World Cup EN VIVO: USA-Ghana (Second Half)

Welcome back! For those of you who missed the first half, here's a recap: Ghana is really fast. Also, here's the post where I say a little more.

3:33 pm: And we're back with a flourish! I didn't even have time to stretch my tired fingers.

3:34 pm: Right off the bat, the U.S. had two nice scoring chances. I'll let you guess how they turned out.

3:35 pm: This move to Univision may be working against me. However, I do have whistle to annoy the hell blow whenever the U.S. decides to give a damn scores a goal.

3:38 pm: Both teams doing their best to wear out the wall...behind the goal. This ain't Rock n Jock, kids!

3:39 pm: Hate to wonder this, but: is Landon Donovan thinking that he may want to become a citizen of Brazil? Just so, you know, he could be on a team of good players?

3:42 pm: Hey now Prince, your neck tattoo doesn't give you the right to just taunt! OK, maybe it does.

3:45 pm: The officials must be choking at this point since they've been clearly swallowing their whistles.

3:46 pm: You know it's a foul when both Univision guys are like: "Aiye yie yie!" when viewing the replay.

3:48 pm: Penalty kick by Landon Donovan for the GOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL. Finally got to blow the whistle! And WE ARE TIED.

3:51 pm: I'm going to rate that GOOOOOOLLLL call at an 8 on the just created Catch Phrase scale. 1 is Joe Buck. Ten is Gus Johnson. Usually, the Univision guys are averaging about a 12.

3:54 pm: Tim Howard is good for something, it seems. And Clint Dempsey has turned into Anderson Varajeo.

3:56 pm: Richard Kingson must have read my dig at him for not being able to build harpsichords by hand. The guy has been great.

3:57 pm: Commentary from the girlfriend: the players have four shadows on the field! And she is RIGHT.

4:02 pm: I know you want to get every shot of the action Univision, but I'd rather not see a close up of Kevin Prince Boateng's thigh.

4:08 pm: It seems like EVERYTHING has a microphone on it here. I'm surprised I haven't heard a fart on TV yet.

4:12 pm: Seems like Jozy Altidore has been near the ball and goal all game. I need a magical moment from an AFRICAN AMERICAN in this World Cup!

4:15 pm: Things that would be cool: Tim Howard dropping the People's Elbow on the Ghana guy lying on the ground.

4:17 pm: It's kind of sad to think about how much I enjoyed viewing that link.

4:22 pm: Of course, this game goes into overtime. This means FREE BLOG EN VIVO for you!!

4:24 pm: While this game has been...entertaining(?), this really has nothing on Mexico-Argentina and Portugal-Spain. Well, at least that's what Univision will have you think.

4:26 pm: I would explain the OT rules here, but uh, I have no clue what they are.

4:28 pm: GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL by Ghana. And hands down, the best celebration dance I have ever seen. So it was worth it!

4:32 pm: So this is the largest sporting even in the world, and they can't get a real stretcher if necessary?

4:36 pm: Well, while most people may stop caring about soccer after this, I vow to still blog EN VIVO until this bad boy is over.

4:42 pm: So there's another OT period???? These guys are wearing me out.

4:46 pm: Man of the Match: Richard Kingson. Pretty sure that's got to be the consensus.

4:48 pm: Commentary from the dog: "Is it time for dinner yet?"

4:51 pm: While most of Twitter is complaining of the Ghana players "stalling," I'm sure none of them had a problem with the USA stalling big time after scoring the goal against Algeria.

4:52 pm: But hey, we can do what we want and blame somebody else later...right?

4:54 pm: Well I suppose if ever there was a time for a magical moment, now would be it.

5:00 pm: Hard for me to to blog EN VIVO while sobbing at the same time. Wait a minute...

5:01 pm: So that's it. They're exchanging shirts, and Ghana WINS 2-1. Thanks for reading, folks.

GOOOOOLLLL!!! World Cup Blog EN VIVO: USA vs. Ghana

For you first time readers, please be advised that the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. However, they may be endorsed by this guy



And we are EN VIVO at the 66.67% ManZone! It's the USA vs. Ghana in a "win or go home" Round of 16 game at the World Cup. Without further ado, let's get it on!

