Larry King: Well, where are the haters?
(OK. I do hate this shirt.)
In the age of instant analysis, people would lead you to believe that "haters" lurk EVERYWHERE. Any music artist/professional bar hopper/slutty behaving/"entertainer"/attention seeker/athlete/person of interest would love to have you believe that there are people out there put on this earth to "hate" on them. You'll see things like:
Thanks for this award. I'd like to dedicate this to all the haters out there...
You know. I gotta wear my hater blockers ALL THE TIME NOW. THEY COMIN OUT THE WOODWORK!
He got a PHD, Playa Hata Degree!
I mean, people still hate. But Ima do me cuz that's all I know.
I really just hate my life, so I'll pretend that other people are hating on me and I won't hate it as much, right?? (OK, so I made up the last one...I think.)
You get the idea. Most of the people who believe they have haters really don't. For example, the quote at the top was from Larry King's interview with Chris Brown. Chris mentioned that there were a lot of "haters" around. But what could they possibly hate on Chris for? Wait a minute, would it be the fact that he choked and beat his girlfriend up in his car??!!!?? That's not hatin. That's you being a le douche. People "hate" on The Situation? No, they think you're a lame, roided up, creepy, desperate womanizer who looks 35 going on 45.
(Those were two examples off the top of my head. I'm sure there are plenty more.)
However, there are people who are legitimately hated on. While some of these figures are rather polarizing, you do get the sense that they may really never be able to please some people. For every good thing done, you will instead hear about eight things they "don't" do. In the age of immediate response to anything, it can be nauseating. I was able to find quite a few people to make my Hated On Mostly list. Chances are, you will hate this list. Of course, that will prove my point.
1. Barack Obama
If this were a college football top 25 poll, there's no way that El Presidente isn't a unanimous number one. Now you can argue that he has received quite a bit of love from the media (or as some one would say: THE FREAKIN LIBERAL MEDIA!). And yes, you may be right. But, there are is a lot of resentment toward our Commander in Chief. And no, it doesn't all come from Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin (though they do their share). He's been grilled for using a teleprompter to forcing health care down our throats to wearing old jeans. You would get the feeling that he's never done anything right in his life. So, how did he become president exactly?
2. Taylor Swift
I know, I know. Probably getting a little too cute here. Personally, I'm not quite sure how the recording academy sleeps at night by giving her Album of the Year. But! I'm sure it wasn't from sexual favors. She's one of the few (Carrie Underwood would have been another, but she butchered the national anthem during the Super Bowl in such a way that should have put her on an FBI watch list) people able to appeal to country and non-country music people. That counts, right? Anyway, let's just say there were plenty of people to voice their extreme displeasure with her winning Grammys. I myself was Team Kanye during the VMA fiasco. But to have widespread success when no one really buys music anymore is an impressive feat. And for that, I think people can give her a break.
3. Widely Successful Sports Teams
For this number, I will give a few examples, in no particular order:
-L.A. Lakers
-New York Yankees
-New England Patriots
-Duke basketball
-Notre Dame football
I guarantee that you can find at least five people who are anti-fans of each time I listed. The question is: why? Amongst the five on this list, they've won fifty nine championships (15 for the Lakers, 27 for the Yankees, three for the Patriots and Duke, and eleven for Notre Dame). They're all global brands, recognized by most non-comatose people. Yet, for some reason, people love to hate them. Obviously, people hate what they can't have. If you're looking for real-time proof, just do a Twitter search after one of these teams loses a game. I try not to revel in the fact that another team loses (I hate to lose myself, maybe that's why?). Of course, since this is a game that is being played, there will be a winner and a loser. But you could say that more people take joy in these teams losing than their actual fans do when they win. But maybe that's just me.
4. Conservatives
(What does it say about me that I actually believed that Ann Coulter posed for Playboy? I mean...she didn't actually do it, right?)
Maybe it's because of the company I keep. But ye gods, when I'm feeling bad for a group of people...wait, I do that a lot. Whatever. After November 2008, it was as if being a Conservative was a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay. Even poor George Bush was booed at the inauguration! (What's up with that?) From holding up health care to having an elephant as a symbol, there's seemingly nothing these folks can do right (wait, didn't I say that about someone earlier?) Now, there are quite a few conservatives who have said some off the wall things. (Then again, does the name Joe Biden mean anything to you?) And maybe things are turning around for Team Red these days. Now, maybe this is the company I keep, but I'm thinking one of my 4.8 readers will agree with this.
5. Alicia Keys
OK. This is just a joke. Really this is a chance for me to grill her again. I mean, did you see that All-Star game performance? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRJyvq4X7Og) I still feel like my ears are starting to recover. So what if "at least she didn't lip sync?" She should have. Egad. She wasn't feeling well? Well, just play the We Are the World video on the super duper HD screens. Really. Actually, they should have just called Big & Rich to perform again.
So Jordy, isn't this a form of hating?
I like to lump my "constructive criticism" in with the examples of "hatin" I used with Chris Brown and The Situation. In other words, it was well-deserved, Alicia. A girl I know would always argue that Alicia had a terrible voice. I did not share this sentiment. Well, at least for Sunday night, she was right.
6. The military
I'm too lazy to find a picture. But find someone that doesn't have a family member/close friend who has served or is serving that has a positive opinion of the military. Don't worry, take your time. You'll need. it. I remember when my girlfriend mentioned to a lady at a dog resort(??) that we attended her brother's Marine boot camp graduation. She had such a look of disgust on her face; you could just sense the disdain. What exactly is there to from upon when you meet someone willing to serve their country? My roommate's sister said her friends all gave her a hard time when she wanted to join the Air Force. As if that were beneath her. I know...she has lame friends. Still. This is an opinion that a lot of people have. It's just not a fair one. I don't expect you to agree with war. And the term "protecting our freedom" can be interpreted many different ways. But what shouldn't be misinterpreted is that these people dedicate their time and lives to serve our country. Let's see you give that a try.
Others receiving votes: Kobe Bryant, the BCS, Bill O'Reilly, Lady Gaga, Tiger Woods*, the color orange.
*Obviously, it's understandable to "hate" what Tiger did. I get that. You're a married man with children. I think that means you shouldn't have flings in different area codes. Of course, now everyone has an opinion on what Tiger "should" do to "clean up his act." He curses too much on the course! He snares at people clicking cameras or yelling when he's trying to focus! He shuns the media! Oh, the outrage!
Well, he also wins. A lot. Think about the great winners in sports. How many of these guys were actually "nice?" (OK, I'll give you Roger Federer. But can you think of ten?) He shouldn't care about being nice. That's not what he's here for. He's here to win golf tournaments. Being nice and courteous is boring anyway.
Which brings me to this. This "press conference" tomorrow will be ultra lame UNLESS he comes out with this statement:
OK. So I got caught. And that sucks. I took some time away because I was hoping that the Brett Favre-Michael Vick dog fighting ring would be exposed, meaning that no one would care what I did. (Wait, that DIDN'T HAPPEN? Damn.) I'm really here to say that I don't think I messed up by sleeping around. I messed up by being married. Now I have this other woman, her family, our kids, all this nonsense to worry about. I really just wanted to win as many golf tournaments as possible. I'm really just a cyborg programmed to win. Somehow Microsoft got ahold of my programming code and messed it up.
Anyway, I finally got myself right. So I'm getting a divorce, and I will be back at the Masters. I'll just give ESPN enough time to make a worthwhile Tiger Returns countdown that you will see every day up until I return. And yes. I will win. And you all will cry. And I am single, so ladies, holla at me. You'll look good with some stripes on you.
(If that actually happens, how soon before I'm on ESPN?)
