pool' have any significance to you? Are you really going to remember how you did in your bracket this year when next year rolls around? (Do not answer that question if you are the author of this blog) Cinderella? Do you even remember that Davidson was in the Elite Eight last year, or that George Mason was in the Final Four in 2006? Of course not. (If you do remember that, then good for you! Smartass.) Don't give me the "well they care more in college" argument either. Well, I'd care if I had a chance to be a champion too!!!

As for the NBA Playoffs, there are moments that stick out with you. It's much easier to try and get to know the teams and the players, because there's not such a large chance that players will not be there next year. (Happens quite a bit in college with the insane NBA one year rule) It's actually a journey. A minimum of 16 games to become the best. A maximum of 28. An unquestioned winner at the end. And alcohol being sprayed all over everyone. I can't say I've seen that last statement happen for the NCAA tournament just yet. Well, at least legally. And of course, there are moments like this:

Look, I'm not saying I don't like the NCAA tournament. I get stuck on it just like everyone else. I'm just saying that it's quite unfair to compare it to the NBA Playoffs.

Isn't that clip just awesome? Keep watching it, I don't mind!

Melt my heart to stone.

2009-04-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

So my roommate's sister was over for dinner tonight, and she complained (mildly) about how the majority of her friends have given unfavorable criticism over her deciding to join the Air Force next month. The consensus was that she was making a huge mistake, and she was 'throwing her life away.'

Oh, to be 19 again!

Anyway, I really sympathized with her. Now, I don't have much experience in this arena. I have not decided (nor will I ever, as far as I'm concerned) to serve my country in any capacity other than paying taxes. But if I had ever made that decision, I would hope that my friends would have been at least somewhat supportive. I think it's a very honorable sacrifice a person makes when they decide to serve their country. I did not think the wars in Iraq/Afghanistan were the best idea, but I've always been appreciative of the job the soldiers who have served in those wars have done. (And any wars/aid/patrol before that)

(Now I've never really gone along with the 'they are protecting our freedom' reasoning. I must say, there's never really been a moment in my life where my freedom as an American has been compromised. Yes, I've felt pretty comfortable here. Not really worried about the government or military being overthrown any time soon, 24 be damned.)

Before I actually gained enough sense to have opinions that made sense, I saw the military as a last resort. The sort of thing someone does when they didn't want to do/weren't able to adapt to college. Or something that you did because it was a family tradition. So my opinion of people I knew who decided to go to the military was, 'Wow, that sucks for them.' But now I know better. It takes a lot to potentially pick up your life, most likely leave all your family and friends behind, only for something that could potentially cost you your life. That takes a lot of courage.

So what does this really mean? Obviously, my roommate's sister needs some new friends.

Idol on the mind
I find it fitting that even with one less performer, and with only two judges critiquing after each song, the show STILL RAN OUT OF TIME. Do the judges not realize that they are not the draw of the show? I know they have a strong influence...but they always say too much at throughout the show...only for the show to end abruptly and disjointed. Might be something we want to work on, producers.

Finally, the blind guy is gone.

2009-04-09T19:11:00.000-07:00

A Very Loose Take on My Daily Activity

Hot or Not, April 2009
Hot
-Bailouts
-Working for AIG
-Being the president of the United States in Europe and not have the name 'George Bush'
-A new baseball season
-The Adam/Allison duo on American Idol. No homo.
-Getting closer to pool/beach time
-Season 7 of 24. Has anyone noticed that they haven't eaten AT ALL in about 7 years?
-Car manufacturers wanting to pay your car payment.
-The imminent NBA Playoff season.

Not
-Paula Abdul on American Idol. I could have said that since 2002, really.
-Me filling out NCAA brackets. I may mention this from time to time.
-The Braves' bullpen.
-Not paying attention while driving.
-Pollen
-Anyone not named Adam/Allison on American Idol. Just pack it up, folks.
-Michigan State in the championship game. Ye gods.
-Lindsay Lohan back on the market

Ice Cold
-Samantha Ronson on the market. She's like 58 years old? Seriously?

