Dear LeBron

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. But then again, it's not like I'm going to chase you down or anything if you happen to "borrow" my ideas.

Dear Mr. James,

First of all, I would like to apologize. On behalf of the people at Nike, Sports Illustrated, the countless people who only refer to you as "King James," and people who are even compelled to get a little...sacrilegious , I am sorry. You are not a king. You're a great basketball player. That Nike video? That was your rookie season. You've done some things we've never seen before, so of course that's worth getting excited about. But...we all may have jumped the gun just a little bit.

Is this part of the problem? Yes. The bar has been raised incredibly high for you. And hey, why not? Somebody has to be considered the best. That's one of the beauties of sports. We have to debate something. And for the most part, you have delivered:

-Back to back MVP awards
-Making people justify paying $160 for horrendous looking shoes
-Coming out of nowhere to get to the NBA Finals in 2007.
-Having no regard for human life whenever you feel like it.
-Making countless people feel justified to make the "LeBron is better than Kobe" argument.

Of course, since this is such a "what have you done for me lately?" world, the accolades I listed above are so last season. I'm surprised Keith Olbermann didn't have you down as the "Worst Person In The World." People were scrambling for reasons for your demise. (I know you may not pay attention to the media, but that's what I'm here for!) Charles Barkley was "100% disappointed." John Hollinger was convinced that your elbow is a lot more hurt than you're letting on. Adrian Wojnarowski feels like you don't care enough. My mom feels like you've fallen out of love with your first love (Jesus Christ). OK, so I made the last one up. Still, everyone has an opinion on this. They're convinced that the season is lost, you've disappointed once again, and you're ready to run out of Cleveland (adding to their many years of suffering).

As I'm sure you are aware of, Game 6 is this evening. If you are who we thought you were, isn't this the game that you simply eviscerate the Celtics? If you want to become a global icon, isn't tonight your shining moment? The Celtics should have no chance, right? Drew Carey was on ESPN2 this morning, for crying out loud! I'm sure you realize that the Cleveland bandwagon is...a little empty at this time. We've been treated to an unprecedented level of sports greatness over the past two or three years (Roger Federer, Jimmie Johnson, the Yankees winning again, Drew Brees going bananas at the Super Bowl, etc.). You're ready to add your name to that list, aren't you?

Now, the chances that you actually read this letter are rather slim. And it's not like you actually need some sort of pep talk. But if there was ever a time to justify all the fawning over and hyperbole you've received, then I would have to believe that the time is now. Besides, do you really want to make people in Cleveland count down to when the Browns begin the season?

Sincerely,
Jordy McKever
creator of The Blacktooth Files

I Want to Pump You Up!

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. I'm pretty sure that these opinions will not be shared by this guy.

I don't really know if saying "I like to work out" really does it justice. I would say that I got "serious" about things sometime during my second senior year of college. I was pretty much a fatass a little on the plump side, which didn't help with my blood pressure problems. Fortunately, the combination of a nice gym and a friend who shared my zest for fitness, I was on my way. I really think that since I love sports so much, working out gives me that idea that I'm actually athletic. This idea quickly evaporates any time I set foot on a basketball court.

Now, in no way do I think I'm some sort of expert. I do too many "non healthy things" (does the phrase "I ate $14 dollars worth of Arby's in one sitting" mean anything to you?) that really disqualifies me from giving any sound advice. But I spend enough time at the gym, and have done enough moderately healthy eating/ running/lifting/kickboxing/Zumba (yeah I said it)/workout videos to have a pretty good idea on what not to do when it comes to looking like an Amazon man not being a lardass (at least all of the time). I suppose I will title this "Things I Love, Like, Get Annoyed By, and Absolutely Despise About Fitness." Hope you won't fall asleep while reading enjoy!

I get annoyed by people who have a laundry list of excuses. Now, you could say that most people in general are full of excuses. But oh, when it comes to working out, they are one of a kind:
"I just don't have time!" (24 hours in a day...you really have no time?)
"I need a partner to motivate me."
"I just don't like to get all sweaty."
"Who wants to work out when the world is going to end in 2012 anyway?"
"I'm so busy with (insert thing that you're not THAT busy with anyway here)"
"I'd rather just do an impossible diet where I starve myself and eliminate important nutrients, then gain the weight back and do it again! It's like a cycle of violence!"
"It's (insert president/politician/political party here) fault!"
OK, maybe no one has used the 2012 excuse, but I'm sure they would find some sympathy if they did! I probably should disclose that I hate any type of excuse for pretty much every situation. But still, being active can't be that impossible...right?

I like the idea of having a gym partner. I can't say that I "love" having a gym partner, because I am perfectly content with putting on my headphones, turning up my iPod*, and digging in. But it is nice to have someone to have the occasional conversation with, and to know that you're not the only one struggling pushing through the workout. Also, what if you slip and fall? Won't have to worry about a stranger helping you up. Now, if you knock your partner over? Well, um...

*I may be getting ahead of myself, but shouldn't the iPod be the greatest invention of our/my generation? Do you realize that you can listen to all of your music on these things? Also, want to be anti-social? Just pop in your iPod; we'll all understand! Can I get a "How Stuff Works" episode on the iPod? I can't possibly be the only person that feel this way..

I love running. I know, I know. That's a pretty blanket statement, and I don't know if I could really make running sound as epic/worthwhile as done here. But I've been making myself seriously running since I got some too damn expensive new running shoes in February. Now, it helps to have shoes that feel good. But I also invested in the Nike+ sensor to track my distance and time on my iPod. I've gone over 114 miles in a little under three months, and I (think I) get better and better each time. I'm even planning on doing a 5k next Saturday (I should probably put this in my calendar). Hopefully all this running will actually pay off, and I won't look like a dumbass.

I despise the constant talkers at the gym. I also despise people who are yapping away on their cell phone, but not as much as the constant talkers. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME; CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BARELY ABLE TO BREATHE...AND I'M NOT EVEN TALKING??!!?? I'm OK for the random conversations, but if I have to stop to talk to about sports/work/other stupid things that don't involve me working out, then I don't want to have that conversation. Is that too much to ask?

I like switching up my workout routine every now and then. Right now, my workout "flavor of the moment" goes a little like this: Push ups, (since April 1, I have done a push up per day, adding a push up for each day---right now I'm at 42) either the Insanity workout or running, then "Jordy Abs" (random ab exercises designed to make me throw up tone the midsection). But I've done some of everything, from staying too long on the elliptical to P90X. I suppose it's good to switch things up from time to time. I mean, that's what they say works for relationships too, right?

I get annoyed by the Health Police. I don't know if these people actually exist. But I like to think that the Health Police are people who:
1. Do one of those lame starvation diets, then spend all their time telling you how they know it will work "because my sister's co-worker's poolboy's cousin did it and lost 30 pounds in four days."
2. Spend time telling you the calorie content of stuff at fast food places/restaurants. (Hey, wanna know why I know a Monster Burger is already unhealthy? BECAUSE IT'S CALLED A MONSTER BURGER!)
3. Find it necessary to point out your unhealthy habits. Examples: "Ugh, it's not smart to eat so late" and "Are you trying to gain weight? Because that's what will happen when you eat peanut butter!!"
4. Read some fitness story off a website and take it as gospel.
We all know these people exist. But, like the IRS, that doesn't mean we have to like them! I just find it extra annoying when these people feel like it's their duty to give you this information too. Just shut up already!

I despise the seasonal fit people. You know them.
My New Year's Resolution is to get fit! Let's get that gym membership!
I'm definitely starting my diet tomorrow! (then gobbles up a Double Down)
Gotta get my body right for the beach!
The main reason I despise these people is because they get in my way at the gym. Now, I don't want to say that you can't have fitness goals. Personally, other than the feeling of athleticism that working out gives me, I know that being fit keeps the man boobs/diabetes/out of control blood pressure out of the way. but if you're only looking to achieve a goal for a specific event/time of season, then what's the motivation to maintain that? Sure, you will likely appreciate the hard work and want to keep working on that, but that's not something to necessarily count on. Do I have a remedy for this sort of thing? Of course not! Did you think this was an advice blog?

So, there you have it. I won't really call this some sort of gospel, but I think that these are all situations that most people are familiar with. I don't feel like any of this stuff is going to change, (sadly) but hey, at least this gives me something to write about!

My sports study guide.

The opinions in this post are only those of the author. And...maybe Terrell Owens. At least...it should be that way.

