D.O.T. (Death of Turtle)

Unfortunately, some nicknames stick. There’s His Airness, All Day, Young Hov, Mamba, King James, Obamessiah, even The Big Diesel/Aristotle/Forgiver/Take Your Pick. With all of those names I mentioned, I’m thinking you have an idea of who those people are (and if you don’t, well, hit up Google sometime, it might help). Well, for me it was Turtle. I can’t even say that I wanted this nickname. I think some girl told me it was cute, (after everyone had decided to accept calling me this) so I figured I would roll with it. (Call this a “man’s world” all you want, women have persuasive powers at even an early age. Maybe I’m just weak. Obviously, this is not relevant.)

I think this started in 7th grade. My friend TJ started calling me Turtle. Actually, I think he was actually making fun of me. “You look like a turtle” were his exact words, I believe. I even walked slow, for reasons unknown actually. From there, the name spread to the teacher, then other teachers, then Williams Middle School as a whole. Obviously, this is either right on the money accurate or not true whatsoever. I’m going to go with somewhere in the middle of those. Anyway, this was the birth of Turtle.

Well, Turtle stuck. I went from drawing a turtle on all my schoolwork above my name (my best work ever, seriously) to using it everywhere, in every instance. E-mail addresses, (turtlewuzhere) usernames, (turtledizzle) passwords with some form of ‘turtle,’ even my old Easyjournal blog (Turtle Tells It!)---no person or thing was safe. Girlfriends would give me turtle-related gifts. I even wanted a tattoo of a turtle (a very manly looking tattoo, mind you). My friends would say, “I saw this turtle being run over by a Mack truck, and I thought of you!!!!!!!!!” (Friends. Can’t live without em, eh?) Obviously, this nickname stuck.



Now don’t get me wrong, I played the part. With pleasure, even. I walked slow. Took my time with…everything. (I may or may not still do this) When people would call me Turtle (Or Turtle D/Turtle Dizzle/Turtle Man/simply “T”, I would respond. In my mind, the sky was the limit with this Turtle moniker (today South Carolina, tomorrow THE WORLD!)

Thankfully, I grew up. With college came the promise of a career, and with the promise of a career came this whole idea of marketing myself. Now let’s be honest, who would hire someone with an e-mail address of turtlewuzhere@yahoo.com? (C’mon, not everybody at once!) I got a “legitimate” e-mail address, stopped using ‘turtle’ in every single username/password combination that I had, and got rid of that woeful turtle hat. After all, I’m mesmerized by sports. In sports, everything is fast. Turn your head away from the action, and chances are you’ve missed something important. I eat fast, drink fast, and run fast (well, we have to use fast “very loosely” when it comes to running). Needless to say, my new world of “fast” just didn’t sit well with the old guard (Turtle Universe). Something had to give.

I will admit, I still like to take my time. I would wake up three hours before I had to be at work…and still be in scramble mode to get out of the door in time. Not only do I take my time with things, I make no apologies whatsoever for it. But hey, I never said I was fully reformed from my….relaxed approach to things.

Of course, the old regime of usernames, passwords, screen names and the like had to go…right? No, I’m too lazy for that. Of course, for every jmckever, there was a turtleman(insert number here). For every mckevjo, there was a “sexyturtle” lurking in the distance. And since I never actually said, “I need to give up this turtle madness!” this just kept going for way too long. So! After unsuccessfully trying to access both my student loan and cell phone payments online, I came to the realization that it’s time to pull a Nero and destroy the Turtle Universe. Yes, I am well aware that this should have happened long ago. I also realize that I probably could have prevented all of this by…just not accepting that nickname. But alas, we’re not here to talk about the past. (At least…parts of the past that I don’t want to talk about)



So, it’s been a great ride, Turtle. Unfortunately, you gave me an identity. You even spawned an unsightly hat. I don’t know if this all really needed it’s own column, but hey…that’s what blogs are for.

Three cheers, three boos.

So just in case you were waiting for an update from me in order to keep up with The Delusional Path to 10-2: Your 2009 Gamecocks!...(if this is really what you were doing, then...well I have no idea why you would ever want to do that!) we have arrived at our first true gut check game of the season. We're on the road at the second ranked Alabama Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa. (Say it with me folks...EGAD!)

(About this being the first true test: Well, it is! While Georgia and Ole Miss were ranked at the time that we played them, but I think it's safe to say that both of those teams were...not what we thought they were! So yes, if there were ever a measuring stick for our Fearless Rooster-like creatures, well HERE WE ARE!)

So I digress.

As I was sitting at work today, my mind was running rampant with thoughts about how we could possibly pull off a big victory (I tend to shy away from using the word upset--aren't all teams "upset" when they lose a game?) Saturday night (7:45 on ESPN, just in case you're still looking to me for all things Carolina football). And in perfect Jordy fashion, I was able to talk myself out of a victory (and into a trip to the woodshed). Now, I do this all the time; occasional delusional behavior in regards to sports is my specialty. But anyway, I figured that this would be a sensational subject to blog about. So...here I am. Three reasons why I think Carolina will make something great happen, followed by three reasons why they. Will. Not.


Three Cheers!
1. I present to you...the Cardiac Cocks!
Let me be the first person to admit that has not been a very pretty season for le Cocks de Game. In five years of the Cock 'n' Sparkle era, I have yet to see a game where you could come away thinking, "Wow, the Gamecocks PUT THEIR STAMP on the game today!" (Often times you could say, "Wow, this is quite the smelly turd sandwich the Cocks laid on the field today!") And yes, while only two of the wins have...ended comfortably, the very valid argument can be made that the competition was much tougher in the games that did not end so comfortably.