PC Mover is a fraud!!!

2009-04-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday night. Which means American Idol was ready to take over the TV. Tonight's episode got me fired up.

(I must forewarn you first by letting you know that I really only have a vested interest in two contestants: Adam and Allison. If they are not the final two contestants for this season, then I will not care. That would seriously just make the show second rate. They are on an entirely different level (with Adam markedly ahead of Allison at this point--I'm crowning him right now. Mark it down, you read it here first.) than the other remaining six people. I don't even know all their names, simply because they do not matter at this point.)

I never thought that I would go down this road, but I have to stick up for Lil Rounds (This is the great next rapper name waiting to happen. And can you believe that this is her REAL NAME? Maybe her family knew she was destined to drop bars while Lil was in the womb. To hell with American Idol, Lil...get with Lil Wayne and form a Lil Dynasty.). She's come out week after week and done a very respectable job no matter what week they've had. Yet time and time again, the judges find a way to rip her a new asshole. If it's not the song selection, (and if you give the people the option of choosing whatever song they'd like, could you please drop the whole 'that just wasn't the right song for you' critique? If you don't like the choice of song, why don't you just choose the songs for them? Can we not just take the performance itself and judge THAT?) it's imploring Lil to take a song and make it 'her own.' Such was the case tonight. She did a pretty impressive job on Tina Turner's 'What's Love Got To Do With It.' Yet again, the judges slaughtered her for it. Blatantly at that. I really don't know why.

(On the flip side, Allison did a song by Bonnie Raitt that wasn't anything spectacular, same arrangement and all. But the judges felt that she was great. Maybe it's because she's 16 and awesome. But, whatever.)

I can't help but wonder why someone who has been so consistent (in a positive way nonetheless) all season has been brutally victimized for being consistent. Have they noticed that it's rather difficult to take someone else's song and make it your own? The only person who has routinely be able to do that sort of thing is Adam. Do they know something that we don't? Does she go to karaoke with the entire crew and just blow everyone out of the water? Is she some secret producer who can arrange any and every song to exactly her liking?

Or...are they placing an indirect level of pressure on Lil because she's a black female? There have been past black females who were very strong contenders. There was Jennifer Hudson (recording artist, Oscar winner) and Fantasia (winner of the show) both had a powerful presence on the show when they were there. Melinda Doolittle was most likely the best overall singer from a past season. Is that what they (the judges) expect from Lil also? Maybe they think it's some star within because she has the immortal 'Lil' name? Do the judges feel like they have to be consistent about something, in order to restore some false sense of credibility to the competition? (Because, there is so much credibility that this show has to offer.) Either way, I think it's extremely unfair. I hope that Lil finds a way to make it to the Top 5, just to make the judges suck it. Big time.

I Used To Dance With My Daddy
-The Braves are back! Two stellar pitching performances in a row---against the defending champions---in Philadelphia at a hitter's park. Yeah, I would call that 'being back.'

-Michael Jordan says he thinks he can still play at 45. You know where he'd be a good fit? The Clippers!! I mean, it's not like they've done much of anything that's made sense lately.

-If you're a quarterback who struggled mightily against the South Carolina Gamecocks, should a team really be considering drafting you number 1 overall, especially when that team didn't win a game last year? I mean, that can't make sense, right? Right????

It's winning time.

2009-04-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

(I'm not a bracketologist. Know this, and mark it down.)

So I suppose it's only fitting that I had North Carolina losing the championship game in my disaster of a bracket. Of course they showed me how much of an idiot I was by whipping Michigan State in the championship game. So, congratulations Tar Heels. If anything, I can tell people that I went to Carolina...and they might think I'm talking about North Carolina. It would be a like, but whatever.

So, what about e-mails?
So one aspect of my job description involves me dealing with cell phone data services. Unfortunately, one data service is e-mail on your phone. Whether it be a Blackberry or an enV (there's an application called Mobile Email that can push e-mail to your phone, kind of like a Blackberry). The word e-mail makes me angry now. Apparently, that's all people care about now.