Do things look a little different? That's right, TBF is all new! You may be able to smell the fresh paint as you read this blog.
(OK, if you really are smelling fresh paint, your next stop should probably be the emergency room) The black layout is a bit depressing. I couldn't have been the only one with thoughts of suicide after reading my entry about baseball. (And no, that wasn't the goal!) Hopefully the new look will be comforting to you as you read. I'm feeling warm already.

So, I happen to know a lot about sports. I don't say this to gloat; being a sports nerd is not something that you can just stumble upon (Well, technically, you could just stumble on the Internet and find every Super Bowl winner since the first one). The truth is, even though I know a good bit of historical stuff, there's always new stuff to keep me on my toes.

What's that? You want to know what I use to keep up? Sure, I'll tell ya!

If you ever want to know stuff like, "Why in the world would someone ask Dez Byrant if his mother was a prostitute? Or "should Dwyane Wade stay in Miami?" instead of waiting for me to blog about it, (not gonna happen, folks) I figured I could give you some of the sites that I use for keeping fresh with the sports world. I have a feeling you'll be thanking me lady. And, don't worry, I will never lead you to places like this.

ESPN
OK, this one is a little too easy. But how can you pass up a site that refers to itself as The Worldwide Leader in sports? Of course, you can get all your scores and highlights. There's also plenty of sports satire, from The Sports Guy to Tuesday Morning Quarterback (hot during NFL season).
If you're looking to really get your nerd on, you can get premium content by being an Insider (you can even get a magazine subscription out of it!). Of course, I'm not suggesting that you actually pay money; there's plenty of free content to whet your appetite.

Sports Blogs
I don't really consider this to be much of a "sports" blog, especially considering that I wrote about American Idol in great length last year. Anyway, it's nice to see that there are people around who are willing to take athletes/networks/important sports people to task, even if most of the stuff is of TMZ variety. The site I check on a regular basis is The Big Lead, but Sports by Brooks seems to have some legitimate information every now and then as well. Of course, there is also Deadspin, but I'm really not much of a fan. But. It's still a sports blog.

All Things Football
I may or may not be grossly attached to football. Actually, it is a bit sad. But hey, this blog isn't really ABOUT me. Anyway, there are plenty of sites geared to helping you increase your football IQ. If you are particular to college, advanced statistics, or insight into college and NFL, then there's definitely a site for you. While the fun really picks up during football season, it doesn't hurt to stay abreast during the off-season, even if your goal is simply to impress/annoy your friends at the bar.

Obviously, this is a very small sample of what's available on the Internet when it comes to sports. But, if the goal is to actually know what you're talking about instead of sounding like a know it all because you can use phrases like PECTOA and UZR, then you can't go wrong with the sites mentioned above. So, soak it all in and enjoy!

I'm all grown up. Now what?

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. And, well, probably your mother.

I feel like I always have to apologize for not posting much. Of course, there's really no need to actually apologize; I'm a grown man, and I can do what I want. Still, two entries per month is just not enough. I do have lots of things to say, but I usually run into problems like:

1. Wasting time: I always, always, always waste time. I usually wake up around nine in the morning on weekdays. With four hours to spare, I'm still rushing to get out of the house in time to have a "sufficient" workout at the gym. Why does this matter for blogging? Well, everything. I think. Just when I'm sitting in front of my laptop, I'll end up reading other stuff and completely forget what I want to write about. As a matter of fact, there's a good chance that I'll end up scrapping this post altogether.

2. My opinions aren't exactly...original:
Because I usually talk about sports, most of the stuff I want to discuss has already been dissected by others. I wanted to do a "mock" NFL Draft. But after reading ones that were real, truly made up, and ridiculously in depth, I felt that there was nothing I could offer that would be remotely entertaining. In other news, I may have some self-confidence issues.

3. Blogging is kind of boring!: Most of the posts I have are really long. While I'm a rather patient person, I find it way tempting to do anything but what I'm actually supposed to be doing. So while I'm spending two hours hammering out a post about football, I usually get side tracked by reading someone else's opinions on what I want to talk about. So yes, this is something I'll just need to get over.

Now, should you care about these stupid excuses? Probably not. But just know that the intent to ramble is always there, even if there's no real evidence of it. But with a little more time (to waste) on my hands, here's hoping that I can be a little more consistent with quality posts.

Now back to our regularly scheduled madness...

I'm in the middle of a "transition" at work. I say this because it's yet another change in what I actually want to do. I've been out of college for three and a half years, yet I'm nowhere closer to figuring out what I actually want to do. One would think that I could figure this sort of thing out by now, but that would make things too easy. Anyway, I figured it would be fun for me to look back and go over all the things I've wanted to become. And since I want to give people a little glimpse into the things that make me who I am, I figured this would be a pretty good blog post. So, anyway, here goes...something I'd like to call my Ever Evolving When I Grow Up Plan:

Elementary school: Doctor

This really wasn't an idea that I came up with on my own. I just heard my teachers mention this. I could say that I was a great student in elementary school, (I made all A's, but didn't everyone?) but it was really more like Florida State football in the ACC during the 90s (let's just say it wasn't very difficult). I never really had any idea why I wanted to do this; I just figured that it sounded fun. Want to know what else seems fun?
1. Being on acid.
2. Bungee jumping
3. Lap dances
4. A Bobcats playoff game
5. Throwing a stick in front of an unsuspecting skater at a park
So needless to say, the whole doctor thing didn't go very far.

Middle/high school: Computer engineer

I wanted to actually be involved with developing video games, but that didn't seem "wholesome" enough. I had it all figured out: I would go to Clemson to study computer science, graduate, and then...well, I guess I didn't have it all figured out that much. I suppose the allure of being able to work with computers was mildly intriguing...until I realized that I hated science. A lot. Obviously, this would be a big problem if I was ever going to be a computer engineer. So...toss that idea also!

For about five minutes in high school, and another few weeks after college: Nurse

Believe it! My mom's a nurse, so I would be carrying on the family legacy (or use that as an excuse when people asked me about it). I flirted with the idea in high school; there was a program where we could take "classes" at the local hospital, then work there during the summer while in college. I scrapped that idea because I was worried that I wouldn't like it enough. While I felt OK with my decision at the time, I re-visited a nursing career again twice since then. I believe that this was more of me not being happy with my current job than me actually wanting to become a nurse. I mean, the allure of showing off my "chiseled body" in scrubs is...creepy to think about. I think that I would enjoy the role of helping people, but am I really ready for all the bodily fluids and insane hours? Eh, not so much. So, scrap this idea also!

College: Sports journalist

My co-workers at my previous job always called me Jordy Gumbel. Since both Bryant and Greg (pictured) are rather well-known, successful sports journalists, I took this as a compliment. I don't think it's really possible to explain my passion for sports. There's not going to be a way for me to really illustrate it in a way that does it justice. I enjoy talking about it. Sometimes, I actually present interesting viewpoints on it. So why not pursue a career in sports journalism? (Well, it's rather quite difficult to break into...but whatever) In one of my first classes, a fellow classmate had the same aspirations as myself. We were going to end up on Sportscenter one day. Well, she is working her way up the food chain, and I seem to be stuck in neutral. Now, this is not to say that I didn't try. I tried, tried, and tried again. After a year of sending out resume tapes, doing interviews, and trying everything to break into the industry, nothing stuck. Have I given up altogether? I don't know. I make pretty good money doing what I do now, and I am taking some graduate classes toward a Master's in Public Administration. But if I could find the right avenue into the sports journalism industry, I'm pretty sure that I would take it.

I should take solace in the fact that I have a job with great benefits. But what fun is that when I find myself wanting to sometimes take shots of lighter fluid when I'm at work? (Let's say it all together: NOT FUN AT ALL!) So I suppose I'll do what I can to make the most of things now, still hoping that I can break in somehow and end up talking about sports even more...and actually get paid for it.

Real men lose to their girlfriends in made up Bracket Challenges

As always, the opinions in this blog are shared only by the author. Besides, who else would be proud of being such a nut?

Even the most casual of sports fans had to come away pleased with this year's NCAA tournament. Plenty of surprises, close games, buzzer beaters, over-sized arenas, and cheerleaders with way too much makeup to keep people satisfied. While some would complain that there was no "star power" in the Final Four, the championship game literally came down to the last shot. Can't beat that, right? Right??!!??

For the past two years, I've done a bracket challenge with my girlfriend. I'm not much of a competitive person, but I have gone in with the belief that my "knowledge" of college basketball would be enough to prevail in a "friendly" challenge between lovers. Of course, I probably should have considered the fact that she had won this challenge twice before, and studies show that three year olds (who knew NOTHING about college basketball) do better on brackets than "experts." So really, there was no way that I could possibly win this challenge.

