D.O.T. (Death of Turtle)

Unfortunately, some nicknames stick. There’s His Airness, All Day, Young Hov, Mamba, King James, Obamessiah, even The Big Diesel/Aristotle/Forgiver/Take Your Pick. With all of those names I mentioned, I’m thinking you have an idea of who those people are (and if you don’t, well, hit up Google sometime, it might help). Well, for me it was Turtle. I can’t even say that I wanted this nickname. I think some girl told me it was cute, (after everyone had decided to accept calling me this) so I figured I would roll with it. (Call this a “man’s world” all you want, women have persuasive powers at even an early age. Maybe I’m just weak. Obviously, this is not relevant.)

I think this started in 7th grade. My friend TJ started calling me Turtle. Actually, I think he was actually making fun of me. “You look like a turtle” were his exact words, I believe. I even walked slow, for reasons unknown actually. From there, the name spread to the teacher, then other teachers, then Williams Middle School as a whole. Obviously, this is either right on the money accurate or not true whatsoever. I’m going to go with somewhere in the middle of those. Anyway, this was the birth of Turtle.

Well, Turtle stuck. I went from drawing a turtle on all my schoolwork above my name (my best work ever, seriously) to using it everywhere, in every instance. E-mail addresses, (turtlewuzhere) usernames, (turtledizzle) passwords with some form of ‘turtle,’ even my old Easyjournal blog (Turtle Tells It!)---no person or thing was safe. Girlfriends would give me turtle-related gifts. I even wanted a tattoo of a turtle (a very manly looking tattoo, mind you). My friends would say, “I saw this turtle being run over by a Mack truck, and I thought of you!!!!!!!!!” (Friends. Can’t live without em, eh?) Obviously, this nickname stuck.



Now don’t get me wrong, I played the part. With pleasure, even. I walked slow. Took my time with…everything. (I may or may not still do this) When people would call me Turtle (Or Turtle D/Turtle Dizzle/Turtle Man/simply “T”, I would respond. In my mind, the sky was the limit with this Turtle moniker (today South Carolina, tomorrow THE WORLD!)

Thankfully, I grew up. With college came the promise of a career, and with the promise of a career came this whole idea of marketing myself. Now let’s be honest, who would hire someone with an e-mail address of turtlewuzhere@yahoo.com? (C’mon, not everybody at once!) I got a “legitimate” e-mail address, stopped using ‘turtle’ in every single username/password combination that I had, and got rid of that woeful turtle hat. After all, I’m mesmerized by sports. In sports, everything is fast. Turn your head away from the action, and chances are you’ve missed something important. I eat fast, drink fast, and run fast (well, we have to use fast “very loosely” when it comes to running). Needless to say, my new world of “fast” just didn’t sit well with the old guard (Turtle Universe). Something had to give.

I will admit, I still like to take my time. I would wake up three hours before I had to be at work…and still be in scramble mode to get out of the door in time. Not only do I take my time with things, I make no apologies whatsoever for it. But hey, I never said I was fully reformed from my….relaxed approach to things.

Of course, the old regime of usernames, passwords, screen names and the like had to go…right? No, I’m too lazy for that. Of course, for every jmckever, there was a turtleman(insert number here). For every mckevjo, there was a “sexyturtle” lurking in the distance. And since I never actually said, “I need to give up this turtle madness!” this just kept going for way too long. So! After unsuccessfully trying to access both my student loan and cell phone payments online, I came to the realization that it’s time to pull a Nero and destroy the Turtle Universe. Yes, I am well aware that this should have happened long ago. I also realize that I probably could have prevented all of this by…just not accepting that nickname. But alas, we’re not here to talk about the past. (At least…parts of the past that I don’t want to talk about)



So, it’s been a great ride, Turtle. Unfortunately, you gave me an identity. You even spawned an unsightly hat. I don’t know if this all really needed it’s own column, but hey…that’s what blogs are for.