2:26 pm: The Star Spangled Banner never fails to get me fired up. Though I have to think that the players not singing along just don't know the words.

2:27 pm: Your Univision broadcast team today is Jorge Perez-Navarro and Jose Luis Chilavert. Probably the first time I remember two announcers with three names!

2:28 pm: The goalie for Ghana is Richard Kingson. I wonder: can he make harpsichords by hand?

2:30 pm: And we're off! I guess. Ghana in red with yellow stripes, the U.S. rocking all white. Which is ironic, since this country is full of sluts.

2:34 pm: Tim Howard sure does a lot of yelling at his teammates. I suppose as long as your name is not "Terrell Owens," that's OK.

2:35 pm: For all that yelling, he sure likes to ALLOW GOALS. GOOOOOLLLLLL GHANA. Kevin Prince-Boateng. More guys with three names!

2:38 pm: Unfortunately, I can't find a picture. But Prince does have a neck tattoo. I thought it was illegal to play soccer if you had one of those?

2:39 pm: In the "o ye of little faith" department, the masses on Twitter are already playing the blame game. I'd like to blame....Ryan Seacrest. It just feels right.

2:41 pm: Bill Clinton and Mick Jagger chumming it up. I suppose there aren't any women for Bill to prey on. For now.

2:43 pm: Random, somewhat relevant tweet: "Oh, and huge props to Shana's uniforms. It's hard to pull of red and yellow since McDonald's kind of ruined it for everybody." From @bruce_arthur

2:46 pm: Seems that Bob Bradley has yet to be informed of the "cold coach loses" theory. He'll learn.

2:49 pm: Quick question: Has the U.S. even had the ball yet? Is the plan to "let Ghana get tired and then, BAM"? As a fan of South Carolina football, let me tell you that this plan does not work.

2:52 pm: A couple of chances there in the "Ghana box" for the U.S. So, um, that's promising, no?

2:57 pm: I may or may not be fighting off a nap here. Let it be known now: Soccer is not the easiest thing to keep up with.

2:59 pm: Also participating in this blog EN VIVO: My girlfriend and the world's greatest dog. The latter of which you can follow on Twitter. Yes, you read that correctly.

3:01 pm: Good God, is that Maurice Edu's music?!!? IT CAN'T---oh wait, just vuvuzelas.

3:04 pm: I go to get something to drink, and the U.S. gets two scoring chances?!!? Maybe this blog should be done from the kitchen?

3:08 pm: They have mentioned Richard Kingson's name often. At least he's had to break a sweat, I reckon.

3:10 pm: Is it still manly to say that these slow motion replays are...breathtaking?

3:15 pm: This may just be from lack of understanding, but it sure seems like these guys like to fall all over the place.

3:16 pm: First half over. Ghana is up 1-0. My girlfriend may or may not be snoring away right now, and I think the dog ran away. But hey, soccer is CAPTIVATING AMERICA!

World Cup Blog EN VIVO---2nd half

Live blog back in full effect! For those of you that missed the first half shenanigans, click here.


11:03 am: And we are BACK. I've made the executive decision to turn the game to Univision. That's got to help the cause, right?

11:04 am: AND I AM VINDICATED. The announcer just yelled GOAL for about 20 minutes. Still keeping my order for the Slovenia jersey though.

11:05 am: I think this settles it. I'm watching the rest of the tournament on Univision. Can I get them to do SEC football?

11:09 am: I think I'm better off not knowing what the announcers are saying anyway. That way, I won't find it necessary to vehemently disagree with whatever they happen to be saying.

11:12 am: The U.S. players seem to be energetic on defense. Maybe they realize I turned the game to Univision?

11:13 am: Random relevant tweet: "Tebow must have delivered halftime speech, huh?" (via @Mark_Schlabach)

11:17 am: I have yet to master the talking on the phone + blogging EN VIVO + watching a soccer match equation. It can't be impossible, right?

11:20 am: Tim Howard! Making plays that no one will care about later.

11:21 am: Basketball coaches would never be able to handle themselves in soccer. They couldn't bear the thought of not having ANY timeouts.

11:22 am: Univision just tried to do some wacky 360 something, and there was a shot of a...video game? Um, nice attempt though, I guess.