But it's the NCAA tournament. March Madness! Throw conventional wisdom out of the window! So the bet was on. Winner gets dinner at a restaurant of their choice. I'll just recap the Elite Eight/Final Four picks, and maybe try to give a little "insight" on why in the world my picks turned out to be so stupid. I figured it would be kind of cool to wait a couple of days before actually posting this, because it makes my choices look even more crazy. And, let's just say that I've been crying myself to sleep the past few nights over losing this thing.


My picks
Elite Eight: Kansas, Ohio State, Syracuse, Brigham Young, (no, really) Villanova, Duke, Kentucky, New Mexico (did I actually watch any basketball?)
Final Four: Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse, Duke
Championship: Kansas over Kentucky
My Take: I almost went with calling this an "expert's take," but we all know that this would be a lie. From "watching" basketball, (translation: occasionally watching ESPN analysts make their "case," with a few games here and there) I felt pretty good about the fact that the number one seeds were the best teams in the field. Kentucky's complete lack of making free throws? Who cares! Syracuse limping down the stretch? We're not here to talk about the past? Duke not being in a Final Four since before Justin Bieber was born (that's probably not a fact...or is it?)? I didn't CARE. I also felt good about BYU (they had God on their side, can't beat that!) and New Mexico (apparently I was in my own hot tub time machine). But once again, I'm not here to dwell on the past...


The Lady's Picks
Elite Eight: Kansas, Ohio State, Syracuse, Kansas State, Villanova, Duke, Marquette, Kentucky
Final Four: Kansas, Syracuse, Duke, Kentucky (Wait a minute, did she copy my bracket?!!!?!?)
Championship: Duke over Kansas
Her take: She made her picks by using complete voodoo. OK, maybe that's not accurate. Her "strategy" is picking schools that sound familiar, or names she liked. For example: she had Xavier in the Sweet 16 because she "liked the name." Hey, whatever works!

Anyway, you have to like the fact that she picked the eventual national champion. Not her fault that Kansas decided to crap out in the second round! Anyway, a few words from the winner: "I'm pretty sure I've picked Duke to win for the past three years...so my persistence has finally paid off. Everyone else may hate you, but thanks Coach K!"


So, there you have it. Maybe I should give up this Bracket Challenge nonsense. (Are you kidding?!!? We're totally doing a suicide pool next year!) It's proof that trusting college aged people to do anything is just a very bad idea. But then again, I bet Kanye and his girlfriend didn't do a bracket wager!

Baseball: Catch the fever!

As always, the opinions shared in this blog are only those of the author. And should be shared by any other smart and sexy adult.

This just in: I'm a little into sports. If my memory serves me correctly, the first sport that I actively enjoyed was baseball. I watched the Braves break my heart as the Twins came back to win the 1991 World Series. (Yes, I experienced disappointment at an early age. Jack Morris, hope you weren't looking for a Christmas card from me. Ever!) I played* on a city league team when I was 11, and tried out for the high school team as a freshman. Alas, I did not make the team. But whatever.




*This should probably be a good time to explain the part about...playing. I admit, I wasn't very good. I lacked that oh so important thing called...athleticism. I couldn't hit. I was barely adequate at fielding. In a exhibition game once, I tried to steal third base, got tagged out, and...cried. This just wasn't me at my greatest. I did start a game...only because half the team didn't show up on time. Once they did show up, back to the bench I went. We only won one game. But I do remember getting free pizza for that win. One would think that I would have given up baseball after this. But that would require being rational. I ask you: WHO DOES THAT?

Anyway, my love for baseball never really waned. I even watched TBS do their "Strike Watch" games in 1994. I suppose I was just watching for all the people who felt that baseball "let them down." I even got to experience the Braves win the World Series in 1995, pretended not to notice when most of the guys looked much more buff, stayed riveted through the 2002 World Series, (can you name who won in less than five seconds?) made my new friends watch the Red Sox shock the Yankees in 2004, almost got my girlfriend's car towed while at a Sox-Braves game at Turner Field...the list goes on and on. While football rules in my "hierarchy," I still hold baseball close to my heart (cue Michael McDonald).

So, why does any of this matter? Well, it probably doesn't. But I tweeted that my New Year's resolution was to attend a baseball game on every level, from high school to the major leagues. In between, you have college, single, double and triple A leagues, and...well, technically the summer league (can I interest anyone in the Columbia Blowfish...maybe? Of course, most of my tweets are irrelevant. But then I got to thinking: Wouldn't it be cool if I actually went to these games...and blogged about it?!?!?

Now we're on to something.

So I took the liberty of finding teams on each level that are a reasonable driving distance away. To show a real commitment, I've already decided which games I feel are worth going to. So, in chronological order, I give you the 2010 TBF Baseball Adventure! Cue Harry Caray during the seventh inning stretch!

March 12, 2010: South Carolina vs. Brown (College)

Yes, I'm starting early. I remember being extra excited before I came to USC about the baseball team. 2006 was the year "we" lost to Texas in the College World Series title game. (Funny how long ago that seems---not only is the game no longer on CBS, the championship round is a best of three format) Anyway, I don't even know a single player on the Carolina roster. I suppose I can read up on a program or something during the game. But hey, you can get a view of the city skyline! And it's kind of near the river! And they're playing Brown...that should be a win, right??

March 19, 2010: Atlanta Braves vs. Detroit Tigers (MLB)

Little did I know that the Braves have the #1 prospect in all of baseball (according to Baseball America). And he's black! (This just in: There are not a lot of black players in baseball---at all.) I'm thinking that he'll be playing in this game. This game is also part of of the S2J (Hopefully) Inexpensive Getaway Adventure. I never cease to amaze myself with the names I come up with. Anyway, I like my chances of getting a foul ball in this game. Or...at least being struck by one. Let's just hope that I live through it.

April 2, 2010: Rock Hill vs. Ridge View (high school)

OK, I have no clue who's on either team. Obviously, that's not the point here. I am within walking distance of Ridge View High School, and I'll be in the York County Area April 2. So hey, why not spend the evening watching high school baseball? I mean, I almost made the team that year. So they say.

April 18, 2010: Charlotte Knights vs. Gwinnett Braves (Triple A)

I enjoyed the only other time I was at a Knights game. At these games, you always have the chance of seeing a big league player on a minor league rehab stint. Of course...there's no one from the White Sox major roster that I would actually like to see in person. OK, maybe Mark Buerhle. And that's a stretch. Last time I was there, this family brought their kid's playpen to the lawn area. The entire thing. Um...a little too much, maybe?

May 14, 2010: Myrtle Beach Pelicans vs. Salem Red Sox (single A)

Irrelevant, yet relevant sidebar: I told my mom that I was going to Florida next week for a little getaway. She finds it unfortunate that I'm going on a vacation without her. By the way, I'm 26 years old. Anyway, she then calls me later to see if I can find out how much it would cost to stay at some hotel in Myrtle Beach. She was thinking about going there for a vacation. Was she...trying to make me jealous? If that were the case, maybe she should have gone with...anywhere other than Myrtle Beach. Anyway, I remember when this team came to the beach. Everyone was excited! Who knows if that's the case now. Guess we shall find out May 14th!

June 18, 2010: Carolina Mudcats vs. Huntsville Stars (double A)

Quick history lesson: The Carolina Mudcats are a double A team for the Cincinnati Reds. So this likely means that...most of these players suck. But the Reds did sign that Cuban guy (Alrodis Chapman, if you dare to care). So hey, maybe things are on the up for the Reds. And the stadium looks pretty nice. And I've never been to...wherever this stadium happens to be. But this is the last piece in my baseball puzzle. Well, almost...

Sometime this summer: Columbia Blowfish vs. Whoever they play

I'm a little embarrassed that I took the time to look up this mascot. This is the best they could do??? Anyway, I don't think the rosters are even set yet, and I think it's a little unfair that they have to play at Capital City Stadium when the "majestic" Carolina Stadium is oh so close by. But anyway, this will be more like a victory lap, since I would have gone through six other baseball games to get to this point. And then I can (not) blog about other things. Like football!

So there is my mission. I suppose I do accept it, since I was the one who came up with it. So I hope I put up some pictures worth enjoying, and at least have something relevant to say about each game. So, uh, stay tuned?

Hatin's hard work.

As always, the opinions in this blog are shared by only myself. And people who considers themselves sensible and sexy.

Larry King: Well, where are the haters?


(OK. I do hate this shirt.)

