It's moving time, folks!

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. And if you're nice, I'll even carry your shoulder pads!



It is with great sorrow sadness anticipation excitement(??) that I let you know of my move to a "new" blog. The garbage content will be the same, but by moving to WordPress, I'll be able to do more. I think. I'll even hope to update more, but we know how that goes.

So should you decide to "make the move" with me, here's what you'll have to look forward to:

-NFL picks: me vs. The Lady in a battle of, well, who the hell knows.
-The Official Blacktooth Files Fantasy Football league: La Liga de TBF.
-Live blogs galore!
-My fantastic baseball journey wrap-up
-And, um, random musings here and there.

So, thanks for reading so far. And don't stop! Let's hope that I am still worth your time.

Taking a break from my "Free Lindsay Lohan" blog strike

The opinions in this blog are solely those of the owner. But then again, at least my posts won't get pulled by my employer.


OK, to say I've been M.I.A. would be an understatement. To make a long story short, blogging doesn't pay the bills. My days usually consist of wasting time on the Internet, then rushing out of the house to get in a workout before work. So I haven't had time to really write anything worthwhile. Not that any of my writing is worthwhile to begin with. Anyway, consider this my apology. Now, let me catch up on some things mentioned in earlier posts:

-Back in March, I talked about my grand plan to go to a baseball game on every level. Well, I'm down to my last level (AA). I ended up missing out on high school altogether, but I hope to get an American Legion game (they use high school players) before that season ends. Knowing my luck, that's already happened.

Oh well, the point is that once I've gone to those games, I'll do a post. This won't be a recap of every game, (because that would be fucking boring I don't really remember those specifics) but I will have stuff like "best promotion" and "lamest crowd." So, be on the lookout for that.


-Also, I realized a few weeks ago that I've been watching sports for about 20 years now. While this really just makes me an asset during Trivia Night, I've never really thought, "Which moments stood out the most?" Well, in a well thought out effort to blatantly rip off ESPN I'll be doing something I will call "20 for 20." There will be 20 different post; each one will be one of the 20 most important sporting moments of my time as a sports nutso smartypants fanatic. If you're asking, "What are some of these moments?" well...uh, I don't really know them all yet. But I will. Soon. Let's just say that Michael Jordan will likely be prominently involved.

-Finally, I just want to say thanks to my readers. I know that I don't post much, and when I do post, I talk too much I tend to get long winded. But I do try to bring something to the table, and I appreciate you all for taking the time to see what that something is. I have more ideas about other things that I want to do with The Blacktooth Files, so I hope you'll decide to stick around for it.

Attack of the vuvuzelas! Holland vs. Spain, 2nd half`

In case you missed it, here's a recap of the first half.


3:32 pm: Ye gods, we are back in a flash! Soccer seemingly waits for no one.

3:34 pm: So for now, the storm has passed. Which means that we can watch on the big TV. If anything made up my mind to stick with cable, this was it.

3:37 pm: I would have first half analysis, but then I would have to know how soccer actually works.

3:40 pm: By the way, here are my thoughts on the LeBacle.

3:43 pm: I'm all for defense and what have you, but can somebody please score?

3:46 pm: By the way, this game is also available in 3D, on your phone, and on ESPN Radio. Shout out to the crazy guy who paid for a 3DTV knowing that you will only get three channels!

3:49 pm: Best chance to score for the match---and it was missed. Stay of the drugs, Holland!

3:54 pm: Soccer is the beautiful game, alright. The slow mo replays of these guys flopping are certainly things of beauty.

3:57 pm: Shout out to the black Dutch player! He even has a mohawk. Double win!

4:00 pm: One must wonder: Who is actually blowing the vuvuzelas?

4:06 pm: Blogging while boozing: Not for the pansies! Just in case...you were thinking about doing this and all.

4:10 pm: Meanwhile, people in Cleveland are crying right now.

4:13 pm: Univision effectively using the three man booth as well. How about that?!!?

4:17 pm: Looks like we'll be getting some extra time here, folks. Maybe I should put the beer(s) away.

4:21 pm: And I was RIGHT. Overtime, it is! I will explain the rules: Two 15 minute halves. If we're still tied, then it's on to penalty kicks. Five for each team. Let's hope that I know what I'm talking about.

____________________________________________________________________________________

4:26 pm: I suppose that I should have gone to the bathroom during this mini-break, eh?

4:28 pm: What are the chances that I'll see someone do the Macarena if they score a goal?

4:36 pm: A couple of scoring chances. I think. I could probably just say that and you'd believe me anyway, right?

4:38 pm: Everyone in the "important people box" at Soccer City Stadium is asleep right now.

4:42 pm: After 105 minutes, we are still tied. At zero. In the words of my friend Kris Pruette, "both teams are losing right now."

4:44 pm: Just in case you were not aware, this game is EEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN VIVOOOOOOO!!! Thanks, Univision.

4:48 pm: And someone from Holland was ejected. Albeit rather in a shady way. Whatever! I want a goal!

4:51 pm: Anytime you can get the commentators to chuckle in the booth, you have to allow it. Right?

4:56 pm: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ESPANA!!!! Andres Inesta!!!! Feels good to type that, actually.

4:59 pm: Oh my God, Spain might win this thing!