I'm not getting any e-mail. I need my e-mail.
I'm going on a cruise. Am I going to have e-mail access?
I'm taking a trip to Cuba. Just want to make sure I have e-mail coverage there.
I ABSOLUTELY NEED MY E-MAIL.
I've missed important e-mails today.
I'm going to light myself on fire if I don't get all my e-mails right now.

But my question is this: Is it REALLY that important that you have access to your e-mail on your cell phone? Are you really missing out on something that you can just as well look up on your computer? Really? More importantly, who the hell sends e-mail anymore? I don't count reader/viewer e-mail, or work communication. Let's say you're not sending an editorial comment or communicating with people at work. Who are you e-mailing? And most of the people I assist are not really sending much of anything. Rarely do I get the person who is hot and bothered about not being able to send e-mails. Most of the people I'm around find the instant access to e-mail more of an annoyance than a necessity. And not only that, if you lived and died by having your e-mail all the time, are you really depending on a cell phone to get those e-mails?

OK. I have to stop saying 'e-mail,' or I will set myself on fire. I might even be serious.

So Bristol Palin isn't quite on her way to having that wholesome marriage after all. Lee Johnston, her baby daddy, is on the talk show circuit talking about how he's never able to really spend time with his child. He even told Tyra Banks (which is kind of like me going to complain about how much I hate my job to my niece) that they had protected sex 'most of the time.' Well, I suppose he now knows the importance of proper protection every time.

(But seriously, you went on TYRA?? Was she REALLY the only person willing to take you on? Was Larry King not available? And you needed to go on a talk show because of what exactly? Are you trying to put yourself back on the market now? And since when did Tyra Banks become a reputable place to give out your side of the story? Oh, that's right...it's NEVER HAPPENED.)

Wow! Two entries in a week! I may be onto something here.

The transistion.

2009-04-05T05:15:00.000-07:00

So I joined the world of Mobile Professionals by getting a laptop. Which (seemingly) means that I'll be able to update more. (Of course, if this PC Mover application ever finishes, maybe I'll actually be 'mobile.') But let's just say that a lack of mobility wasn't really holding me back from posting regularly anyway. Hard to believe it's been well over a month since I last updated. I didn't even get to sweep people up in March Madness! (I burned my bracket after Day 2, thanks for asking.)

With the Garnet and Black (for that other USC/Carolina school) game coming next week, that brings college football season even closer. And yes, I'm well aware that the actual season does not start until September. But that gives me plenty of time to voice my lack of confidence in the direction of the Gamecock football program in general. Let's call this my Rush Limbaugh 'I hope he fails!' moment.

Steve Spurrier was hired in November 2004 as yet another attempt to make South Carolina football relevant again. (Never mind that somebody found the thing relevant anyway, how can a school routinely sell out an 80,250 seat stadium and not be relevant?) Granted, the team had run into yet another maddening cycle of being just good enough to make you want to set yourself on fire. After a total of 17 wins in 2001 and 2002, the team went 5-7 in 2003 and 6-5 in 2004. Not only that, the 2004 season ended with that 'can we not talk about that?' fight with Clemson in the final game of that year (which sadly kept us out of the Aldi Bowl that season). Lou Holtz had seemingly worn out his welcome, and a string of minor violations had finally caught up with the coach who had given the Gamecocks the highest level of success in about two decades. So yes, you have a very good argument for there needing to be a change.