In the age of instant analysis, people would lead you to believe that "haters" lurk EVERYWHERE. Any music artist/professional bar hopper/slutty behaving/"entertainer"/attention seeker/athlete/person of interest would love to have you believe that there are people out there put on this earth to "hate" on them. You'll see things like:

Thanks for this award. I'd like to dedicate this to all the haters out there...
You know. I gotta wear my hater blockers ALL THE TIME NOW. THEY COMIN OUT THE WOODWORK!
He got a PHD, Playa Hata Degree!
I mean, people still hate. But Ima do me cuz that's all I know.
I really just hate my life, so I'll pretend that other people are hating on me and I won't hate it as much, right?? (OK, so I made up the last one...I think.)

You get the idea. Most of the people who believe they have haters really don't. For example, the quote at the top was from Larry King's interview with Chris Brown. Chris mentioned that there were a lot of "haters" around. But what could they possibly hate on Chris for? Wait a minute, would it be the fact that he choked and beat his girlfriend up in his car??!!!?? That's not hatin. That's you being a le douche. People "hate" on The Situation? No, they think you're a lame, roided up, creepy, desperate womanizer who looks 35 going on 45.

(Those were two examples off the top of my head. I'm sure there are plenty more.)

However, there are people who are legitimately hated on. While some of these figures are rather polarizing, you do get the sense that they may really never be able to please some people. For every good thing done, you will instead hear about eight things they "don't" do. In the age of immediate response to anything, it can be nauseating. I was able to find quite a few people to make my Hated On Mostly list. Chances are, you will hate this list. Of course, that will prove my point.

1. Barack Obama

If this were a college football top 25 poll, there's no way that El Presidente isn't a unanimous number one. Now you can argue that he has received quite a bit of love from the media (or as some one would say: THE FREAKIN LIBERAL MEDIA!). And yes, you may be right. But, there are is a lot of resentment toward our Commander in Chief. And no, it doesn't all come from Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin (though they do their share). He's been grilled for using a teleprompter to forcing health care down our throats to wearing old jeans. You would get the feeling that he's never done anything right in his life. So, how did he become president exactly?

2. Taylor Swift

I know, I know. Probably getting a little too cute here. Personally, I'm not quite sure how the recording academy sleeps at night by giving her Album of the Year. But! I'm sure it wasn't from sexual favors. She's one of the few (Carrie Underwood would have been another, but she butchered the national anthem during the Super Bowl in such a way that should have put her on an FBI watch list) people able to appeal to country and non-country music people. That counts, right? Anyway, let's just say there were plenty of people to voice their extreme displeasure with her winning Grammys. I myself was Team Kanye during the VMA fiasco. But to have widespread success when no one really buys music anymore is an impressive feat. And for that, I think people can give her a break.

3. Widely Successful Sports Teams

For this number, I will give a few examples, in no particular order:
-L.A. Lakers
-New York Yankees
-New England Patriots
-Duke basketball
-Notre Dame football
I guarantee that you can find at least five people who are anti-fans of each time I listed. The question is: why? Amongst the five on this list, they've won fifty nine championships (15 for the Lakers, 27 for the Yankees, three for the Patriots and Duke, and eleven for Notre Dame). They're all global brands, recognized by most non-comatose people. Yet, for some reason, people love to hate them. Obviously, people hate what they can't have. If you're looking for real-time proof, just do a Twitter search after one of these teams loses a game. I try not to revel in the fact that another team loses (I hate to lose myself, maybe that's why?). Of course, since this is a game that is being played, there will be a winner and a loser. But you could say that more people take joy in these teams losing than their actual fans do when they win. But maybe that's just me.

4. Conservatives

(What does it say about me that I actually believed that Ann Coulter posed for Playboy? I mean...she didn't actually do it, right?)
Maybe it's because of the company I keep. But ye gods, when I'm feeling bad for a group of people...wait, I do that a lot. Whatever. After November 2008, it was as if being a Conservative was a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay. Even poor George Bush was booed at the inauguration! (What's up with that?) From holding up health care to having an elephant as a symbol, there's seemingly nothing these folks can do right (wait, didn't I say that about someone earlier?) Now, there are quite a few conservatives who have said some off the wall things. (Then again, does the name Joe Biden mean anything to you?) And maybe things are turning around for Team Red these days. Now, maybe this is the company I keep, but I'm thinking one of my 4.8 readers will agree with this.

5. Alicia Keys
OK. This is just a joke. Really this is a chance for me to grill her again. I mean, did you see that All-Star game performance? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRJyvq4X7Og) I still feel like my ears are starting to recover. So what if "at least she didn't lip sync?" She should have. Egad. She wasn't feeling well? Well, just play the We Are the World video on the super duper HD screens. Really. Actually, they should have just called Big & Rich to perform again.

So Jordy, isn't this a form of hating?

I like to lump my "constructive criticism" in with the examples of "hatin" I used with Chris Brown and The Situation. In other words, it was well-deserved, Alicia. A girl I know would always argue that Alicia had a terrible voice. I did not share this sentiment. Well, at least for Sunday night, she was right.

6. The military
I'm too lazy to find a picture. But find someone that doesn't have a family member/close friend who has served or is serving that has a positive opinion of the military. Don't worry, take your time. You'll need. it. I remember when my girlfriend mentioned to a lady at a dog resort(??) that we attended her brother's Marine boot camp graduation. She had such a look of disgust on her face; you could just sense the disdain. What exactly is there to from upon when you meet someone willing to serve their country? My roommate's sister said her friends all gave her a hard time when she wanted to join the Air Force. As if that were beneath her. I know...she has lame friends. Still. This is an opinion that a lot of people have. It's just not a fair one. I don't expect you to agree with war. And the term "protecting our freedom" can be interpreted many different ways. But what shouldn't be misinterpreted is that these people dedicate their time and lives to serve our country. Let's see you give that a try.

Others receiving votes: Kobe Bryant, the BCS, Bill O'Reilly, Lady Gaga, Tiger Woods*, the color orange.

*Obviously, it's understandable to "hate" what Tiger did. I get that. You're a married man with children. I think that means you shouldn't have flings in different area codes. Of course, now everyone has an opinion on what Tiger "should" do to "clean up his act." He curses too much on the course! He snares at people clicking cameras or yelling when he's trying to focus! He shuns the media! Oh, the outrage!

Well, he also wins. A lot. Think about the great winners in sports. How many of these guys were actually "nice?" (OK, I'll give you Roger Federer. But can you think of ten?) He shouldn't care about being nice. That's not what he's here for. He's here to win golf tournaments. Being nice and courteous is boring anyway.

Which brings me to this. This "press conference" tomorrow will be ultra lame UNLESS he comes out with this statement:
OK. So I got caught. And that sucks. I took some time away because I was hoping that the Brett Favre-Michael Vick dog fighting ring would be exposed, meaning that no one would care what I did. (Wait, that DIDN'T HAPPEN? Damn.) I'm really here to say that I don't think I messed up by sleeping around. I messed up by being married. Now I have this other woman, her family, our kids, all this nonsense to worry about. I really just wanted to win as many golf tournaments as possible. I'm really just a cyborg programmed to win. Somehow Microsoft got ahold of my programming code and messed it up.

Anyway, I finally got myself right. So I'm getting a divorce, and I will be back at the Masters. I'll just give ESPN enough time to make a worthwhile Tiger Returns countdown that you will see every day up until I return. And yes. I will win. And you all will cry. And I am single, so ladies, holla at me. You'll look good with some stripes on you.

(If that actually happens, how soon before I'm on ESPN?)

Back, yet annoyed as ever.

As always, the opinions in this column are shared by me. And maybe 17 other people on the planet. Because let's be honest, do we really want a lot of people who think like me? Even I know this isn't a good thing.


(What, too soon?)

So, in trying to find things that stuck out to me the most this year, I realized that there really wasn't much of a theme that I can hang my hat on. I worked a lot, went on a few trips, and probably watched 24,856 football games since September (my proudest moment yet). But if there was a feeling that really defined my year, without a doubt, it's a feeling of being A-N-N-O-Y-E-D. By seemingly everything. I tried to think back to a day where I wasn't annoyed at all....and that resulted in me becoming more annoyed. I just don't remember a time where there were so many things that made me crazy.

As I thought about this some more, I realize that these are probably things that make other people annoyed as well. It's not as if I sit around with an annoyed look on my face all day. It's usually all of a sudden. So, I figured this was something to have a little fun with. This list is not in any particular order. Since it really takes "quite a bit" (that's really a flat-out LIE) to actually annoy me, I'm usually full of rage no matter which item on this list actually happens.