5:03 pm: AND THEY DID!!! The only team to ever win the World Cup after losing their fist game, La Furia Roja takes the 2010 World Cup! 1-0 over The Potheads Holland!!! Congrats!!! WAKE UP FROM YOUR SIESTA!

5:04 pm: No blowjobs for Bobbi Eden's followers, I suppose. Both teams played hard! See you on the blog EN VIVO in 2014!!!

Attack of the vuvuzelas! Spain vs. Holland, 1st half

You know the disclaimer by now. So, there we go!

And we're back! Enough with the pomp and circumstance, let's get it on!

2:27 pm: None of the players from Spain sang along with the national anthem. However, some from Holland did. So we're already giving Holland a bit of an edge.

2:28 pm: Wanna know what can drive a dog crazy? Three vuvuzelas being blown at once.

2:29 pm: The consensus from the ManZone: Holland coaches are dressed to impress. And Spain's coach didn't get the "Cold Coach Loses" memo.

2:30 pm: FIFA sure knows how to start on time. And I APPRECIATE THAT.

2:32 pm: The goal is to time my bathroom breaks with when a player decides to fall and whine on the ground.

2:34 pm: Well, here's some incentive for Holland to win, eh?

2:36 pm: And just like that, a golden chance for the Furious Red! Nice save by Holland's goalie!

2:38 pm: Just show a shot of a shit ton whole lot of people in Amsterdam watching the game on a big screen. One must wonder: What would it have been like if the U.S. had made the final?

2:41 pm: Not sure who was louder, us or the Univision announcers after David Villa's strike went on the side of the goal.

2:44 pm: In another "eternal battle," it's Nike (Holland) vs. Adidas (Spain). Two brands enter. Two brands still get super rich.

2:46 pm: Of all the bad hair here in the World Cup, Carles Puyol takes. The. Cake.

2:48 pm: Maybe Puyol's wife wants to follow his hair lead?

2:59 Epic technical issues going on with our television right now. I can't believe this.

3:06 pm: Eff you, DirecTV. The End.

3:12 pm: So. It's storming here. Which means that satellite is on strike. We may or may not be huddled up in my roommate's room watching the feed on this laptop, hooked up to her TV. Hooray technology!

3:17 pm: Well. In order to live blog, I can't actually "watch" the game right now. Let's hope that this storm blows over in the next 20 minutes.

Attack of the vuvuzelas! World Cup Blog EN VIVO (Spain vs. Holland--pregame)

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. But you'd be wise to feel the same way


After 30 days and a shit ton lots of games, we are finally here. It's the FIFA Copa Mundial, La Gran Final!!! Technically, we're about 45 minutes from the start of the match, we'll break this blog up into three parts. And there I go making promises. Let's get it on!

1:44 pm: We are EN VIVO from the 66.67% ManZone!!! Valid point from The Lady: "I really doubt that Mexicans eat KFC." Well said.

1:45 pm: If you can get Univision on your cable/satellite plan, I suggest you start watching as soon as possible. Mi Pecado is a telenovela (Spanish soap opera) that has the most epic opening sequence in television right now.

1:46 pm: Fernando Fiore looking festive with the purple shirt/tie in the studio! Somehow, they had some Russian looking guy that spoke Spanish. The world is a melting pot indeed.


1:51 pm: Did you know what the official mascot for the 2010 World Cup looked like? Well now you do.

1:54 pm: Our menu here at the Kinda ManZone today: Pizza, beer, margaritas, chips, and spinach dip. So, I will have a "legitimate excuse" for any misspellings or bad grammar.

1:55 pm: Actual game analysis: Spain has only lost two matches in the last year or so. Holland has won 25 in a row. It's a classic case of "something's gotta give!"

1:57 pm: Any time you can get Shakira to sing the opening theme for your sporting event, you have to do it, right? So...move over, Faith Hill!

2:00 pm: I used to have a dream of doing NFL games on CBS with Brett Favre. Now? I want to move to Spain and do soccer games there. Somebody wants an English speaking announcer for their games!!! Right?

2:04 pm: Thanks to the new Verizon Wireless commercicals, people will now think that their phone works ANY AND EVERY WHERE. Thanks, Marketing team!

2:07 pm: I will admit, I even thought aloud that Spain would not have made it this far. This should also show you how much I actually know about soccer.

2:12 pm: More proof that I don't know anything about soccer: I created a bracket group for the World Cup. Guess who didn't win?

2:15 pm: Fernando Fiore is excited about something. But then again, he's usually excited about everything.

2:16 pm: Still trying to figure out when Charles Crews was ever a great action hero. Even Michael Statham.

2:18 pm: In other news, I threw down $25 and got three vuvuzelas. It's going to be pretty loud in the house that (insert name here) built.

2:19 pm: Would have helped to know Spanish for when they just showed off the World Cup trophy just now. I'm guessing that a player from Italy (winners in 2006) was the one showing it off?

2:22 pm: So the players are about to come onto the field. Which means, this is it for the pre-game blog EN VIVO!! Stay tuned, more to come!

Oh, no he DIDN'T! (Obligatory LeBron thoughts)

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. But hey, it's not too terrible to think like me!