But was The Ole Ball Coach really the way to go? Here's a guy who had won over 100 games during his time at Florida, and taken the Gators from fairly irrelevant (with ugly orange uniforms to match the helmets) to six SEC championships and one national championship. But then, he decided to leave and take a shot at coaching in the NFL. Let's just say that didn't work out so well. He spent 3 years there, doing no better than 7-9 for his first season. Now don't be alarmed, but being a coach in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE (courtesy Ron Jaworski) is quite different than coaching college football. I won't dispute that. So one could say that Papa Steve just wasn't cut out to be an NFL coach. But you could sense a rather...lackadaisical attitude starting to set in. Either way, with the history of the Gamecock football program, maybe a more logical plan would have been to give an opportunity to a coach who did not have such a legendary past instead of someone who obviously was only looking to make himself look good. If he won, this would be just another nugget for how great Spurrier was/is. (I mean, he did win the ACC title at Duke. DUKE.) If he didn't win, then there's the 'well no one can win at South Carolina!' excuse. A no lose situation for the coach. A no win situation for the program. Not really what you want to have.

Obviously, I'm not the one making the decisions here. So, off we went with promises of SEC titles and entering that grand stage of being a 'relevant' football program. At his first public appearance, (which happened to be the same day the SEC Championship took place) he spoke of how his goal was to one day have the Gamecocks playing in Atlanta for the SEC Championship. There was a lot of positive energy created, and most people were certain that once Spurrier was able to get his kind of players in, we would be on our way.

2005
The first real play of the season was that nice slice of pie that was able to whet the appetite just enough. It was a long pass from Blake Mitchell to Noah Whiteside for a 5 million yard touchdown. (OK, maybe it was actually only about 60 yards. But whatever.) I feel like that play alone was the one highlight of the Steve Spurrier Era. It hasn't gotten any better than that. Seriously. While the year itself had its share of highs, (beating Tennessee and Florida, being ranked near the end of the year, first bowl game in three years) there were some signs (getting destroyed by Auburn, blowing a 20+ point lead to Missouri in the Independence Bowl) that we had a long way to go. There were a couple of things to build on. The problem, of course, was actually building on that.

2006
Things didn't look so hot from the start. The starting quarterback (Blake Mitchell) did everything he could to NOT hold on to the starting job. There was the Georgia game where we didn't score at all. But even with a QB that he wasn't quite comfortable with, Papa Steve found a way to make things work. The offense seemed to make just enough plays to get the job done, which was generally the same on the defensive side. Of course, there were the moments that made you want to set yourself on fire (TWO BLOCKED FIELD GOALS AND A BLOCKED EXTRA POINT against Florida come to mind. We lost that game 17-16. I'm gargling lighter fluid as we speak.) In terms of contending for the SEC title, we were still in the middle of the pack. There was the memorable win against Clemson, as well as the emphatic win over Houston in the Liberty Bowl. At last, momentum. Who knew?

2007
At the end of Papa Steve's second year, he was given a contract extension. Not only that, he was given a raise. Mind you, the record during the first 2 years was 14-10. You get a raise for THAT? I argued with a co-worker once that Papa Steve pretty much got a raise for just showing up, and that we were really no better than we were before he arrived. Yes, we had been to two bowl games. But neither bowl was any more impressive than the two Dr. Lou took the Gamecocks to in 2001/2002. I just felt that giving a raise for mediocrity set us up for disaster. Unfortunately, I was able to supplement my argument with the 2007 season. We started off with a bang, even winning at Georgia, to start 6-1. We were ranked #6 in the BCS, and all signs pointed to (if we won out) playing for a national championship in New Orleans.

Let's just say that we just missed out on that opportunity. We lost five straight games, including allowing 99 points over two games to Arkansas and Florida. We also launched the Heisman campaigns for Darren McFadden and Tim Tebow. (No need to thank us, guys. We know you appreciate it.) We finished 6-6, no bowl, lots of embarrassment.

While the losses were hard enough, it was the reaction that seemed the most puzzling. At the beginning of the season, Papa Steve was certain that we were ready to contend for the division title. That got everybody around here absolutely PUMPED. Well, after losses, there was always the excuse of, 'Maybe we're not good enough' or 'We just don't have what it takes to win.' I don't know about you, but that's not what I want to be hearing from the guy I just gave a raise to. Where's the accountability? Why aren't you more angry that we're not contending? What will it take for you to pretend that you care? You're in college football, the players are the same ages, they have the same kind of lives. How are we consistently getting beat the same ways? What are you doing to make us better?