Annoying Jordy in 2009

1. Unfortunate pictures on the Internet
I've dated a photography major, one of my good friends is a photographer, and everyone else around just likes to take a lot of pictures. Throughout this time, I've been able to master the art of taking a good picture. Even if I'm just full of myself right now, I will not deny the fact that I certainly know what a BAD picture looks like. It's really not hard to find one. Just log into your Facebook account. I'm sure someone has 391 pictures of their baby making the same catatonic face. Or the completely unflattering photos of someone who isn't smiling, (instead they're eating, in the middle of a conversation, or doing something that no one actually viewing these photos would really know the context of since they weren't there) or in a bikini when they were better off wearing a trench coat (or staying at home).

But my personal favorite (let's just say that I'm using the word favorite...quite loosely) is the bathroom photo. Even better is the picture in front of your mirror...with your cell phone in the picture (I kid you not--if I had Bill Gates/Arab/Steve Jobs/our national debt/make it rain money---I would make sure everyone I knew on Facebook had a respectable digital camera. Please disregard should I win the lottery). I'm sure the reason someone takes pictures in the bathroom is to make sure they get a good picture, and not so everyone can know the color of the tiles. But here's a thought: If the picture does not come out OK, (no matter the location) YOU CAN TAKE IT AGAIN!! WHO KNEW??!!??!!??!!??

2. ESPN
This may shock some people (namely, my roommate and my girlfriend...not to mention...anyone who reads this blog---all 4.6 of you). But even I cannot handle the monster this thing has become. I consider myself pretty knowledgeable about sports, and my main purpose of watching ESPN is to perhaps catch up on something that I missed (most of my "study material" comes from the Internet now). so you would think that I would love every minute of it. Um, no.

For one, I hate the term "sources." BUT THEY LOVE IT AT ESPN. All you need is a "source." Well, when I was in school, YOU ALWAYS HAD TO NAME YOUR SOURCES. How come ESPN gets away with not telling. Sources close to the situation say that Steve Spurrier is considering forcing Stephen Garcia to grow a fu manchu...What sources?? Did you talk to Mrs. Suprrier? Close to the situation??!!?? Are you buddies with the fly on the wall?

Also, Erik Kuselias stated on his radio show today that ESPN was trying to "help" Tiger Woods. Wait a minute, did you hire Dr. Phil? Are you not just a sports network here to...wait for it...report the story?? Can we not just talk about people who are playing games? Do I need to have Herm Edwards go ballistic over the people Tiger Woods was hanging with? I mean...what are you here for again?



I could also do without the Bottom Line. Just show the scores. Don't scroll an entire story about Bobby Bowden's career. I know I can go on your website for that. Thanks a bunch, I appreciate your time.

3. The Simply Rude Awakening of TMI
I feel relatively comfortable talking about virtually anything. The only subjects I shy from are the ones I don't know a lot about. But there are some things that I'm not going to share. That's OK though, because there are plenty of people willing to share so I won't have to!

People are seemingly willing to share anything. There's a picture I saw on Facebook of a mother showing her child's first #2 in the toilet. Yes, this really happened! From talking about filing for bankruptcy, to nasty sex positions, to sharing unfortunate medical situations...I feel like I've been a part of people's lives more than I should ever be. And I. Never. Actually. Wanted. To. Know. About. Any. Of. This.

4. The Death of the English Language
Even I used the wrong words from time to (all the) time. And I may misspell a word every now and then (too much). But hey, there's always a spell checker somewhere. Try telling that to other people. From not knowing the correct there/their/they're to use, to using words that are completely unnecessary, (I had a customer send in an e-mail wanting to "strategically" set up her Friends & Family list. Are you sure you weren't referring to the military strategy for Afghanistan) people seem to get dumber by the hour. And I'm sure this makes every English teacher out there want to sob uncontrollably. Bill Maher said that he wouldn't "put anything past this stupid country" to possibly select Sarah Palin as president. Oh Bill, just take a scroll of the social networks. We're pretty dumb indeed.

So yes, I only made it to four. And yet, I feel like this isn't quite enough. Guess how that makes me feel.

D.O.T. (Death of Turtle)

Unfortunately, some nicknames stick. There’s His Airness, All Day, Young Hov, Mamba, King James, Obamessiah, even The Big Diesel/Aristotle/Forgiver/Take Your Pick. With all of those names I mentioned, I’m thinking you have an idea of who those people are (and if you don’t, well, hit up Google sometime, it might help). Well, for me it was Turtle. I can’t even say that I wanted this nickname. I think some girl told me it was cute, (after everyone had decided to accept calling me this) so I figured I would roll with it. (Call this a “man’s world” all you want, women have persuasive powers at even an early age. Maybe I’m just weak. Obviously, this is not relevant.)

I think this started in 7th grade. My friend TJ started calling me Turtle. Actually, I think he was actually making fun of me. “You look like a turtle” were his exact words, I believe. I even walked slow, for reasons unknown actually. From there, the name spread to the teacher, then other teachers, then Williams Middle School as a whole. Obviously, this is either right on the money accurate or not true whatsoever. I’m going to go with somewhere in the middle of those. Anyway, this was the birth of Turtle.

Well, Turtle stuck. I went from drawing a turtle on all my schoolwork above my name (my best work ever, seriously) to using it everywhere, in every instance. E-mail addresses, (turtlewuzhere) usernames, (turtledizzle) passwords with some form of ‘turtle,’ even my old Easyjournal blog (Turtle Tells It!)---no person or thing was safe. Girlfriends would give me turtle-related gifts. I even wanted a tattoo of a turtle (a very manly looking tattoo, mind you). My friends would say, “I saw this turtle being run over by a Mack truck, and I thought of you!!!!!!!!!” (Friends. Can’t live without em, eh?) Obviously, this nickname stuck.



Now don’t get me wrong, I played the part. With pleasure, even. I walked slow. Took my time with…everything. (I may or may not still do this) When people would call me Turtle (Or Turtle D/Turtle Dizzle/Turtle Man/simply “T”, I would respond. In my mind, the sky was the limit with this Turtle moniker (today South Carolina, tomorrow THE WORLD!)

Thankfully, I grew up. With college came the promise of a career, and with the promise of a career came this whole idea of marketing myself. Now let’s be honest, who would hire someone with an e-mail address of turtlewuzhere@yahoo.com? (C’mon, not everybody at once!) I got a “legitimate” e-mail address, stopped using ‘turtle’ in every single username/password combination that I had, and got rid of that woeful turtle hat. After all, I’m mesmerized by sports. In sports, everything is fast. Turn your head away from the action, and chances are you’ve missed something important. I eat fast, drink fast, and run fast (well, we have to use fast “very loosely” when it comes to running). Needless to say, my new world of “fast” just didn’t sit well with the old guard (Turtle Universe). Something had to give.

I will admit, I still like to take my time. I would wake up three hours before I had to be at work…and still be in scramble mode to get out of the door in time. Not only do I take my time with things, I make no apologies whatsoever for it. But hey, I never said I was fully reformed from my….relaxed approach to things.

Of course, the old regime of usernames, passwords, screen names and the like had to go…right? No, I’m too lazy for that. Of course, for every jmckever, there was a turtleman(insert number here). For every mckevjo, there was a “sexyturtle” lurking in the distance. And since I never actually said, “I need to give up this turtle madness!” this just kept going for way too long. So! After unsuccessfully trying to access both my student loan and cell phone payments online, I came to the realization that it’s time to pull a Nero and destroy the Turtle Universe. Yes, I am well aware that this should have happened long ago. I also realize that I probably could have prevented all of this by…just not accepting that nickname. But alas, we’re not here to talk about the past. (At least…parts of the past that I don’t want to talk about)



So, it’s been a great ride, Turtle. Unfortunately, you gave me an identity. You even spawned an unsightly hat. I don’t know if this all really needed it’s own column, but hey…that’s what blogs are for.

Three cheers, three boos.

So just in case you were waiting for an update from me in order to keep up with The Delusional Path to 10-2: Your 2009 Gamecocks!...(if this is really what you were doing, then...well I have no idea why you would ever want to do that!) we have arrived at our first true gut check game of the season. We're on the road at the second ranked Alabama Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa. (Say it with me folks...EGAD!)

(About this being the first true test: Well, it is! While Georgia and Ole Miss were ranked at the time that we played them, but I think it's safe to say that both of those teams were...not what we thought they were! So yes, if there were ever a measuring stick for our Fearless Rooster-like creatures, well HERE WE ARE!)