11:24 am: For those of you who like the reporters who ask the tough questions, you may enjoy this piece.

11:25 am: Fashion analysis: None of the Slovenia players have hair as good as this guy.

11:28 am: Is my mind playing tricks on me, or did Bob Bradley have on a blue winter coat in the first half? Because I'm pretty sure he's wearing black now.

11:31 am: Maybe it's commonplace to plead your case to the officials in soccer? MAN UP AND PLAY THE GAME.

11:32 am: No no no no no! You can't be taking down Landon Donovan like that!

11:33 am: Did you know that Donovan is divorced? I suppose that makes him a real American. Take that, Glenn Beck!

11:35 am: I just want you all to know that I turned down some time at the pool to do this blog EN VIVO. Which tells you that...I'm really an idiot sometimes.

11:37 am: As predicted(?) by @TheBigLead, Gomez comes in for the defender with the beard. I'm tired of having to spell difficult names.

11:38 am: THE COACH'S SON WITH A GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!! BRRRRRAAAADDDDLLLLLEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Univision. Where amazing happens.

11:42 am: The GOOOOOOLLLLL that wasn't. Offsides?!!? Once again, the black man is held down in South Africa. Le sigh.

11:44 am: I think the Univision play by play guy is disappointed that he didn't get to say "GOOOOLLLL" for yet another half hour.

11:47 am: Three minutes of stoppage time. WHO WANTS IT MORE?

11:50 am: Fittingly, a Slovenia player goes into labor to try and milk more of the clock. Um, thanks.

11:51 am: Jozy Altidore with the Angry Black Man trick for good measure, I guess. Hey now, that won't work in these parts!

11:53 am: I'll end this with a random relevant tweet: "It's cool they let Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm ref in the World Cup." (via @langwhitaker)

And that will do it! A 2-2 tie. The U.S. is still on a wing and a prayer to get into the second round. Meanwhile, I'm jamming to the Univision music! I ended up enjoying myself. We'll see you again next Friday!

GGGOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!! World Cup Blog (EN VIVO!)---1st half

As always, these opinions are only those of the author. I'm not sure why I even find this disclaimer important


We are back! I want to say that I can make this a Friday thing during the World Cup, but I'm not one to make promises that I can't keep. It's USA vs. Slovenia, a precious three points at stake. Let's get it on!

9:54 am: We are here at the 66.67% ManZone EEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVOOOOOOO!!!!!

9:55 am: Is it too ambitious to want to learn the words to every participating country's national anthem?

9:57 am: I'm sure someone from the Tea Party is on Fox News saying that the US soccer players who did not sing along to the Star Spangled Banner are not TRUE patriots. Bah humbug!

9:58 am: Do you realize that there actually could have been a Confederate nation in the World Cup? Giving another nation a crest of stars and bars?!!?

9:59 am: For those of you "following" at home, the USA is in blue, Slovenia in white. Also, the ESPN announcers will likely lick our balls all morning. Fair enough!

10:01 am: Clint Dempsey channeling his inner Dwight Howard with the "unintentional" elbow. I'm no soccer expert, but that. Was. Dirty.

10:04 am: While most people may want to mute the TV to not hear the vuvuzelas, I tend to turn my TV all the way up in order to "hear them better."

10:05 am: "What the United States would give for an early goal here..." Hmmm, maybe free iPhones to the other team?

10:07 am: I beg to differ, ESPN. Now that it's legal, the U.S. actually would love to "come from behind." Wait, wrong reference?

10:12 am: Relevant random tweet: The Charlie Brown-inspired #SVN shirts have been noted. Wonder, when their coach yells at them, if it sounds like "Wah wah wah wah wah"? (from @thefarmerjones)

10:13 am: Great goalie work by Tim Ho---wait. Le sigh. GOOOOOOOAALLLLL Slovenia! Up 1-0. Now everyone here hates soccer again.

10:14 am: My sources just informed me that Mark Cuban is trying to do a goalie swap between the US and Slovenia. I'm thinking that he can't quite do that.

10:15 am: ESPN commentators already looking ahead, saying that the US team may need to hope for a draw between England and Algeria! Whoa there, tiger! We're the knee jerk people here!