2008
With this past season, I got the answer to my last question. That answer was not much at all. Sure, we won more games than we lost, we beat Tennessee, lost a close game to Georgia, blah blah blah. BUT. There was the not so spectacular finish. A 56-6 loss to Florida. A 31-10 loss to Iowa in the Outback Bowl. More pathetic reasoning and excuses. Not contending for the five thousandth straight year. How's the raise working out now?

An even more troubling sign is the fact that the Gamecocks have not been good on offense. At all. Mind you, this was the thing that Papa Steve is known for. Protecting the quarterback is something that DOES NOT HAPPEN HERE. We haven't had an offense that's ranked in the top half of national statistics in any category. Well, unless there's a category for Stupidity. We'd probably be number 7 there. Something like that.

We're about to enter Year Five of the Steve Spurrier Era. And no, I don't feel any better about the direction we're headed than what I felt back in 2004. My friends, that's not a good thing! And yes, this is one man's opinion. And yes, I was never really a fan of Papa Steve ever. I also may be a little jilted because every time I've taken a day off for watching the Gamecocks, they've lost. So that could make me a little bitter. But, it would be much easier to not be so critical if it seemed like the man cared. Seriously. I must say that we have to be better this year, or it will be time to look in another direction. After five years on the job, it's time to be on the move. Yes, I understand that Florida is the defending national champion, and they are in our division. But shouldn't we be just as good as everybody else? How are we not on the same level as Georgia or Alabama? We have the same playing field. There's no other way to slice it. The end. If there's anyone that thinks otherwise, you're kidding yourself. Seriously.

So if you're now depressed about the state of Gamecock football, then I somewhat apologize. Now you're just like me.

I'm the last naked warrior!!!

2009-02-16T21:44:00.001-08:00

Say what you want about T.O., but clearly (and I mean clearly) he is NOT Charles Haley.

(Someone who loves me made this happen) I got Boys Will Be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty by Jeff Pearlman over the weekend. When the Cowboys were running roughshod through the NFL in the nineties, I was basically a casual sports fan. I had some sort of idea of what was going on, but not enough to really know more than the major players on the popular teams. Suffice to say, even if I was an avid follower of anything at that point, I had no idea the Cowboys got down like THAT. It's such an engaging and hard to put down book. I reccomend it for anyone who pretends to know football. Then you will know what my title is about.

In Other News...
-So Chris Brown says he's sorry and is seeking counseling for his assault incident 2 weeks ago. So are we supposed to just think it's all OK now that he's 'getting help?' I can't imagine that this was the first time he's had an 'explosion' with Rhianna. In abusive relationships, Most bouts of abuse were escalated incidents where he more than likely did other things before. So many celebrities either go to rehab or get counseling when their bad behavior is made public. I think it's all bullshit. I feel like they're only trying to make amends because they 'got caught.' Then again, that pretty much makes them like all of us.

-I have become ridiculously addicted to Guitar Hero. More on that later. As in, in an entirely separate entry. Yes, it's that deep.

-So Michael Phelps is not going to be charged with anything for the infamous photo that surfaced a couple of weeks ago. What kills me about this story is that allegedly, the renters of the house where the party took place said that they weren't at the party. Really. You live at the house where MICHAEL PHELPS IS COMING OVER TO PARTY, and you're not there. Really. Or, whatever.

Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre

2009-02-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

Somewhere, John Madden is crying. While eating a Bloomin Onion and spraying Tinactin everywhere.

So once again, Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre (people get so wrapped up in him, I feel like you can't say his name without actually saying it three times. I'm going to make this easier for me by calling is retiring from football. For one, this gives sportscasters something else to talk about besides the steroid 'scandal' with A-Roid/Rod. Of course, it would help if people actually believed that Favre (x3) is actually gone this time. We all remember his tearful goodbye press conference last year. The SI cover is still on my wall. Then he decided to pull a pump fake on us and come back. Maybe this time, he's actually done for good. Who knows?