I know, I know, everything that could possibly be said about LeBron James' ascension into Hollywood Hulk Hogan status. As a matter of fact, you could probably find every single take on this process. There's mourning, disgust, and even straight up grenades being thrown via Twitter. But, I have yet to read any take on the basketball ramifications of this move. And, well, I'm not really going to give you too many details on that. Anyway, there are some definite winners and losers in this ordeal. Though, they might not seem as obvious as you think.

Winner: Chris Bosh

Let's get one thing straight here: Chris Bosh is not a superstar. As a matter of fact, everything you needed to know about the basketball credentials of the NBA's Predator suddenly proclaimed by many star can be summed up in this tweet. Lots of people are railing on LeBron for tagging along with Dwyane Wade. But don't forget that Bosh is basically doing the same thing. For you NBA watchers, did you ever see a case where the other team had to game plan around stopping Chris Bosh? As a matter of fact, would the casual sports fan even know who Bosh was before this week? I'm going to answer that for you: hell no.

Having said that, you have to believe that Bosh is coming up roses. He goes from Toronto (and a team named the Raptors---let's not debate on how playing basketball in Canada would be depressing enough) to a $100 million contract and tanned, scantily clad women in Miami. And by the way, he gets to play on a team with DWYANE WADE AND LEBRON JAMES. I suppose I would take that over Jose Calderon and Andrea Bargnani any day.

Winner: Stephen A. Smith and Chris Broussard
The former (has a morning show on Fox Sports Radio) is the one person who was adamantly saying that this was going to happen well before it actually did. Of course, since Stephen A. is quite possibly the most polarizing figure in sports media, no one really believed him. But hey, it was worth a shot to even make this up, I suppose. Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks, right? Anyway, now SAS must be believed for everything! OK, maybe that's taking this too far. But still, fortune favors the bold, and Stephen A. was as bold as it gets from the jump.

The latter works for ESPN, and did have the gusto to break the separate stories of Wade and Bosh joining the Heat two days before he broke that James was leaning toward the Heat. Of course, I refuse to believe any story that involves the word "sources," but hey, even a dead watch is right twice in a day. I had to suffer through Broussard's "Well I believe" and "It would make sense if..." statements for way too long, but it seems that this all paid off. Good work, Chris!

Loser: Anyone who watched ESPN this month.
Good God, what would have happened if the World Cup wasn't this year? I get the fact that this was the most talented class of free agents in recent memory. But to say that ESPN went overboard is putting it mildly. Hell, THEY EVEN DISCUSSED LEBRON JAMES ON UNIVISION. UNIVISION IS THE SPANISH LANGUAGE CHANNEL. YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!! And if my memory serves me correctly, the last NBA "superstar" free agent to switch teams and lead that team to a title was...Shaquille O'Neal when he signed with the Lakers. You can look high and dry, but this stuff never really ends well.

But don't tell ESPN that. My God, they even had a "capologist" (Tom Penn) discussing possible salary cap ramifications of supposed moves. My estimate is that about .08 percent of ESPN's viewers gave half a shit about what Tom Penn was saying. This NBA free agency coverage made the Brett Favre watch seem enjoyable.

Loser: The city of Cleveland

I mean, of course, right? Of course, it's easy to burn a jersey. But then again, those puppies run at $70 each, so I wouldn't be so quick to set it ablaze. Anyway, the image that I can't get out of my head is the young blonde girl in a Cavs jersey, holding a beer and crying Thursday night. Of course, ESPN found it necessary to play that clip OVER AND OVER AGAIN. A female at my job just couldn't understand why people would be crying over this.

But hey, I get it. I'm an unabashed sports nutso. As fans, people take ownership of their teams and players. Throughout his entire career, LeBron always talked about how Ohio was the only thing he knew. He had his MVP press conferences in Akron. He has the area code for his hometown tattooed on his arm. For seven years, he was Cleveland. True fans HOLD on to stuff like this. So for him to go on national television and seemingly forget all of this? Le sigh. And if you consider that Cleveland fans have suffered through The Fumble, The Drive, the 97 World Series, and Jordan over Ehlo, I can't say I wouldn't cry either. Hell, my eyes well up when there's a good rendition of the national anthem before a game. I don't know how the Cavs will do this year. But they have the proverbial chip on their shoulders, and they have a solid, proven coach in Byron Scott. I kinda like their chances. Sleeper playoff team, anyone?

Winner: LeBron James
OK, so what if LeBron really isn't who we thought he was (or wanted him to be)? There is a prevailing thought that he's always wanted to be the guy who was just a part of the team, not THE guy on a team. So now he gets that. He can fly around and do the things that make us oooooh and ahhhh, all the while knowing that if necessary, Dwyane Wade gets to carry the team. Also, he gets to somehow avoid any hard questions about why he would leave a team that had the best record in the NBA the last two years. We're not here to talk about the past, right?