10:19 am: In terms of geography, you could fit 485 Slovenias into one United States. The Arizona police would have a field day!

10:21 am: Alright! Tim Howard is actually in goal. Nice of you to show up, man.

10:23 am: By the way, congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers winning the NBA championship! No matter what they say though, the Lakers are not actually world champions.

10:24 am: The win by the Lakers totally makes up for the Galaxy not winning the MLS Cup.

10:26 am: I've just been informed that no one actually watches the MLS. Oh well, now I know.

10:27 am: A quiet stroll through Twitter shows that people are already looking to the 2014 Cup. We're a forward thinking country, folks.

10:30 am: I'm not trying to be a turncoat, but I think I'd look pretty good in this!

10:31 am: An unofficial rule: Cold coach=team that loses. Slovenia's coach is in a light jacket. Bob Bradley (U.S. coach) has a full fledged snow coat on. Uh oh. Somebody get Bradley a lighter jacket ASAP!

10:34 am: Actual commentary from the roommate: "At least the commentator knows what the fuck to do!" and "We just look slower!" Sometimes, it's that simple.

10:36 am: Two great chances just missed by the U.S. At least they're still trying?

10:38 am: Just took turns butchering Radosavljevic with my roommate. And the ESPN announcers.

10:41 am: GOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLL SLOVENIA! Whatever. I'm buying a jersey now. I'm also taking the Slovenian goal dance to the clubs of Columbia.

10:45 am: Rush Limbaugh is blaming this on Barack Obama. And you know what? SO AM I.

10:47 am: And yet, the vuvuzelas play on. I knew they'd never let me down!

10:48 am: Halftime in Johannesburg. Should I even blog EN VIVO for the second half?

GOOOOOAAAALLLL!!! (World Cup LIVE-2nd half)

11:07 am: I didn't even get a chance to use the bathroom! Soccer moves too fast for me!

11:08 am: Welcome back to the 66.67% ManZone for the opening match of the World Cup! If you missed anything, here's a recap of the first half.

11:09 am: For those of you just joining us, Mexico pretty much dominated the first half. However, since there were no goals* scored, we're all tied at nil.

*The no goal was highly disputed since video evidence showed that C Valdez was not offsides. Damn you, technology!

11:11 am: You would have to think at some point, the South African fans would get tired of blowing those vuvuzelas.

11:12 am: ESPN's play-by-play guy throwing out "I saw the Mexicans play in England at Wembley earlier this year..." like we should know what he's talking about! Thankfully, that's what I'm here for.

11:16 am: For those of you wondering, it's currently 5:16 pm in Soccer City. In other words, they're in the HEART of Happy Hour!

11:17 am: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL South Africa! Siphiwe Tshabalala!!!! And...did they just do the Macarena?

11:20 am: Suddenly feeling great about picking South Africa to make it out of the group stage in my bracket!!

11:22 am: FanTAStic hand save, and a beauty by Zhune!

11:23 am: By the way, this game is also available in ESPN 3D. Hope you're enjoying the game on your expensive TV while wearing your funky glasses, wherever you are.

11:26 am: Fortunately, it kind of sounds like they're pronouncing the goal scorer's name as "Tralalala." Which brings this classic song to mind.

11:32 am: Actual soccer analysis: It's obvious that South Africa is just a second half team! Of course!

11:34 am: Oh wait, I don't hear the vuvuzelas anymore! Oh wait...I muted the TV.

11:36 am: Via Facebook Chat, a reader is always blaming the refs. Sounds like a Laker fan! (Too soon?)

11:40 am: Speaking of the NBA, here's a quote from last night's hero: "When you're in the moment, you're in the moment. So whether I slobber, snot, spit...please excuse me." Um...thanks, Glen Davis?

11:40 am: GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL Mexico!!!! Rafa Marquez! 1-1 now! And no more vuvzelas! Piggyback rides FOR THE WIN!

11:41 am: We're 81 minutes in, and NOW WE HAVE D-R-A-M-A.

11:44 am: Vice President Joe Biden is IN THE BUILDING. Apparently, the World Cup is also a big fucking deal for him.

11:46 am: Fun facts: This is the 19th World Cup ever. And it's still the world's most watched sporting event. Take that, Super Bowl!