But! The difference this year (over...every single year of their existence) is that when the game has been on the line, (before you even start, can we just take the last drive of the Georgia game out of this sample size?) Carolina has made the play(s) to win the game. That is the difference between a middling team and a...dare I say..."good working toward great" football team. If you happen to pay attention to the NFL...I'd like to compare Carolina to the Cincinnati Bengals. Tough (when it needs to be) defense, maligned coach/franchise, highly touted quarterback that hasn't quite delivered...and they are finding ways to win just like Carolina. Now...teams usually end up losing more of these close games than they win...but let's worry about in 2010. Anyway, playing a team like Alabama tends to make the football nerd in me believe that this game could be headed for one of those "very close in crunch time" affairs...which is what these Gamecocks have seemingly learned to pull out.

2. The last time I saw Tuscaloosa...

So OK...this may have been from five years ago, but this is still relevant! And yes, there are no more players on this team who were apart of that victory. But folks, this is what I'd like to call precedent! Carolina made things look ridiculously easy back then. And while...um, there's no real reason to think that this will happen again...you have to think that a good coach will at least remind his players that winning in Tuscaloosa has happened before (paging the Ole Ball Coach...).

3. Carolina. Is. So. Due.
As noted before, the win vs. Ole Miss does not count. Carolina just hasn't really pulled off a win that has proved any sort of 'arrival' since 2002's Outback Bowl (In a sadly related story, your boy started attending Carolina in the fall of 2002. Really, I blame myself. Really, I do.) victory over Ohio State (who...oddly enough...has been to three national championship games, even winning one of them since that bowl game---let me stop before I throw up). Oh, there have been plenty of teases with greatness (a 24-17 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' against an at the time second ranked Auburn, as well as a 'people called me crying' 17-16 low blow against Florida come to mind...both of those were in 2006. Le sigh!). But no real results. Sports Illustrated's theme for their college football preview was teams that could 'shake up the BCS.' Well...take a look at le Cocks de Game, why don't ya? You have:
-Team in a BCS conference
-Rabid fan base
-Impact players on both sides of the ball
-Historically...not quite living up to expectations
-Quarterback coming into his own
-Coach with some experience of...winning
-Chance to make a statement in a game against an 'established contender'
So all of these things are in line. How could this NOT happen?

(Oh you had to ask.)


Three Boos.
1. Alabama is quite good.
Ugh. It's not even close. Alabama has been the most consistent team all year. I just took a gander at their results from the year so far...and, well...it was close for a while against Virginia Tech? (Of course, the Hokies are...number four!) And that game was a double digit win for the Tide! It's been that kind of season for Alabama. Save for the last two games of 2008, and Bama has been more than solid. Also, they have a coach (in Nick Saban) who really knows how to get the best out of his teams at all times.

(On yet another sidebar...how in the hell did we not get Nick Saban to coach the Gamecocks?? Yes, he is a weasel. I will not deny that. But you were looking for a coach who had results everywhere he went...he made MICHIGAN STATE GOOD...why would you not go for Nicky? Oh, what could have been.)

2. Carolina...may not be that good.
Yes, I know I went all 'Cardiac Cocks' on you earlier, but aside from the Florida Atlantic/SCSU games, (where both games were a toss up at the half) Carolina has benefitted BIG TIME from a coaching staff that...did not seem to be in the mood to win the game. For example:
-Last week vs. Kentucky, the Wildcats (wait, this is an actual TEAM NAME? Who knew!) had a fourth down in Carolina territory, down 21-17. Out trots the field goal unit. And...it's a fake!!?? The fake is oh so snuffed out...and Carolina gets the ball back. (But wait, it gets better!) Stephen Garcia throws an interception, and Kentucky has the ball again in Carolina territory. They kick a field goal to come within one. But what if they just kick the field goal instead of doing the fake in the previous drive??? Suddenly, you're up 2, on the road, against a shaky team and an apathetic crowd. (Hello, momentum, nice to see you again!)

WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU NOT KICK A FIELD GOAL THE FIRST TIME!!?? (I'm sorry for sounding like I'm upset with Kentucky for this...OK, I am a little. Can I get a team that's trying to win for once?)

Anyway, this is a supreme example of a team gift-wrapping yet another game to us. With the scoring that took place at the end, Kentucky still wins that game. But...as was the case with Ole Miss (letting Jevan Snead ever throw, ever) and North Carolina State, (actually, I don't know what they were doing) there were games that Carolina did not really win as much as they found a suitcase of cash and decided to just keep it.

Breaking news: That's not going to cut it with Alabama.

3. On the road, in-conference, highly ranked opponent...F-A-I-L
Does the score 56-6 keep you up at night? What about 48-7? 28-16 make you shudder? Well, these were some scores from past road games in conference against highly ranked opponents (Florida, Auburn and LSU respectively). In essence, Carolina has been...como se dice 'Not very good?' in these types of situations. Add the fact that Alabama is playing incredibly well, along with a dash of 'the Alabama coaching staff will put their team in a position to win the game throughout,' (don't sleep on the importance of that) and the 7:45 on ESPN (26 for basic cable in Columbia, 206 if you have DirecTV, 950 if you have that elite HD on Time Warner in Columbia...) time slot has not been very kind... (off the top of my head, and...after looking at the results...le Cocks de Game are 0 for that particular time slot) you have the recipe for your boy drowning his sorrows in lighter fluid. And also question why he even decided to pen this entry. (Or type. Whatever.)

So there you have it. For just as many reasons that the long-awaited statement win can happen...there is enough evidence to make you think that it won't. But hey, I'm delusional! At this rate, Carolina is still on pace for the Sugar Bowl. Or the Liberty Bowl. Go figure!