Loser: LeBron James
1. Who has a beard that doesn't connect with their mustache?
2. To say that the ESPN special was unnecessary is to tell your boozy friend that shot #12 isn't really needed. Um, no shit, Sherlock.
3. There is no more argument of who the best player in the NBA is. If you're tired of hearing the "Jordan/Kobe wouldn't do this" argument, then too bad. This is as much of a cop out as there could possibly be. Check the previous section: The Cleveland Cavaliers had THE BEST RECORD IN THE LEAGUE THE LAST TWO SEASONS. When things were going, they vanquished foes with ease. If you actually watched when they were eliminated against the Magic and Celtics in consecutive years, you will see that Cleveland lost because they didn't play well enough. That includes LeBron. So you jump out of town because of that? And concede that going to Miami is where you "have the best chance to win multiple championships?" So LeBron, why didn't you just TRY HARDER TO WIN WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE IN CLEVELAND? I will never understand this.
4. I mentioned Hollywood Hulk Hogan at the beginning of this post. The Bash at the Beach moment was when he "officially" went to the dark side. But this happened to be the same time when I actually started to like Hogan the wrestler. Of course, this comes with the disclaimer that nothing in professional wrestling is "real." But it's always refreshing to see when you really find out what an athlete/celebrity/etc. is about. This is what we found about LeBron James. Instead of actually trying to achieve the status of greatness that had seemingly been laid out before him, he decides to piggyback on someone else (and let's be honest, two ball-dominating perimeter players and a Predator solid big guy doesn't exactly equal multiple championships) for a chance at winning. Should we be happy that he's doing whatever it takes to win? No, because THIS ISN'T DOING WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN. Anyway, we've always known that Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant were always about winning. They would throw other people in front of a bus if it meant that they would win a game. We now definitely know that LeBron James is not in that same mold. And that is actually refreshing.

Winner: The Miami Heat

I mean, this one has to be obvious as well, right? Anytime you have the chance to upgrade from Michael Beasley to Chris Bosh, and Quentin Richardson to LeBron James...you HAVE to do it! And better yet, as this article by Brian Windhorst illustrates, this plan may have been in works for quite some time. Even with a rather modest cast of characters around Wade, the Heat won 47 games last year. You can assume that they would win at least ten more with James and Bosh. Also, Heat road games are suddenly the hottest ticket in town, so even opposing teams will get a boost from this. Now for additional basketball ramifications...you'll have to wait until we're closer to the season for that. Also, I really have no idea how this will turn out basketball-wise.

Of course, if you start to think about the fact that the Lakers (you know, the team who won the title) and Celtics (you know, the team that the Lakers beat to win the title) will be returning every major piece, and that the Chicago Bulls are adding pieces that actually complement each other, maybe all this talk of the Miami Heat being the team to beat will be all for naught (and no, I'm not buying Derek Fisher to Miami--child, please).

Thanks for reading through this, folks. I'll be back with lots of other posts to help you pass the time on the Internet! I think.

World Cup EN VIVO: USA-Ghana (Second Half)

Welcome back! For those of you who missed the first half, here's a recap: Ghana is really fast. Also, here's the post where I say a little more.

3:33 pm: And we're back with a flourish! I didn't even have time to stretch my tired fingers.

3:34 pm: Right off the bat, the U.S. had two nice scoring chances. I'll let you guess how they turned out.

3:35 pm: This move to Univision may be working against me. However, I do have whistle to annoy the hell blow whenever the U.S. decides to give a damn scores a goal.

3:38 pm: Both teams doing their best to wear out the wall...behind the goal. This ain't Rock n Jock, kids!

3:39 pm: Hate to wonder this, but: is Landon Donovan thinking that he may want to become a citizen of Brazil? Just so, you know, he could be on a team of good players?

3:42 pm: Hey now Prince, your neck tattoo doesn't give you the right to just taunt! OK, maybe it does.

3:45 pm: The officials must be choking at this point since they've been clearly swallowing their whistles.

3:46 pm: You know it's a foul when both Univision guys are like: "Aiye yie yie!" when viewing the replay.

3:48 pm: Penalty kick by Landon Donovan for the GOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL. Finally got to blow the whistle! And WE ARE TIED.

3:51 pm: I'm going to rate that GOOOOOOLLLL call at an 8 on the just created Catch Phrase scale. 1 is Joe Buck. Ten is Gus Johnson. Usually, the Univision guys are averaging about a 12.

3:54 pm: Tim Howard is good for something, it seems. And Clint Dempsey has turned into Anderson Varajeo.

3:56 pm: Richard Kingson must have read my dig at him for not being able to build harpsichords by hand. The guy has been great.

3:57 pm: Commentary from the girlfriend: the players have four shadows on the field! And she is RIGHT.

4:02 pm: I know you want to get every shot of the action Univision, but I'd rather not see a close up of Kevin Prince Boateng's thigh.

4:08 pm: It seems like EVERYTHING has a microphone on it here. I'm surprised I haven't heard a fart on TV yet.

4:12 pm: Seems like Jozy Altidore has been near the ball and goal all game. I need a magical moment from an AFRICAN AMERICAN in this World Cup!

4:15 pm: Things that would be cool: Tim Howard dropping the People's Elbow on the Ghana guy lying on the ground.

4:17 pm: It's kind of sad to think about how much I enjoyed viewing that link.

4:22 pm: Of course, this game goes into overtime. This means FREE BLOG EN VIVO for you!!

4:24 pm: While this game has been...entertaining(?), this really has nothing on Mexico-Argentina and Portugal-Spain. Well, at least that's what Univision will have you think.