So I digress.

As I was sitting at work today, my mind was running rampant with thoughts about how we could possibly pull off a big victory (I tend to shy away from using the word upset--aren't all teams "upset" when they lose a game?) Saturday night (7:45 on ESPN, just in case you're still looking to me for all things Carolina football). And in perfect Jordy fashion, I was able to talk myself out of a victory (and into a trip to the woodshed). Now, I do this all the time; occasional delusional behavior in regards to sports is my specialty. But anyway, I figured that this would be a sensational subject to blog about. So...here I am. Three reasons why I think Carolina will make something great happen, followed by three reasons why they. Will. Not.


Three Cheers!
1. I present to you...the Cardiac Cocks!
Let me be the first person to admit that has not been a very pretty season for le Cocks de Game. In five years of the Cock 'n' Sparkle era, I have yet to see a game where you could come away thinking, "Wow, the Gamecocks PUT THEIR STAMP on the game today!" (Often times you could say, "Wow, this is quite the smelly turd sandwich the Cocks laid on the field today!") And yes, while only two of the wins have...ended comfortably, the very valid argument can be made that the competition was much tougher in the games that did not end so comfortably.

But! The difference this year (over...every single year of their existence) is that when the game has been on the line, (before you even start, can we just take the last drive of the Georgia game out of this sample size?) Carolina has made the play(s) to win the game. That is the difference between a middling team and a...dare I say..."good working toward great" football team. If you happen to pay attention to the NFL...I'd like to compare Carolina to the Cincinnati Bengals. Tough (when it needs to be) defense, maligned coach/franchise, highly touted quarterback that hasn't quite delivered...and they are finding ways to win just like Carolina. Now...teams usually end up losing more of these close games than they win...but let's worry about in 2010. Anyway, playing a team like Alabama tends to make the football nerd in me believe that this game could be headed for one of those "very close in crunch time" affairs...which is what these Gamecocks have seemingly learned to pull out.

2. The last time I saw Tuscaloosa...

So OK...this may have been from five years ago, but this is still relevant! And yes, there are no more players on this team who were apart of that victory. But folks, this is what I'd like to call precedent! Carolina made things look ridiculously easy back then. And while...um, there's no real reason to think that this will happen again...you have to think that a good coach will at least remind his players that winning in Tuscaloosa has happened before (paging the Ole Ball Coach...).

3. Carolina. Is. So. Due.
As noted before, the win vs. Ole Miss does not count. Carolina just hasn't really pulled off a win that has proved any sort of 'arrival' since 2002's Outback Bowl (In a sadly related story, your boy started attending Carolina in the fall of 2002. Really, I blame myself. Really, I do.) victory over Ohio State (who...oddly enough...has been to three national championship games, even winning one of them since that bowl game---let me stop before I throw up). Oh, there have been plenty of teases with greatness (a 24-17 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' against an at the time second ranked Auburn, as well as a 'people called me crying' 17-16 low blow against Florida come to mind...both of those were in 2006. Le sigh!). But no real results. Sports Illustrated's theme for their college football preview was teams that could 'shake up the BCS.' Well...take a look at le Cocks de Game, why don't ya? You have:
-Team in a BCS conference
-Rabid fan base
-Impact players on both sides of the ball
-Historically...not quite living up to expectations
-Quarterback coming into his own
-Coach with some experience of...winning
-Chance to make a statement in a game against an 'established contender'
So all of these things are in line. How could this NOT happen?

(Oh you had to ask.)


Three Boos.
1. Alabama is quite good.
Ugh. It's not even close. Alabama has been the most consistent team all year. I just took a gander at their results from the year so far...and, well...it was close for a while against Virginia Tech? (Of course, the Hokies are...number four!) And that game was a double digit win for the Tide! It's been that kind of season for Alabama. Save for the last two games of 2008, and Bama has been more than solid. Also, they have a coach (in Nick Saban) who really knows how to get the best out of his teams at all times.

(On yet another sidebar...how in the hell did we not get Nick Saban to coach the Gamecocks?? Yes, he is a weasel. I will not deny that. But you were looking for a coach who had results everywhere he went...he made MICHIGAN STATE GOOD...why would you not go for Nicky? Oh, what could have been.)

2. Carolina...may not be that good.
Yes, I know I went all 'Cardiac Cocks' on you earlier, but aside from the Florida Atlantic/SCSU games, (where both games were a toss up at the half) Carolina has benefitted BIG TIME from a coaching staff that...did not seem to be in the mood to win the game. For example:
-Last week vs. Kentucky, the Wildcats (wait, this is an actual TEAM NAME? Who knew!) had a fourth down in Carolina territory, down 21-17. Out trots the field goal unit. And...it's a fake!!?? The fake is oh so snuffed out...and Carolina gets the ball back. (But wait, it gets better!) Stephen Garcia throws an interception, and Kentucky has the ball again in Carolina territory. They kick a field goal to come within one. But what if they just kick the field goal instead of doing the fake in the previous drive??? Suddenly, you're up 2, on the road, against a shaky team and an apathetic crowd. (Hello, momentum, nice to see you again!)

WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU NOT KICK A FIELD GOAL THE FIRST TIME!!?? (I'm sorry for sounding like I'm upset with Kentucky for this...OK, I am a little. Can I get a team that's trying to win for once?)

Anyway, this is a supreme example of a team gift-wrapping yet another game to us. With the scoring that took place at the end, Kentucky still wins that game. But...as was the case with Ole Miss (letting Jevan Snead ever throw, ever) and North Carolina State, (actually, I don't know what they were doing) there were games that Carolina did not really win as much as they found a suitcase of cash and decided to just keep it.

Breaking news: That's not going to cut it with Alabama.

3. On the road, in-conference, highly ranked opponent...F-A-I-L
Does the score 56-6 keep you up at night? What about 48-7? 28-16 make you shudder? Well, these were some scores from past road games in conference against highly ranked opponents (Florida, Auburn and LSU respectively). In essence, Carolina has been...como se dice 'Not very good?' in these types of situations. Add the fact that Alabama is playing incredibly well, along with a dash of 'the Alabama coaching staff will put their team in a position to win the game throughout,' (don't sleep on the importance of that) and the 7:45 on ESPN (26 for basic cable in Columbia, 206 if you have DirecTV, 950 if you have that elite HD on Time Warner in Columbia...) time slot has not been very kind... (off the top of my head, and...after looking at the results...le Cocks de Game are 0 for that particular time slot) you have the recipe for your boy drowning his sorrows in lighter fluid. And also question why he even decided to pen this entry. (Or type. Whatever.)

So there you have it. For just as many reasons that the long-awaited statement win can happen...there is enough evidence to make you think that it won't. But hey, I'm delusional! At this rate, Carolina is still on pace for the Sugar Bowl. Or the Liberty Bowl. Go figure!

Delusional Fandom 101

I will go ahead and apologize for a couple of things:
1. I have been completely and utterly lazy when it comes to posting. I think I have had plenty to write about. Just not a lot of motivation for actually putting things down. I know that I only have two official followers, but I'd like to believe that people come and check this thing out from time to time. So I am sorry. I had good intentions, and very poor execution. And I may have stolen that from someone. Who knew?!?

2. If you are not into football, you may want to not read The Blacktooth Files for a while. Nothing really gives me a lot to talk about as much as football will. So please get ready. I plan to kick things off tonight with how I talked myself into a 10 win season for the Gamecocks. No, that's not a typo. You read it right, folks!!! Now obviously, this is all a best-case scenario situation. But still, allow me to take a look at things game-by-game:

-@North Carolina State: You never really know with first games. But allow me to throw the history book at you: the Gamecocks have yet to lose a season debut under Steve Spurrier. As a matter of fact, they have outscored their opponents by a score of 101-29. How about that stat?!? (Now, suspend reality here for a moment---I know that we played the likes of Louisiana-Lafayette and Central Florida. But stats are stats!) I feel like this will bode well. Also, North Carolina State + Thursday night=not a good result! WIN

-@Georgia: Honestly, this is the one I fear the most. Yes, Georgia lost Matthew Stafford and Knoshown Moreno. But Joe Cox is in the same situation that DJ Shockley encountered in 2005--the year Georgia won the SEC championship and ended up in the Sugar Bowl. But! Last time we were in Athens, we won. The past few games between both teams have been extremely close. I think enough balls bounce our way. WIN

-Florida Atlantic: Half of the FU (FAU/FIU) Pu Pu Platter. Home openers usually include enough juice from the home crowd to push the team through. Florida Atlantic has never beaten an SEC team. That may be a lie, but I'm too lazy to look it up. WIN