I find it way too ironic that I was playing Madden 09 last night with Brett (x3) and the Jets. It was pretty much the best and worst of Brett (x3). My first play from scrimmage was a 20 yard post route that turned into a 70 yard touchdown. My next pass was a 15 yard in route that turned into a (near) touchdown, only for Jericho Crotchery to fumble as he's crossingthe goal line. Then, the 2008 Brett (x3) showed up. I had a TAINT (which is an interception returned for a touchdown---it was run back from the end zone, mind you), five other interceptions, and two fumbles. In other words, typical. Throughout his career, Brett gave, and seemingly seemed to take away soon thereafter. I mean, does it really make sense that a quarterback can set the all-time mark for touchdown passes and interceptions??? Of course, there were things he did well. He did win NFL MVP three times, becoming the first player to do so. He also led the Packers from irrelevant to Super Bowl champions (even going back to the Super Bowl the next year). So this was not just some scrub we're talking about here. Even if he played like one from time to time.

Oh well, it was quite the ride, Brett (x3). Of course, the Jets really have no proven options at quarterback. I think I read on ESPN that New York intends to draft Mark Sanchez (can you really have confidence in a guy whose own coach does not think he's ready?) in the first round. They spent a lot of money on veterans who seemed to tire at the end of the season. They have a new coach who looks to be full of energy, and may not like the team he's given. Oh well...they're opening a new stadium!!!

...In 2010.

I Want This To Be Great.

2009-02-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

Finally...I have come back to the world of blogging.

For the one (me) person that has kept up with my blogging over the years, I never really had a purpose back then. I wanted to just have an outlet to write about things that were near and dear to me. I'd pretty much just end up telling too much about my personal life. That never really creates allies, so I've noticed.

Anyway, my mind is still full of nonsense. Like, why would M.I.A. dress up like a ladybug to perform at the Grammy's last night? And, how come (more than likely) 60 percent of people who have cell phones have never turned them off? Or, if Julius Peppers really wanted to play for a winner, what's so bad about that his current employer...who just so happened to go 12-4 and win the NFC South? I may or may not turn this into a long list of questions. Let's go with the former!

-Why are people really so up in arms about Alex Rodriguez using steroids? Don't we call the mid to late 90s through...right now the Steroid Era in baseball?
-Am I going to get a rebate check this year?
-Do people still care about the NHL?
-Are there other black people who are actually entertained by NASCAR?
-Did Chris Brown beat up Rhianna because she made fun of his dancing?
-(Should I really be so shocked to know that my spell checker considers 'Rhianna' spelled correctly?)
-If you're going to an exotic island for a vacation, why do you 'need' to get your e-mail at all times exactly?
-If your e-mail address is 'iluvmyboocuzhedo69right@hotmail.com,' are you really fooling anyone by saying that's your 'business' address? (Unless your business is adult related---whatever. Even those e-mail addresses would be legit.)
-What if that's actually someone's e-mail address?
-Did Phoenix, Dallas, Detroit, Toronto and Philadelphia really think about...hmmm, I dunno...winning basketball games with the moves they've made?
-Why does Steve Spurrier have a job exactly?
-If I say, 'Call (insert number here)' from your cell phone, should you have to respond with, "Do I need to press 'Send?'?"

So it's with a lot of excitement that I introduce The Blacktooth Files. Of course, the name comes from a guy who I was helping over the phone at work who said his Blacktooth wasn't working. He may or may not have meant 'Bluetooth.' And no, I really don't know what he actually meant. I do want this to be great. Even if it's just a great big turd sandwich that will make you feel better about yourself. Um...that's...at least something great. Right??

Of course, I'm not going to answer all these questions. (We may be onto something if I answer THREE OF THEM.) But I'm hoping that I'll make some things happen. Even if it's just a bunch of loose rambling. Then again, that's pretty much how I do things. I want to try and update every night. Apparently that can be done from my cell phone as well. We sure shall put that claim to the test.