4:26 pm: I would explain the OT rules here, but uh, I have no clue what they are.

4:28 pm: GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL by Ghana. And hands down, the best celebration dance I have ever seen. So it was worth it!

4:32 pm: So this is the largest sporting even in the world, and they can't get a real stretcher if necessary?

4:36 pm: Well, while most people may stop caring about soccer after this, I vow to still blog EN VIVO until this bad boy is over.

4:42 pm: So there's another OT period???? These guys are wearing me out.

4:46 pm: Man of the Match: Richard Kingson. Pretty sure that's got to be the consensus.

4:48 pm: Commentary from the dog: "Is it time for dinner yet?"

4:51 pm: While most of Twitter is complaining of the Ghana players "stalling," I'm sure none of them had a problem with the USA stalling big time after scoring the goal against Algeria.

4:52 pm: But hey, we can do what we want and blame somebody else later...right?

4:54 pm: Well I suppose if ever there was a time for a magical moment, now would be it.

5:00 pm: Hard for me to to blog EN VIVO while sobbing at the same time. Wait a minute...

5:01 pm: So that's it. They're exchanging shirts, and Ghana WINS 2-1. Thanks for reading, folks.

GOOOOOLLLL!!! World Cup Blog EN VIVO: USA vs. Ghana

For you first time readers, please be advised that the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. However, they may be endorsed by this guy



And we are EN VIVO at the 66.67% ManZone! It's the USA vs. Ghana in a "win or go home" Round of 16 game at the World Cup. Without further ado, let's get it on!

2:26 pm: The Star Spangled Banner never fails to get me fired up. Though I have to think that the players not singing along just don't know the words.

2:27 pm: Your Univision broadcast team today is Jorge Perez-Navarro and Jose Luis Chilavert. Probably the first time I remember two announcers with three names!

2:28 pm: The goalie for Ghana is Richard Kingson. I wonder: can he make harpsichords by hand?

2:30 pm: And we're off! I guess. Ghana in red with yellow stripes, the U.S. rocking all white. Which is ironic, since this country is full of sluts.

2:34 pm: Tim Howard sure does a lot of yelling at his teammates. I suppose as long as your name is not "Terrell Owens," that's OK.

2:35 pm: For all that yelling, he sure likes to ALLOW GOALS. GOOOOOLLLLLL GHANA. Kevin Prince-Boateng. More guys with three names!

2:38 pm: Unfortunately, I can't find a picture. But Prince does have a neck tattoo. I thought it was illegal to play soccer if you had one of those?

2:39 pm: In the "o ye of little faith" department, the masses on Twitter are already playing the blame game. I'd like to blame....Ryan Seacrest. It just feels right.

2:41 pm: Bill Clinton and Mick Jagger chumming it up. I suppose there aren't any women for Bill to prey on. For now.

2:43 pm: Random, somewhat relevant tweet: "Oh, and huge props to Shana's uniforms. It's hard to pull of red and yellow since McDonald's kind of ruined it for everybody." From @bruce_arthur

2:46 pm: Seems that Bob Bradley has yet to be informed of the "cold coach loses" theory. He'll learn.

2:49 pm: Quick question: Has the U.S. even had the ball yet? Is the plan to "let Ghana get tired and then, BAM"? As a fan of South Carolina football, let me tell you that this plan does not work.

2:52 pm: A couple of chances there in the "Ghana box" for the U.S. So, um, that's promising, no?

2:57 pm: I may or may not be fighting off a nap here. Let it be known now: Soccer is not the easiest thing to keep up with.

2:59 pm: Also participating in this blog EN VIVO: My girlfriend and the world's greatest dog. The latter of which you can follow on Twitter. Yes, you read that correctly.

3:01 pm: Good God, is that Maurice Edu's music?!!? IT CAN'T---oh wait, just vuvuzelas.

3:04 pm: I go to get something to drink, and the U.S. gets two scoring chances?!!? Maybe this blog should be done from the kitchen?

3:08 pm: They have mentioned Richard Kingson's name often. At least he's had to break a sweat, I reckon.

3:10 pm: Is it still manly to say that these slow motion replays are...breathtaking?

3:15 pm: This may just be from lack of understanding, but it sure seems like these guys like to fall all over the place.

3:16 pm: First half over. Ghana is up 1-0. My girlfriend may or may not be snoring away right now, and I think the dog ran away. But hey, soccer is CAPTIVATING AMERICA!

World Cup Blog EN VIVO---2nd half

Live blog back in full effect! For those of you that missed the first half shenanigans, click here.


11:03 am: And we are BACK. I've made the executive decision to turn the game to Univision. That's got to help the cause, right?

11:04 am: AND I AM VINDICATED. The announcer just yelled GOAL for about 20 minutes. Still keeping my order for the Slovenia jersey though.

11:05 am: I think this settles it. I'm watching the rest of the tournament on Univision. Can I get them to do SEC football?

11:09 am: I think I'm better off not knowing what the announcers are saying anyway. That way, I won't find it necessary to vehemently disagree with whatever they happen to be saying.

11:12 am: The U.S. players seem to be energetic on defense. Maybe they realize I turned the game to Univision?