-Mississippi: Oh, stop it. Ole Miss is really the most overrated team going into this season. Sports Illustrated has them ranked sixth. SIXTH?!? Seriously? I would be OK with that...if there was one highlight of Jevean Snead throwing an accurate pass to a receiver in stride. Haven't seen it yet! Even when Houston Nutt had Darren McFadden and Felix Jones, he never finished in the top ten. Let's just say that I don't like their chances this year. WIN

-South Carolina State: If they lose this game, I would have to start my own riot. That would just be sad. I like the fact that we are playing an in-state team...but let's spice it up a little bit! Why can't we play them in Orangeburg? I feel like that would be more of a worthwhile game. You could guarantee a sellout there, really put on a show, get a nice halftime show from the band...a win-win for everyone. Especially us. WIN

-Kentucky: Do I really think we can start 5-0? Well Mr. Delusional says yes! We haven't lost at home to Kentucky in quite some time, at least not since 2001. So let's chalk another one up for the home team! And find ultra uncharted territory at 5-0. WIN

-@Alabama: I may or may not be running out of steam here. And I also may or may not be doing a fantasy football draft right now. Whatever. Still, while Nick Saban is indeed the Weasel of the South, he sure can build some solid college football teams! This isn't USC @ Alabama back in 1972. Not even close. LOSS

-Vanderbilt: It's revenge all the way here. Wait a minute, are you saying that we've lost two in a row to Vanderbilt?!!? Well, don't say that. As a matter of fact, if that is the first thought that popped up in your head, then you ARE NOT BEING DELUSIONAL RIGHT NOW. And therefore, you may want to seek the advice of people who are paid to talk about football. I think the fair will still be in town. And the Gamecocks do well when the fair is in town. (Please do not fact check me. I beg you!!) All the history is being thrown out of the window. Hello 6-1!!! Nice to see you again! WIN

-@Tennessee: Theme of the year: The Vols suck balls! By this point, Lane Kiffin won't even be able to get a job pumping gas. By the way...seriously, Rocky Top??? You run the coach who brought you a national title, Peyton Manning, an expanded stadium, and the greatest run since Robert Neyland himself out of town. For...Lane Kiffin? Who had never been a coach at any level, was 'on the staff' at USC...which was something that you could say for Ed Orgeron?? (how did that work out, Ole Miss?) Who tanked so badly in Oakland that Al Davis came back from the dead to talk shit about in a press conference?!!? And you want this guy to be your coach?? Stop it. Please. WIN BY 7000+

-@Arkansas: No Tryone Nix. No Darren McFadden. No Felix Jones. Probably no Bobby Petrino. I have a feeling that he will probably take six more jobs by the time this game rolls around. So yes, I like our chances here. WIN

-Florida: Well, I don't think the Gators are going to repeat as national champions. History shows that teams who are voted overwhelmingly number one at the start of the season don't end that way. That, and you may have some guys who will not want to go ALL OUT in order to protect their NFL hopes...and...maybe Tim Tebow will get malaria? Although this is highly unlikely since he is a cyborg. I think this has the possibility of being a close one...a la 2003 in Columbia. But...no cigar. We will be lucky to even SEE a cigar here. LOSS

-Clemson: Could we possibly go 3-1 in our Orange Crush? (Tennessee, Arkansas, Florida, Clemson) Well, it's never happened before. But hey, I've never been this delusional either!! And there's really no excuse for losing to a team who has a head coach by the name of Dabo...two years in a row. Folks...it's Black Magic all over again!!! Hello, Joe Morrison!!! This one's for you! WIN

So there you have it, folks. 10-2, with losses coming to Florida and Alabama. (That could send TBF on the road to the Sugar Bowl!) But let's be serious here, these were two teams who were ranked number one at some point last year. Mr. Delusional thinks we will be legendary, but not damn epic. In less than 1,000 words, I've probably talked you into believing in a 10-2 season too!!!

Just...don't watch this clip. Ever.

My favorite callers.

So my job title really doesn't adequately explain what I actually do. Most of the day, I just listen to people complain, complain, and complain some more. Either they're the president of their company and they can't check their e-mail on their phone, (of course when they call, they're sitting in front of the computer saying, 'I see e-mails here on my desktop, but not on my phone. Which makes me wonder, why does it matter if you're not getting e-mail on your phone if you've been sitting at your computer all day?) or they can't text their lover who's stationed in Afghanistan, or they're 8 months pregnant and they can't muster the energy to take the battery out of the phone. That's just a small sampling.

Anyway, I've gathered a list of my favorite calls from the time I've been there. It seems like I've had the most crazy ones since I've been doing tech/global stuff. I suppose since I've taken a call on just about any question/issue that could possibly happen with a cell phone, (someone called once and said that her phone caught on fire. She happened to leave out the part about actually lighting a match and setting the phone on fire, but who cares about DETAILS, right?) it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I get these crazies on a regular basis. So, here's a sampling of my favorite crazy calls:

You've reached the king of Indonesia. Leave a message!
This wasn't my call, but I had to share it here---a teammate of mine had a guy that insisted that he was having a problem calling the king of Indonesia. They refused to answer the phone when he called because his number showed as private. Now a lot of people don't answer the phone when the number shows as private. Here's the problem with this guy---Indonesia has no king. Well, they haven't had one since the 13th century. And yes, he was serious.

My memory card fell out of my phone.
A guy called last night saying that his memory card ejected itself out of his phone. He was certain that this happened, and the phone was defective. The only problem is that THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. For his model of phone, (LG enV2) you have to open the flap and push on the card for it to come out. No other way. It's possible for that port to become loose, but someone would have to really tamper with the port. Anyway, not only did he want another phone, he wanted a new memory card. He then said that he's now without those memories (via the pictures saved on the card) that would take 'thousands of dollars to replace.' Woe is him, I suppose. I have an LG phone, and try as I might...I can't make my memory card just come out on its own. Alas, my caller strongly disagreed.

Of course, these are just two. But there are oh so much more. I will update with those periodically. Hopefully you will find my frustration entertaining. Whatever, I find it entertaining too.

The Problem with Dale.

So I may not have disclosed that I follow NASCAR. Quite often, as a matter of fact. I could tell you just as easily who won the Winston Cup back in 1993 (Dale Earnhardt) just as easily as I can tell you who won the World Series back in 1990 (Cincinnati Reds). I even watched the entire Coca Cola 600 back in 2005. I tell you all of this not to gross you out, but to throw up my credentials as I attempt to go on a little rant about some recent developments.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. is undoubtedly one of the most popular drivers in the history of NASCAR. It probably helps that his father (Dale Sr.) was one of the most successful and feared drivers ever. Not only that, his personality seems to fit in with what NASCAR's core fans are all about. (Wearing Wrangler jeans and wearing sunglasses. Maybe that's inaccurate. But whatever.) When I worked at a liquor store, one guy said the only reason he drank Budweiser is because 'Dale's face was on it.' Sounds like effective advertising to me.

What this popularity hasn't given him is actual success on the track. As in, not even close. The closest he really ever got to winning a championship was in 2004. He had just won the EA Sports 500 at Talladega. He had just become the leader in the standings. Then he uttered the phrase, 'It don't mean shit now...' in reference to his dad winning many restrictor-plate races in the past.

The only problem with that statement? He was on live TV. Oops! He was docked some points, ended up costing him the whole thing. Well, that and some bad finishes down the stretch. In the meantime, people around him have blamed everything (crew chief, inferior equipment, his mother-in-law undermining him) for his results.

So at the beginning of last year, that was supposed to change. He signed with Hendrick Motorsports, a team that boasted Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson. Jeff has won multiple championships, Jimmie Johnson has won three in a row. So everything was in place now. Well, not so much. While he did finish 3rd overall, he only won a race once. Not only that, he was not considered a major contender for the championship (I believe that's supposed to matter, correct?)

As it currently stands, Junior sits 19th in the standings. Still not bringing those positive results people have wanted, his crew chief was just fired. Now I'm all for change when necessary, but has anyone raised the idea that maybe Junior just isn't that good? His best average finish has been 12th, which is just enough to get in the Chase, (NASCAR's 'playoffs') but that's not winning. Especially when it seems that everything has been put in front of Junior to succeed. I know that people shouldn't just accept their shortcomings, but I really think that it's time for some of the responsibility to be placed on Junior himself. In other sports, people who have gained widespread popularity are skewered when championships aren't won, or when they aren't showing results that would at least make people realize that you're serious about being a winner.