11:50 am: Play-by-play guy just used the term "party poopers" to describe Mexico.

11:51 am: Well, "killer" for South Africa just killed...the post. Le sigh.

11:55 am: And we end in a tie. The host nation has never lost the opening game. And that tradition continues. Meanwhile, Jim Nantz and Peter King are screaming for overtime.

11:56 am: What a whirlwind game! Seems like the game picked up quite a bit toward the end. Lots of noise, piggyback rides and cheesy dances. I couldn't be more pleased.

Thanks for reading this LIVE blog! This was pretty fun. I'll have to see about doing a few more of these throughout the tournament. Until next time, folks!

GOOOOOOALLLLLLLLL!!! (World Cup LIVE Blog)

As always, the opinions in this blog are only those of the author. Let's be honest, do you really want to think like me anyway?

I've always, always, always (times 43) wanted to do a a live blog. Well, what better time than the first ever World Cup on the African continent? Obviously, this is a dry run. I do hope that you don't actually try to fact check any of the stuff I will say for the next 45ish minutes. Anyway, in the words of Mills Lane, "Let's get it on!"

All times EST

10:01 am: We are LIVE from the 66.67% ManZone! It's mid-winter in South Africa. And I guarantee that none of these guys will be complaining about the weather. (This justifies the NFL doing the Super Bowl in New York*)

*Just keep in mind that the game is actually in New Jersey. Which is a problem

10:03 am: Quick recap of the opening ceremonies: Some guy at a microphone saying, "Blah blah blah blah South Africa!" And the crowd cheered.

10:05 am: And away we go! Here's hoping that fellow blogger Katie Williams is able to watch the game on ESPN 3 at work!

10:08 am: Live blogging is hard! Mexico may be used to high altitudes and large crowds, but are they used to the really annoying horn the fans are blowing? I know I'm already frazzled.

10:09 am: I think having foreign announcers makes it just feel more epic. Maybe they should try this for the WNBA...

10:13 am: For those of you wondering what FIFA stands for, it's the International Federation of Association Football. Which just sounds dumb. Disclaimer!

10:15 am: Mexico rocking the festive(?) all black uniforms. Perhaps they don't know how this never worked out for these guys. I'm not bitter.

10:17 am: And now, my roommate brings some Twilight commentary: "Bella is the anti-vampire." This commentary brought to you by Geico!

10:18 am: "The officials are trigger happy..." But they only hold the card up in the air?

10:21 am: You may be disappointed to know that the vuvuzela noise will not. Die. Down. At. All.

10:22 am: I've discovered that it's nearly impossible to read the lips of these guys when they're arguing. So I will just go with this commentary: "CURSES TO YOUR MOTHER!"

10:24 am: One saving grace for soccer: The game clock continues to run. No timeouts, even TV ones (until the half ends). You can't begin to understand how amazing this is.

10:30 am: Am I wrong for rooting for Mexico since their coach is dressed to the nines? Should I even disclose this information on this live blog?

10:35 am: I suppose this is a win for Verizon Wireless: The game on my phone is "more" live than it is on the TV. Droid does on the nation's largest 3G network! (I should stop being such a homer)

10:38 am: More commentary from the roommate: "It's nice to know that there's a 12 year old and a 48 year old on the team." Very well then.

10:39 am: Some actual soccer analysis: Scoring chances at the 35 minute mark look a little something like this:

Mexico-58765

South Africa-3

(Tim McCarver would say that this is a little one sided, but just barely)

10:42 am: First official creepy lick of the lips by a South African player. At the 38 minute mark! Now we're gettin raunchy.

10:43 am: A GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL that wasn't. Mexican player (C. Vela) called offsides. But the replay shows that he wasn't! Hooray conspiracy!

10:45 am: The announcers are even classy when criticizing the officials. Take that, Hawk Harrelson!

10:47 am: Off the cuff analysis: I bet the South African guy would have scored...if he didn't have a mohawk. (Burn!)

10:51 am: Ye gods, this first half just BLEW by! And there were no A-Team promos. We're already making the world a better place!

And THAT is the END of the first half! Stay tuned for Part 2 of the LIVE World Cup Blog from the 66.67% ManZone!!