11:13 am: Random relevant tweet: "Tebow must have delivered halftime speech, huh?" (via @Mark_Schlabach)

11:17 am: I have yet to master the talking on the phone + blogging EN VIVO + watching a soccer match equation. It can't be impossible, right?

11:20 am: Tim Howard! Making plays that no one will care about later.

11:21 am: Basketball coaches would never be able to handle themselves in soccer. They couldn't bear the thought of not having ANY timeouts.

11:22 am: Univision just tried to do some wacky 360 something, and there was a shot of a...video game? Um, nice attempt though, I guess.

11:24 am: For those of you who like the reporters who ask the tough questions, you may enjoy this piece.

11:25 am: Fashion analysis: None of the Slovenia players have hair as good as this guy.

11:28 am: Is my mind playing tricks on me, or did Bob Bradley have on a blue winter coat in the first half? Because I'm pretty sure he's wearing black now.

11:31 am: Maybe it's commonplace to plead your case to the officials in soccer? MAN UP AND PLAY THE GAME.

11:32 am: No no no no no! You can't be taking down Landon Donovan like that!

11:33 am: Did you know that Donovan is divorced? I suppose that makes him a real American. Take that, Glenn Beck!

11:35 am: I just want you all to know that I turned down some time at the pool to do this blog EN VIVO. Which tells you that...I'm really an idiot sometimes.

11:37 am: As predicted(?) by @TheBigLead, Gomez comes in for the defender with the beard. I'm tired of having to spell difficult names.

11:38 am: THE COACH'S SON WITH A GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! BRRRRRAAAADDDDLLLLLEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Univision. Where amazing happens.

11:42 am: The GOOOOOOLLLLL that wasn't. Offsides?!!? Once again, the black man is held down in South Africa. Le sigh.

11:44 am: I think the Univision play by play guy is disappointed that he didn't get to say "GOOOOLLLL" for yet another half hour.

11:47 am: Three minutes of stoppage time. WHO WANTS IT MORE?

11:50 am: Fittingly, a Slovenia player goes into labor to try and milk more of the clock. Um, thanks.

11:51 am: Jozy Altidore with the Angry Black Man trick for good measure, I guess. Hey now, that won't work in these parts!

11:53 am: I'll end this with a random relevant tweet: "It's cool they let Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm ref in the World Cup." (via @langwhitaker)

And that will do it! A 2-2 tie. The U.S. is still on a wing and a prayer to get into the second round. Meanwhile, I'm jamming to the Univision music! I ended up enjoying myself. We'll see you again next Friday!

GGGOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!! World Cup Blog (EN VIVO!)---1st half

As always, these opinions are only those of the author. I'm not sure why I even find this disclaimer important


We are back! I want to say that I can make this a Friday thing during the World Cup, but I'm not one to make promises that I can't keep. It's USA vs. Slovenia, a precious three points at stake. Let's get it on!

9:54 am: We are here at the 66.67% ManZone EEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVOOOOOOO!!!!!

9:55 am: Is it too ambitious to want to learn the words to every participating country's national anthem?

9:57 am: I'm sure someone from the Tea Party is on Fox News saying that the US soccer players who did not sing along to the Star Spangled Banner are not TRUE patriots. Bah humbug!

9:58 am: Do you realize that there actually could have been a Confederate nation in the World Cup? Giving another nation a crest of stars and bars?!!?

9:59 am: For those of you "following" at home, the USA is in blue, Slovenia in white. Also, the ESPN announcers will likely lick our balls all morning. Fair enough!

10:01 am: Clint Dempsey channeling his inner Dwight Howard with the "unintentional" elbow. I'm no soccer expert, but that. Was. Dirty.

10:04 am: While most people may want to mute the TV to not hear the vuvuzelas, I tend to turn my TV all the way up in order to "hear them better."

10:05 am: "What the United States would give for an early goal here..." Hmmm, maybe free iPhones to the other team?

10:07 am: I beg to differ, ESPN. Now that it's legal, the U.S. actually would love to "come from behind." Wait, wrong reference?

10:12 am: Relevant random tweet: The Charlie Brown-inspired #SVN shirts have been noted. Wonder, when their coach yells at them, if it sounds like "Wah wah wah wah wah"? (from @thefarmerjones)

10:13 am: Great goalie work by Tim Ho---wait. Le sigh. GOOOOOOOAALLLLL Slovenia! Up 1-0. Now everyone here hates soccer again.

10:14 am: My sources just informed me that Mark Cuban is trying to do a goalie swap between the US and Slovenia. I'm thinking that he can't quite do that.

10:15 am: ESPN commentators already looking ahead, saying that the US team may need to hope for a draw between England and Algeria! Whoa there, tiger! We're the knee jerk people here!

10:19 am: In terms of geography, you could fit 485 Slovenias into one United States. The Arizona police would have a field day!

10:21 am: Alright! Tim Howard is actually in goal. Nice of you to show up, man.

10:23 am: By the way, congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers winning the NBA championship! No matter what they say though, the Lakers are not actually world champions.

10:24 am: The win by the Lakers totally makes up for the Galaxy not winning the MLS Cup.

10:26 am: I've just been informed that no one actually watches the MLS. Oh well, now I know.