So, why can't the same be done for Dale Jr?

Bikini Girl got a boob job!

I will briefly apologize for a lack of entries lately. OK, I'm sorry.

So I wanted to do a running diary of the Idol finale, but I didn't bring any materials with me to my viewing location. And I must say, I'm glad I didn't bring anything. I thought the show was a nightmare. A complete slap in the face to the core audience of the show. Let's just run through some of the collaborations they had:

-Lil Rounds + Queen Latifah
-Kris Allen + Keith Urban
-Adam Lambert + KISS
-Allison Iraheta + Cindi Lauper
-Alexis Grace and Anoop Desai + Jason Mraz
-Danny Gokey + Lionel Richie
-The girls + Fergie (later bringing Black Eyed Peas)
-The guys + Rod Stewart

Apparently these were all part of the 'big surprises' that Idol had planned for this finale. I think I better surprise would have been them just taking a crap into a big bowl and giving it to Kris as a trophy. (OK, so at least the winner was a sensible choice. Adam is a great performer, but does he not make your ears bleed? Would you really buy his album? It's nice to take songs you've heard before and make them into something wild and crazy, but how are you going to make people enjoy some insane arrangement of a song we've never heard of? I wonder if America collectively used their brains here to make the right choice. Or...if more people just voted for Kris. Whatever.)

The finale in itself just proved that American Idol could really care less about the people who give the show its juice (the younger people). I mean, all those 'surprise performers' are a nice touch---if this show was being aired on VH1. But no, it's not. KISS??? Really? Did you really want your kids jamming out to Gene Simmons' ultra creepy tongue? Keith Urban? WHAT?? Queen Latifah? I mean, could they have found a relevant, popular artist that appeals to a MASS audience under the age of 45? (Yes, there was Jason Mraz, but check that second part of my question.)

I think in an era where people turn on TV quite quickly, American Idol should be a lot more careful in events like this. So what if nearly 100 million people voted for the final two contestants? There's no law stating that American Idol has to be popular. People's minds change quickly. Obviously, the ratings will probably be high for this sort of thing, but I wonder if it will last if the show keeps FedExing turd sandwiches like this on a regular basis.

But hey, what I do know? Maybe I just think about this too much. After all, I did sit through the entire 2+ hour extravaganza. Even any sort of hatred toward the show is still attention. And everyone loves attention.

You can sleep for me.

I was going to retire for the night, but then I realized that I wanted to complain about work. Or something like it. I've noticed a lot of annoying trends in the two years that I've worked at Verizon Wireless, (OK, it's not so much of a secret where I work anyway) all of them not very necessary. Then again, I think some of them are things that anyone who works at a medium to large sized company would experience. Like:

1.(Absolutely Pointless) Mass E-Mails
I probably get anywhere from 60-100 e-mails per day at work, that number is about 20-50 on the weekends (I could go into an extended rant on working weekends but this is not fmylife.com). MAYBE ten of those e-mails per day are actually relevant. Seriously. Some of them contain actual important stuff (policy changes, how-to information, following up on other customers). The rest can range from a superior who is never around anyway finding it necessary to tell us all that he/she won't be around to someone sending an e-mail to everyone asking if they are having 'any problems with (insert issue and location here).'

Now obviously, this is will sound rather 'holier than thou'--but why would you send an e-mail asking your co-workers if they are having problems with (let's just say text messaging)? WE ARE HERE AT WORK WITH YOU, WE ARE NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS AT ALL. These are 'company' e-mails, so would it not be in your best interest to ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE? Really?

(I digress.)

I just think it's much more efficient in most of these situations to actually just ASK SOMEONE AROUND YOU. We all sit (tech/global) in the same area, is it that hard to just ask someone. We even have an IM application that you can use. There's no need to send out an e-mail to everyone asking for a code when you can just get the answer in an instant. Now once again, maybe I'm being a little bitter. Obviously, I don't think I am.

2.Colleagues who are no help
We're supposed to be a team. It's more like a battle royal, every call center/department for itself. Since most of the people in my department can handle any kind of account/call, we're a target. We're the cleanup crew/fallback plan/big brother all rolled up into one. And no, it's not fun. 93 percent of the time, calls that are transferred to us have had little to no prior troubleshooting/important information uncovered by the representative bringing the caller to me. For lack of a better term, they basically greet the customer before actually having us DO THE WORK. Generally, we are available for escalated technical concerns/ordering any global-related equipment or accessories. That's about it. With that 93 percent of people who DON'T ACTUALLY TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON. Yes, I'm a little passionate about this.

3.Lack of Sufficient Amounts of Ice Cream
OK, so this is more of a personal preference. And yes, this is just me throwing this in to make three gripes. And yes, I want ice cream all the time, work or no work. Oh well, I make no apologies!!!

Now it's obvious I could just get over these things to try and enjoy work a little more. But then again, my gripes could be lessened if people TRY A LITTLE HARDER. That's not impossible, is it?

Almost.

Finally, I'm going to have to join the party.

I'm currently thisclose to getting my own Twitter. I know, I know, I'm just giving into the machine. And yes, I can let people know what I'm doing via Facebook. Hell, I'm doing enough of that as we speak. But I want to so bad. I don't know what it is. I even got over my initial fears for being 'just like everybody else,' among others:

-Would I really consistently update? I'm going to go with absolutely. I check Facebook about every hour or so. The only reason I don't constantly update my status is because I'm not quite ready to throw my sensational wit around like that. OK, so maybe that's being a bit bold, but I was running out of real reason here.

-Why does it have to be called 'tweeting?' All I can think of is the singer Tweet dancing around touching herself when I hear the word 'tweet.' So maybe this was just a personal gripe when I was 'rebelling against the establishment.' It's almost as valid a reason to not be on Twitter as saying, "I'm not going to vote for Barack HUSSEIN Obama EVER!!!!" (Yeah, don't think that idea worked out quite well, now did it?)

-I don't have a good picture. Once again, petty excuse. A similar excuse is "But I don't like any of my gym clothes, which is why I don't work out." (I've never heard anyone say this, by the way. It just sounds like something one would say.) Anyway, I have this sparkling new webcam to take care of that.

-I told people I would NEVER, EVER get a Twitter page. OK, so maybe I only told two people that. And I'm sure it wasn't in that exact quote. Even if it was, we were born to lie. Or, change our minds at least.

So there you have it. I just spent a good twenty minutes telling you why I'm now going against my my original stance for something that hasn't even happened yet. Sounds a whole lot like the 5674 mock NFL drafts you see floating around the place.

Idol on the Mind
Thanks a lot, Lil Rounds, for giving us all that turd sandwich of a performance last night. I suppose this is exactly what I get for trying to have someone's back when they don't even know me. Or when they may not have been that good to begin with. Of course, we're still on course for an Adam vs. Allison showdown that will shake the earth to its core.

No Regard For Human Life!
Yes, I'm absolutely excited about the start of the NBA Playoffs. There was a debate on ESPN76 the other day over the question of whether or not the NBA Playoffs are better than the NCAA basketball tournament. I'm not sure what side of the argument you may be on, but there is really no comparison here. We are comparing COLLEGE to PROFESSIONAL here. Amateurs to people who get paid for it.

The main draw of March Madness is not the Cinderella story, or the crazy finishes. It's the money. Why do you think CBS is paying the NCAA bailout-like money to broadcast the tournament? Why do you think they give you so many ways to print out a bracket? Do the words 'office pool' have any significance to you? Are you really going to remember how you did in your bracket this year when next year rolls around? (Do not answer that question if you are the author of this blog) Cinderella? Do you even remember that Davidson was in the Elite Eight last year, or that George Mason was in the Final Four in 2006? Of course not. (If you do remember that, then good for you! Smartass.) Don't give me the "well they care more in college" argument either. Well, I'd care if I had a chance to be a champion too!!!

As for the NBA Playoffs, there are moments that stick out with you. It's much easier to try and get to know the teams and the players, because there's not such a large chance that players will not be there next year. (Happens quite a bit in college with the insane NBA one year rule) It's actually a journey. A minimum of 16 games to become the best. A maximum of 28. An unquestioned winner at the end. And alcohol being sprayed all over everyone. I can't say I've seen that last statement happen for the NCAA tournament just yet. Well, at least legally. And of course, there are moments like this:



Look, I'm not saying I don't like the NCAA tournament. I get stuck on it just like everyone else. I'm just saying that it's quite unfair to compare it to the NBA Playoffs.

Isn't that clip just awesome? Keep watching it, I don't mind!