10:27 am: A quiet stroll through Twitter shows that people are already looking to the 2014 Cup. We're a forward thinking country, folks.

10:30 am: I'm not trying to be a turncoat, but I think I'd look pretty good in this!

10:31 am: An unofficial rule: Cold coach=team that loses. Slovenia's coach is in a light jacket. Bob Bradley (U.S. coach) has a full fledged snow coat on. Uh oh. Somebody get Bradley a lighter jacket ASAP!

10:34 am: Actual commentary from the roommate: "At least the commentator knows what the fuck to do!" and "We just look slower!" Sometimes, it's that simple.

10:36 am: Two great chances just missed by the U.S. At least they're still trying?

10:38 am: Just took turns butchering Radosavljevic with my roommate. And the ESPN announcers.

10:41 am: GOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLL SLOVENIA! Whatever. I'm buying a jersey now. I'm also taking the Slovenian goal dance to the clubs of Columbia.

10:45 am: Rush Limbaugh is blaming this on Barack Obama. And you know what? SO AM I.

10:47 am: And yet, the vuvuzelas play on. I knew they'd never let me down!

10:48 am: Halftime in Johannesburg. Should I even blog EN VIVO for the second half?

GOOOOOAAAALLLL!!! (World Cup LIVE-2nd half)

11:07 am: I didn't even get a chance to use the bathroom! Soccer moves too fast for me!

11:08 am: Welcome back to the 66.67% ManZone for the opening match of the World Cup! If you missed anything, here's a recap of the first half.

11:09 am: For those of you just joining us, Mexico pretty much dominated the first half. However, since there were no goals* scored, we're all tied at nil.

*The no goal was highly disputed since video evidence showed that C Valdez was not offsides. Damn you, technology!

11:11 am: You would have to think at some point, the South African fans would get tired of blowing those vuvuzelas.

11:12 am: ESPN's play-by-play guy throwing out "I saw the Mexicans play in England at Wembley earlier this year..." like we should know what he's talking about! Thankfully, that's what I'm here for.

11:16 am: For those of you wondering, it's currently 5:16 pm in Soccer City. In other words, they're in the HEART of Happy Hour!

11:17 am: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL South Africa! Siphiwe Tshabalala!!!! And...did they just do the Macarena?

11:20 am: Suddenly feeling great about picking South Africa to make it out of the group stage in my bracket!!

11:22 am: FanTAStic hand save, and a beauty by Zhune!

11:23 am: By the way, this game is also available in ESPN 3D. Hope you're enjoying the game on your expensive TV while wearing your funky glasses, wherever you are.

11:26 am: Fortunately, it kind of sounds like they're pronouncing the goal scorer's name as "Tralalala." Which brings this classic song to mind.

11:32 am: Actual soccer analysis: It's obvious that South Africa is just a second half team! Of course!

11:34 am: Oh wait, I don't hear the vuvuzelas anymore! Oh wait...I muted the TV.

11:36 am: Via Facebook Chat, a reader is always blaming the refs. Sounds like a Laker fan! (Too soon?)

11:40 am: Speaking of the NBA, here's a quote from last night's hero: "When you're in the moment, you're in the moment. So whether I slobber, snot, spit...please excuse me." Um...thanks, Glen Davis?

11:40 am: GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL Mexico!!!! Rafa Marquez! 1-1 now! And no more vuvzelas! Piggyback rides FOR THE WIN!

11:41 am: We're 81 minutes in, and NOW WE HAVE D-R-A-M-A.

11:44 am: Vice President Joe Biden is IN THE BUILDING. Apparently, the World Cup is also a big fucking deal for him.

11:46 am: Fun facts: This is the 19th World Cup ever. And it's still the world's most watched sporting event. Take that, Super Bowl!

11:50 am: Play-by-play guy just used the term "party poopers" to describe Mexico.

11:51 am: Well, "killer" for South Africa just killed...the post. Le sigh.

11:55 am: And we end in a tie. The host nation has never lost the opening game. And that tradition continues. Meanwhile, Jim Nantz and Peter King are screaming for overtime.

11:56 am: What a whirlwind game! Seems like the game picked up quite a bit toward the end. Lots of noise, piggyback rides and cheesy dances. I couldn't be more pleased.

Thanks for reading this LIVE blog! This was pretty fun. I'll have to see about doing a few more of these throughout the tournament. Until next time, folks!

GOOOOOOALLLLLLLLL!!! (World Cup LIVE Blog)

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. Let's be honest, do you really want to think like me anyway?

I've always, always, always (times 43) wanted to do a a live blog. Well, what better time than the first ever World Cup on the African continent? Obviously, this is a dry run. I do hope that you don't actually try to fact check any of the stuff I will say for the next 45ish minutes. Anyway, in the words of Mills Lane, "Let's get it on!"

All times EST

10:01 am: We are LIVE from the 66.67% ManZone! It's mid-winter in South Africa. And I guarantee that none of these guys will be complaining about the weather. (This justifies the NFL doing the Super Bowl in New York*)

*Just keep in mind that the game is actually in New Jersey. Which is a problem

10:03 am: Quick recap of the opening ceremonies: Some guy at a microphone saying, "Blah blah blah blah South Africa!" And the crowd cheered.

10:05 am: And away we go! Here's hoping that fellow blogger Katie Williams is able to watch the game on ESPN 3 at work!

10:08 am: Live blogging is hard! Mexico may be used to high altitudes and large crowds, but are they used to the really annoying horn the fans are blowing? I know I'm already frazzled.

10:09 am: I think having foreign announcers makes it just feel more epic. Maybe they should try this for the WNBA...

10:13 am: For those of you wondering what FIFA stands for, it's the International Federation of Association Football. Which just sounds dumb. Disclaimer!

10:15 am: Mexico rocking the festive(?) all black uniforms. Perhaps they don't know how this never worked out for these guys. I'm not bitter.

10:17 am: And now, my roommate brings some Twilight commentary: "Bella is the anti-vampire." This commentary brought to you by Geico!

10:18 am: "The officials are trigger happy..." But they only hold the card up in the air?

10:21 am: You may be disappointed to know that the vuvuzela noise will not. Die. Down. At. All.

10:22 am: I've discovered that it's nearly impossible to read the lips of these guys when they're arguing. So I will just go with this commentary: "CURSES TO YOUR MOTHER!"

10:24 am: One saving grace for soccer: The game clock continues to run. No timeouts, even TV ones (until the half ends). You can't begin to understand how amazing this is.

10:30 am: Am I wrong for rooting for Mexico since their coach is dressed to the nines? Should I even disclose this information on this live blog?

10:35 am: I suppose this is a win for Verizon Wireless: The game on my phone is "more" live than it is on the TV. Droid does on the nation's largest 3G network! (I should stop being such a homer)

10:38 am: More commentary from the roommate: "It's nice to know that there's a 12 year old and a 48 year old on the team." Very well then.

10:39 am: Some actual soccer analysis: Scoring chances at the 35 minute mark look a little something like this:

Mexico-58765

South Africa-3

(Tim McCarver would say that this is a little one sided, but just barely)

10:42 am: First official creepy lick of the lips by a South African player. At the 38 minute mark! Now we're gettin raunchy.

10:43 am: A GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL that wasn't. Mexican player (C. Vela) called offsides. But the replay shows that he wasn't! Hooray conspiracy!

10:45 am: The announcers are even classy when criticizing the officials. Take that, Hawk Harrelson!

10:47 am: Off the cuff analysis: I bet the South African guy would have scored...if he didn't have a mohawk. (Burn!)

10:51 am: Ye gods, this first half just BLEW by! And there were no A-Team promos. We're already making the world a better place!

And THAT is the END of the first half! Stay tuned for Part 2 of the LIVE World Cup Blog from the 66.67% ManZone!!

Dear LeBron

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. But then again, it's not like I'm going to chase you down or anything if you happen to "borrow" my ideas.

Dear Mr. James,

First of all, I would like to apologize. On behalf of the people at Nike, Sports Illustrated, the countless people who only refer to you as "King James," and people who are even compelled to get a little...sacrilegious , I am sorry. You are not a king. You're a great basketball player. That Nike video? That was your rookie season. You've done some things we've never seen before, so of course that's worth getting excited about. But...we all may have jumped the gun just a little bit.

Is this part of the problem? Yes. The bar has been raised incredibly high for you. And hey, why not? Somebody has to be considered the best. That's one of the beauties of sports. We have to debate something. And for the most part, you have delivered:

-Back to back MVP awards
-Making people justify paying $160 for horrendous looking shoes
-Coming out of nowhere to get to the NBA Finals in 2007.
-Having no regard for human life whenever you feel like it.
-Making countless people feel justified to make the "LeBron is better than Kobe" argument.

Of course, since this is such a "what have you done for me lately?" world, the accolades I listed above are so last season. I'm surprised Keith Olbermann didn't have you down as the "Worst Person In The World." People were scrambling for reasons for your demise. (I know you may not pay attention to the media, but that's what I'm here for!) Charles Barkley was "100% disappointed." John Hollinger was convinced that your elbow is a lot more hurt than you're letting on. Adrian Wojnarowski feels like you don't care enough. My mom feels like you've fallen out of love with your first love (Jesus Christ). OK, so I made the last one up. Still, everyone has an opinion on this. They're convinced that the season is lost, you've disappointed once again, and you're ready to run out of Cleveland (adding to their many years of suffering).

As I'm sure you are aware of, Game 6 is this evening. If you are who we thought you were, isn't this the game that you simply eviscerate the Celtics? If you want to become a global icon, isn't tonight your shining moment? The Celtics should have no chance, right? Drew Carey was on ESPN2 this morning, for crying out loud! I'm sure you realize that the Cleveland bandwagon is...a little empty at this time. We've been treated to an unprecedented level of sports greatness over the past two or three years (Roger Federer, Jimmie Johnson, the Yankees winning again, Drew Brees going bananas at the Super Bowl, etc.). You're ready to add your name to that list, aren't you?

Now, the chances that you actually read this letter are rather slim. And it's not like you actually need some sort of pep talk. But if there was ever a time to justify all the fawning over and hyperbole you've received, then I would have to believe that the time is now. Besides, do you really want to make people in Cleveland count down to when the Browns begin the season?

Sincerely,
Jordy McKever
creator of The Blacktooth Files